"Where I struggle is the judgment that the marriage is fatally flawed if the man isn’t doing his share. I internalize that and feel like I’m weak or being taken advantage of." Really insightful perspective!
How brave to share something you're sensitive about! I so appreciate this series and particularly those who feel imbalanced or otherwise. It's a great reminder to not compare your partnership to others and check in with yourself and how you feel in your own instead of comparing.
I liked how she spoke about the troubles they have managing household labor but how he contributes to their marriage, lives and happiness in other ways. As a witness to older folks with marriages that are not engaging or fresh (think: the man wants to just sit on the couch during retirement), it was so good to read how much they enjoy doing new things and he introduces her to new music etc. This piece shows it's not a one answer fits all for dividing household work which is a good reminder. Thank you for sharing!
This came at the right time. We’ve been together since 2016 and the lack division of labor has come up a lot, even more now with a two year toddler. I’m regrettably the Michael here, and my partner and I have and are trying something that I think will work. Family meetings where we talk about what needs to get done and handled for the week and actually divide the labor. Embarrassingly I needed this because now it’s really clear for me on what needs to get done and it’s really empowering to have the task I’m in charge of. Although it’s been less than a week I can already feel and tell the change in both of our attitudes especially my partner. I’m learning, regrettably late, that all of us want to feel like we have someone on the same team playing the roles we need to. I’m hoping we are consistent because I love her and want this forever. Anyway thanks for sharing. I’m a Michael in process (sorry for typos).
I thought the paragraph after "Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor?" was incredibly moving. Like, I read the conclusion ("No one’s marriage is perfect, so I try to stay focused on the things we do have, rather than the imperfect division of labor.") and it stopped me short. It's such great advice. Why is it so hard sometimes?
Reading about Michael’s wonderful qualities honestly negated (most of) his inabilities to complete household labor for me. Her description of him felt so genuine and full of love. She made me feel deeply why their marriage works and seems so rich! I hope that brings her joy and comfort and can reread that section in times of frustration. Thank you Maria for being so vulnerable and sharing with everyone!
Such beautiful wisdom. The connection is key. The rest follows (or doesn't). I doubt anyone wants all the laundry done and put away in place of true connection with their spouse.
And she's right - you are not going to see as much unequal division here because to even engage the spouse in something like this assumes some balance between labor.
Great point! Which is why I thought it was particularly brave for the author to share these insights about her life. And I really appreciate The Purse for publishing it. It's okay to have a "one-sided" DoL when it's handled with this much care.
Thank you for sharing this Marie, that’s not shame that’s pride in my mind. Many folks would have thrown in the towel long ago and you fought for your marriage and focus on the positives. I admire you greatly and respect the traditions you’ve upheld along the way. Wishing you both long happy retirements with all the music and travel you can find when you get there. Your dedication also takes tremendous discipline , also admirable.
My first thought was, I wonder if Michael has undiagnosed ADHD. Her list of positives combined with his inability to see mess or to do the organizing/mental load tasks is what makes me think that. I think outsourcing labor is a great way to solve some of the issues, if you can afford it. We have a housecleaner come twice a month and it's a game changer.
I don’t know, in my experience we outsourced for a long time before we had kids and this just trained my partner that he didn’t need to do anything. When we had kids and all the jobs and mess ramped up, 1 cleaning session a week didn’t even scratch the surface and because we’d always outsourced, he continued to not see mess or see any of it as his work and all the extra work just fell on me and I became hugely resentful.
I also worry about what this models to kids, don’t get me wrong I have a cleaner once a week and I will pay people to do things I can’t do on for house maintenance, but if you outsource everything to keep the marriage fairer (I am often tempted by this idea), kids just grow up thinking someone else will do everything and especially for the boys they don’t get any modeling of their father sharing the labour with the mother.
Hey Madelin. It's certainly a balancing act, isn't it? There's also a lot of guilt/shame women feel when we outsource labor, and so many women try to downplay or hide it, which I also think isn't helpful. I wish we would normalize paying for support if we have the means.
If a dad isn't going to be a good role model when it comes to the division of household labor, how do we make sure our sons don't follow in their footsteps? I don't know! I wish I had a solution!
BINGO! This is our situation....I just couldn't understand for the longest time what the roadblock was! After 5 years of trying to put so much scaffolding and so many systems in place for accountability, it just wasn't happening! My Husband was diagnosed officially in the last 6 months, which really makes sense. We have a son with ADHD so I know the executive functioning blockage is real! Now we can continue forward with that in mind. He's been so frustrated with feeling like a disappointment not understanding why he couldn't just follow through. I now give him simple tasks, one or two step at best. He helps a lot with childcare and transport, which is super valuable and has a built in timeline. Just working on having him set a lot of timers and build in buffers!
I am younger than you, but also married for 19 years. I, too, love to see the culture changing around sharing household labor, but it was very much invisible back when we got married. I also carry a lot of shame that my marriage is so inequitable.
I know that lasting change comes slowly, so for now, I celebrate that my husband can recognize and talk about the household labor that I perform, and we talk about it openly with our kids. Specifically, I am very intentional about engaging my son in "owning" chores (identifying what needs to be done and then doing them on his own) and understanding all of the work that it takes to keep a household running.
Maybe in time, things will continue to progress in my marriage so that we have more equity. This is an area that we're working on, but there are so many other metrics where we're enviably strong. I really appreciate hearing from others who are in a similar situation. I think talking about this "shows the work" of how we bridge past expectations to the kind of future we want to see.
Person in same-sex relationship here- I have always (in my current relationship and in past relationships) been the one to carry the majority of the mental load of domestic tasks- In my experience, contributions have not always been (or felt) equal, but the context of patriarchal gender roles are (usually) not part (or less a part) of the equation. So the context is different, because it isn't about embedded (and often unconscious) gendered dynamics.
So interesting! I have often wondered if, inevitably, one person simply has to be the person in charge of the home. I truly don't know. But so interesting to hear your perspective!
I wonder this too! Maybe, like Marie talks about, one person is more organized and just sort of steps into that role early on (and maybe gets stuck there)! I think that resonates with my experiences- i may just be "better" at (more neurotic about/pay more attention to) the domestic stuff. But unlike my friends in heterosexual dynamics, there isn't the feeling of being trapped in this sexist cycle...it's just like "why doesn't my partner notice when we're out of toilet paper".
What a great post! Thank you, Marie. I appreciate your vulnerability and admire the way you choose to focus on all that is good and healthy in your relationship. I have a feeling this post will inspire many people to consider the qualities they love in their spouse.
I also wanted to add a great thank you for including this. I have always thought that "most" households probably have an uneven division of labor and this is an excellent description of how I envision it. I am 47 and divorced, but when I was married I did almost all of the housework myself. Last year I hired a cleaning service and it's one of the best presents I have ever given myself.
"Where I struggle is the judgment that the marriage is fatally flawed if the man isn’t doing his share. I internalize that and feel like I’m weak or being taken advantage of." Really insightful perspective!
Very insightful! I really appreciate this perspective.
How brave to share something you're sensitive about! I so appreciate this series and particularly those who feel imbalanced or otherwise. It's a great reminder to not compare your partnership to others and check in with yourself and how you feel in your own instead of comparing.
I liked how she spoke about the troubles they have managing household labor but how he contributes to their marriage, lives and happiness in other ways. As a witness to older folks with marriages that are not engaging or fresh (think: the man wants to just sit on the couch during retirement), it was so good to read how much they enjoy doing new things and he introduces her to new music etc. This piece shows it's not a one answer fits all for dividing household work which is a good reminder. Thank you for sharing!
This came at the right time. We’ve been together since 2016 and the lack division of labor has come up a lot, even more now with a two year toddler. I’m regrettably the Michael here, and my partner and I have and are trying something that I think will work. Family meetings where we talk about what needs to get done and handled for the week and actually divide the labor. Embarrassingly I needed this because now it’s really clear for me on what needs to get done and it’s really empowering to have the task I’m in charge of. Although it’s been less than a week I can already feel and tell the change in both of our attitudes especially my partner. I’m learning, regrettably late, that all of us want to feel like we have someone on the same team playing the roles we need to. I’m hoping we are consistent because I love her and want this forever. Anyway thanks for sharing. I’m a Michael in process (sorry for typos).
Marc, I don't think you're Michael because you want to change! Even if it's not easy. I think you'll get there! I'm rooting for you!
Thank you, Lindsey! I love the constant work of trying to improve. It’s so hard but in the end it’s so worth it.
I thought the paragraph after "Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor?" was incredibly moving. Like, I read the conclusion ("No one’s marriage is perfect, so I try to stay focused on the things we do have, rather than the imperfect division of labor.") and it stopped me short. It's such great advice. Why is it so hard sometimes?
Agree. I loved it, too! And also wonder why it's so hard!
Reading about Michael’s wonderful qualities honestly negated (most of) his inabilities to complete household labor for me. Her description of him felt so genuine and full of love. She made me feel deeply why their marriage works and seems so rich! I hope that brings her joy and comfort and can reread that section in times of frustration. Thank you Maria for being so vulnerable and sharing with everyone!
I felt the same way, Meredith. His good qualities are special!
Such beautiful wisdom. The connection is key. The rest follows (or doesn't). I doubt anyone wants all the laundry done and put away in place of true connection with their spouse.
And she's right - you are not going to see as much unequal division here because to even engage the spouse in something like this assumes some balance between labor.
Great point! Which is why I thought it was particularly brave for the author to share these insights about her life. And I really appreciate The Purse for publishing it. It's okay to have a "one-sided" DoL when it's handled with this much care.
Thank you, Debbie!
Thank you for sharing this Marie, that’s not shame that’s pride in my mind. Many folks would have thrown in the towel long ago and you fought for your marriage and focus on the positives. I admire you greatly and respect the traditions you’ve upheld along the way. Wishing you both long happy retirements with all the music and travel you can find when you get there. Your dedication also takes tremendous discipline , also admirable.
Thanks for this comment, Dewie. I couldn't agree more!
My first thought was, I wonder if Michael has undiagnosed ADHD. Her list of positives combined with his inability to see mess or to do the organizing/mental load tasks is what makes me think that. I think outsourcing labor is a great way to solve some of the issues, if you can afford it. We have a housecleaner come twice a month and it's a game changer.
Outsourcing labor can really be a gamechanger if you can afford it. It was one of the best pieces of advice I got as a young newlywed.
I don’t know, in my experience we outsourced for a long time before we had kids and this just trained my partner that he didn’t need to do anything. When we had kids and all the jobs and mess ramped up, 1 cleaning session a week didn’t even scratch the surface and because we’d always outsourced, he continued to not see mess or see any of it as his work and all the extra work just fell on me and I became hugely resentful.
I also worry about what this models to kids, don’t get me wrong I have a cleaner once a week and I will pay people to do things I can’t do on for house maintenance, but if you outsource everything to keep the marriage fairer (I am often tempted by this idea), kids just grow up thinking someone else will do everything and especially for the boys they don’t get any modeling of their father sharing the labour with the mother.
Hey Madelin. It's certainly a balancing act, isn't it? There's also a lot of guilt/shame women feel when we outsource labor, and so many women try to downplay or hide it, which I also think isn't helpful. I wish we would normalize paying for support if we have the means.
If a dad isn't going to be a good role model when it comes to the division of household labor, how do we make sure our sons don't follow in their footsteps? I don't know! I wish I had a solution!
I had the same thought!
Me too!
BINGO! This is our situation....I just couldn't understand for the longest time what the roadblock was! After 5 years of trying to put so much scaffolding and so many systems in place for accountability, it just wasn't happening! My Husband was diagnosed officially in the last 6 months, which really makes sense. We have a son with ADHD so I know the executive functioning blockage is real! Now we can continue forward with that in mind. He's been so frustrated with feeling like a disappointment not understanding why he couldn't just follow through. I now give him simple tasks, one or two step at best. He helps a lot with childcare and transport, which is super valuable and has a built in timeline. Just working on having him set a lot of timers and build in buffers!
Thank you, Marie!!!
I am younger than you, but also married for 19 years. I, too, love to see the culture changing around sharing household labor, but it was very much invisible back when we got married. I also carry a lot of shame that my marriage is so inequitable.
I know that lasting change comes slowly, so for now, I celebrate that my husband can recognize and talk about the household labor that I perform, and we talk about it openly with our kids. Specifically, I am very intentional about engaging my son in "owning" chores (identifying what needs to be done and then doing them on his own) and understanding all of the work that it takes to keep a household running.
Maybe in time, things will continue to progress in my marriage so that we have more equity. This is an area that we're working on, but there are so many other metrics where we're enviably strong. I really appreciate hearing from others who are in a similar situation. I think talking about this "shows the work" of how we bridge past expectations to the kind of future we want to see.
Love this, Karen! Thanks for sharing. I think a lot about how we are teaching our son about his responsibilities! It's important!
I absolutely think this was a great addition to the series. Thank you so much for sharing your life and perspective, Marie!
Person in same-sex relationship here- I have always (in my current relationship and in past relationships) been the one to carry the majority of the mental load of domestic tasks- In my experience, contributions have not always been (or felt) equal, but the context of patriarchal gender roles are (usually) not part (or less a part) of the equation. So the context is different, because it isn't about embedded (and often unconscious) gendered dynamics.
So interesting! I have often wondered if, inevitably, one person simply has to be the person in charge of the home. I truly don't know. But so interesting to hear your perspective!
I wonder this too! Maybe, like Marie talks about, one person is more organized and just sort of steps into that role early on (and maybe gets stuck there)! I think that resonates with my experiences- i may just be "better" at (more neurotic about/pay more attention to) the domestic stuff. But unlike my friends in heterosexual dynamics, there isn't the feeling of being trapped in this sexist cycle...it's just like "why doesn't my partner notice when we're out of toilet paper".
I really appreciated this perspective and the commentary around shame re: unequal division! I feel that!
And like… how f*cking stupid that women are the ones who feel the shame around this! JFC is there nothing we won’t internalize!?!?
Ugh, we internalize so much!
What a great post! Thank you, Marie. I appreciate your vulnerability and admire the way you choose to focus on all that is good and healthy in your relationship. I have a feeling this post will inspire many people to consider the qualities they love in their spouse.
Grateful for this submission and holding so much empathy for Marie.
I also wanted to add a great thank you for including this. I have always thought that "most" households probably have an uneven division of labor and this is an excellent description of how I envision it. I am 47 and divorced, but when I was married I did almost all of the housework myself. Last year I hired a cleaning service and it's one of the best presents I have ever given myself.
Good for you, Sara! That's wonderful!