“Our division of labor is not equal.”

Division of Labor No. 20: An executive assistant and a stagehand living in Orange County, California

Real quick before we dive into today’s DoL, I’m still looking for one more family to participate in the back-to-school shopping series I’m working on with Yahoo. I’m specifically looking for a low-income family. If you’re interested in participating, just reply to this email. The series is anonymous! Thanks!

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Today marks the 20th edition of Division of Labor, and I’m excited to share this story, which is a little different than past editions. It’s the first time I’m featuring a couple who wanted to be anonymous.

Marie (who is going by her middle name) is a 50-something grandmother who lives with her husband in Orange County, California. When she filled out the DoL form last year, she wrote, “Our division of labor is not equal. I die a little inside when I read how couples share these things equally. We do not. I am reaching out because I think there are other stories besides these nearly equal divisions of labor.”

I am a huge fan of Eve Rodsky and Fair Play—the bestselling book that encourages couples to equitably divide up their household responsibilities—and I appreciate that it’s sparked so many potentially culture-changing conversations. I would argue that my mother was of a generation of women who elbowed their way into the workforce while also trying to do it all at home like their mothers had done. They were exhausted superheroes, and the women of my generation aren’t wrong to push back and demand something different. Why should we have to do it all? Why can’t our spouses step up?

But changing the culture is complicated, and it’s impossible to think that a bestselling book and a deck of cards is going to be the solution for every couple. Despite our best intentions, sometimes the division of labor in a family is just lopsided. We saw that firsthand in last month’s edition featuring a time-management strategist and her ER doctor husband. And that’s the case for Marie and her husband.

It’s always a struggle to get both spouses to participate in Division of Labor—to sit down and write an account of their day, hour by hour. And it’s even harder when one of them simply isn’t as engaged with household responsibilities. Marie asked her husband, Michael (who is also using his middle name), to participate in this DoL, but he wasn’t interested. I was so moved by the exchange I had with Marie, and I didn’t want Michael’s disinterest to prevent her from telling her story.

“I volunteered because I felt it is important to share the perspective of someone who had an extremely UNEQUAL division of labor,” she wrote in our email exchange. “I do 80% of the household chores [and] I feel so alone in this. I bet there are other Gen X women who do, too. There’s a certain amount of shame that I ‘put up’ with that status quo. I regularly think ‘this is unfair,’ and I have to process those feelings in a way that doesn’t make me bitter or angry.”

But Marie argues they still have a happy marriage—and reading her Q&A below I can see that. Marriage is complicated. There are so many internal and external factors that make it work. It’s easy to look around at other people’s marriages and pass judgement or feel smug in your own.

I decided to publish Marie’s DoL without Michael’s input because I think that she is right: A lot of women will relate. It’s certainly lighter on the details than other entries in the series, but I don’t think that makes it any less valuable.

I hope it sparks some thoughtful conversations here in the comment section and offline as well. As I always say, please comment with kindness. And on that note, I’ll let Marie take it from here.

Name: Marie
Age: 59
Spouse’s Name: Michael
Spouse’s Age: 61

Relationship Status: We’ve been married for 19 years. Michael and I dated briefly in our teens. In our early 20s, he moved away, and I didn’t see him for 15 years. When I was 40 and Michael was 42, a mutual friend ran into him and suggested that he call me. We reconnected and fell in love. Having known each other when we were younger made us feel safe with each other, and having a shared history enabled our bond to deepen quickly. We were married within the year.

Number of children and their ages: I have a millennial son, who is married with two small children of his own.

Your job and how many hours you work per week: I work full time as an executive assistant. I also work about two to four hours a month managing a duplex I inherited and two to three hours a month managing a triplex that my uncle owns. And my husband runs his own business, so I spend a couple of hours a week keeping track of his scheduling and finances.

Your spouse’s job and how many hours they work per week: Michael works in the music and events industry. In the busy season, he works six to seven days a week, five to 14 hours a day. In the slow season, he works two to five days a week, five to 10 hours a day. His work is physically demanding and often in inclement weather.

Type of childcare you use: None currently, as my son is grown. My first husband died at 30 years old when my son was 7. My grandma and my dad helped with childcare during that rough patch. For after-school care, the city had a program where low-income kids could go to the public library for organized activities for $10 a day. It was an absolute lifesaver.

How do you split up household responsibilities: Unequal division of labor and income has consistently been my biggest source of frustration in our marriage, especially as it seems that our culture is evolving and younger couples are setting up more equitable systems for themselves. Our marriage feels like a relic from another era at times. But then I read articles and newsletters about how many women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s still carry most of the mental load and still do the majority of the household chores, just like at my house.

Many of these articles and posts blame the woman. The theories are: If women did less, men would step up and do more. If women weren’t so particular about how the chores should be done, men would feel less pressured and criticized. Men are tired from their physical jobs and need rest. The excuses are endless. However, I don’t find any of those points to be personally true for me. I’ve had five live-in relationships, and only one of the men ever did domestic chores without being asked. It didn’t matter how much or how little I did, whether I pressured or didn’t pressure my partner. My own father and grandfather never did many household chores. And neither do my uncles or male cousins. I’m genuinely saddened when women are blamed for the unequal division of labor. In addition to all the chores we have to do, we feel guilty and ashamed that our partner won’t help out. Or at least I do!

In the early years of my marriage to Michael, I refused to do more than half of the chores. And because of this, our house was gross. It didn’t matter how much we talked about it, or how often I went on “strike,” or how messy the house got. Nothing changed the fact that he was not going to do domestic labor. After a few years of this, I couldn’t take it anymore and started cleaning again. I don’t think he even noticed!

Michael became physically disabled around 2013 and was unable to work, so I was the sole source of family income for eight years. I also handled 100% of the household tasks. To make things even more challenging, I was a part-time caregiver for my grandmother, who died in 2019, and my father, who died in 2020. This situation caused overwhelming exhaustion, grief, stress, resentment, and lots of anger toward my husband, which nearly ended our marriage. In late 2020, he found effective treatment and made a full recovery. Since then, we have been slowly piecing our marriage back together and recovering from the trauma of those years. It’s been a long, difficult road, and things definitely did not get better overnight, but therapy helped me a great deal.

In mid-2021, as his health improved, Michael began building a brand-new career from scratch, one that he loves and which brings in a significant portion of our current income. He has slowly increased his share of household tasks, but it’s taken a lot of prodding and many conversations. Today, I still handle about 70% of the domestic labor, even in the slow season when he’s only working two or three days a week. I do the budgeting, bill paying, recordkeeping, calendaring, ordering grocery delivery and procuring meals, planning holidays and birthdays, scheduling home repair and maintenance, most laundry, ordering household supplies on Amazon, arranging our travel, caring for our pet birds, sorting the mail, and most of the general tidying up, which feels constant. He currently does some of the laundry and pet care, washes dishes and cleans the kitchen, keeps the coffee area and his personal areas clean, handles his motorcycle repair and maintenance, and will sometimes do individual tasks when asked.

I don’t mind doing the financial stuff because I’m good at it, and I like it, but I would prefer a more equitable division of chores rather than asking for “help,” which makes the household my job and puts him in the role of my assistant. I do have empathy for how exhausted he is after work, and I am grateful for how much things have improved. I expect the situation to continue to slowly get better, but I doubt our division of labor will ever be totally equitable.

What labor do you outsource: In 2019, in desperation, I hired a housekeeper to clean our home twice a week. It felt strange at first, but over time, it’s become something that feels essential (although I’m aware of how entitled that sounds). I would cut a lot of things from our budget before I would cut this. I use Amazon Fresh and Costco grocery delivery, and the occasional DoorDash, too. I also have a car wash service come to the house once a month and detail my car for $50, including tip. It’s a 15-year-old car, but it still looks and runs great.

How did you decide who does what: The default is that I will do it. I’m well organized, and I enjoy being busy, so I feel like that contributes to my overperforming. When he was struggling and unable to contribute, I took ownership of the household and haven’t really relinquished that. I have a hard time just letting things sit until he feels motivated to do them (if ever). I sometimes feel like it’s my fault for doing too much, which is a source of shame.

Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family: Not a parenting hack but a life hack. I live by the “touch it once” rule. For example, I open mail over the recycling bin so the junk mail never makes it into the house. When I open an email, I immediately handle it—adding the date to the calendar, paying the bill, whatever. If I have to deal with something multiple times, that increases the time and energy it takes to handle it. Touch it once and be done with it.

Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor: No, not at all. However, I focus on the things my spouse brings to the table that are not labor. He’s tremendously engaged with the current culture and introduces me to new music, art, travel ideas, and people that I would never even encounter if I were single. He keeps my life open and fresh. I’ve noticed many men withdraw from the world as they get older, but he’s always up for a concert, art show, or travel destination. He’s a great conversationalist and thinker. He’s loyal, calm, and steady in a crisis, and he listens well. When I get wild ideas and say, “Let’s do [insert idea here],” the response is usually, “Let’s do it!” We have access to each other’s phones for convenience (“Can you see if so-and-so texted yet?”) so there is a high degree of trust. In short, we get along extremely well, in every area except the household chores. Most importantly, Michael loves me unconditionally and never ever tries to tell me what to do or change me. His acceptance of me is one of the stabilizing forces of my life. No one’s marriage is perfect, so I try to stay focused on the things we do have, rather than the imperfect division of labor.

Anything else you’d like to share? I wanted to contribute to Division of Labor because I suspect I’m not the only person with an unequal home-life situation who struggles with shame about it. I’m thrilled that there is a generational shift toward household tasks no longer being considered “women’s work.” Where I struggle is the judgment that the marriage is fatally flawed if the man isn’t doing his share. I internalize that and feel like I’m weak or being taken advantage of. But there are advantages to my situation. I’m in control of the finances, the household is run in a way that feels comfortable to me, and if he were to die or leave, I’d already know everything about how things are done. None of us can “make” another person act a certain way, and trying to “force” him to do his share makes both of us miserable. I have hope that he will continue to take on more tasks. I am very aware that every marriage has issues, and one spouse might be great around the house but be surly or difficult or untrustworthy in other areas. Even though I struggle to process my feelings when my spouse is inert on the couch and I’m running circles around him with a vacuum in one hand and a trash bag in the other, I am aware that in most ways our relationship is solid and supportive. Please comment with kindness. I’m already very sensitive about this subject and putting myself out there feels very vulnerable. And I would very much appreciate knowing whether this is a common issue with same-sex couples as well as hetero couples.

Rather than share a specific day, Marie just gave a brief outline of their typical day.

5:00 a.m.

Michael: Generally, Michael wakes up around 5 a.m, unless he’s worked an all-nighter.

5:30 a.m.

Michael: He watches news channels on YouTube, gets some coffee, showers, gets dressed, chats with me if I’m awake, grabs some protein shakes and snacks for the road.

6:00 a.m.

Marie: Wake up gently and relax in bed for 30 minutes, then I like to do some light stretching.

Michael: Michael leaves for work (anytime from 5 a.m. to 6 a.m, depending on the day’s work schedule).

6:30 a.m.

Marie: Out of bed, weigh myself, talk with Michael if he’s home, general tidying up.

7:00 a.m.

Marie: Feed the birds and clean their areas, respond to emails, review my planner, order groceries, eat breakfast.

7:30 a.m.

Marie: Get dressed and ready for work (hair, makeup, etc.).

8:00 a.m.

Marie: Drive to work.

8:30 a.m.

Marie: Arrive at work. I sit in my car in the parking garage and spend about 20 minutes returning texts, responding to personal emails, or handling property management stuff.

9:00 a.m.

Marie: Start work.

1:00 p.m.

Marie: Walk to a local place for lunch and/or run errands.

2:00 p.m.

Marie: Return to work.

5:30 p.m.

Marie: Leave work and head home. Sometimes, I’ll stop on the way home to take a walk with a friend.

6:00 p.m.

Marie: Take a shower, interact with birds and clean their area, call Michael if he’s not home to see how he’s doing, check scheduling for his jobs.

Michael: Michael gets home from work anywhere between eight and 18 hours after he left in the morning.

6:30 p.m.

Marie: Read a book, scroll on social media, watch Netflix, decompress from work. If Michael is home, we’ll talk about our days.

7:00 p.m.

Marie: Birds go to their sleeping area, and I sit with them for a bit until they settle in.

For the next two to three hours, I go over tomorrow’s schedule, log my food intake, do light cleaning, handle any outstanding tasks, return texts and emails, and on a good day, do travel planning. I might eat a light snack, but I mostly get my nutrition at breakfast and lunch.

Michael: Watch TV, interact with the birds, discuss each other’s day, discuss any business that needs to be handled, and doze off.

10:00 p.m.

Marie: Get sleepy and head to bed anytime between 9 p.m. and 11 p.m.

Thank you, Marie and Michael!

Please comment with kindness!

Random Extras:

• In our back-and-forth about this Division of Labor, Marie shared this interesting essay by Diana Fox Tilson, LICSW about the shame women often feel about shouldering too much of the mental load at home.

• A few years ago, I had the pleasure of editing a series on ambition written by Alicia Adamczyk. She dove back into that topic in a recent edition of her wonderful newsletter, Money Moves.

• The Purse is on Instagram! Follow me over there for even more fun conversations about women and money!