Thanks for sharing this! I was married for 18 years, together for 21, and separated/divorced for four years, and we get along well. We text nearly daily about our daughter, and live about a mile from another, and what used to be blocks. We have a yearly "State of the State" budget meeting, and also have a shared account for expenses related to our daughter. We also have a group chat where we share simple notes and check-ins. If something is left at another person's home, or something is wanted, we never make a big deal about it and drive our daughter to get it or drive something over.
Divorce does even a lot out. I'm lucky to have a great co-parent, and even in family therapy, told the therapist, "we agree on 99.9% of parenting our daughter. You'll see us get along better than most married couples in family therapy," and most people agree.
When we separated, I said, "we are still a family, we just don't live together." Not sure where I first saw that, and it's true. Heck, my former mother-in-law is taking me out for lunch today. It's not all sunshine, and neither was marriage.
I love this! So smart to still do a yearly budget meeting together. Would love to know if there are any templates you follow for that, or it changes each year
It's honestly on a piece of paper, and before the meeting, I send him a note sharing what I want to discuss.
This year it was:
1. Taxes (can he please do them for her as he did last year)
2. College (she goes next year, and discussed the 529; we contribute to it from the joint account, do we continue to add to it while she's in school)
3. Health care (confirm who covers, co-pays)
4. Lessons (confirm increased cost, adding extra to joint, and who actually submits the payment from the joint)
5. How much we want to give for living expenses next year, when we will add to her account, how much we expect her to use on her own (spending money, Lyft, groceries minus us taking her for one big shop a month)
6. Roth IRA: committed to contribute a very small amount each next year (we set one up, as you can when a teenager is 16 and gets a W-2 (I think those are the rules)).
7. Helping transition her paying for things even if we fund (lessons, co-pays) verus us paying the bills. This will give her practice on paying bills
8. Agreeing on her savings. Since she's worked, I have her save half into savings. When she turns 18, I won't have sole access to her youth checking account, and realizing she will have more "real" expenses, so more on suggesting she save at at least a 20% rate. Also agreeing on how much of her savings we will "hold" for future events like when she moves cities, needs help with other large events
We are two middle class folks whose parents did not teach us much about money. It's from my interest in personal finance (of which I am no expert and have a LOT I could still implement) and wanting to destigmatize money. Let's talk about it!
Navigating divorce is more than complicated and your story shows that there are many ways of handling it, such that everyone’s needs can be met if conversations continue and communication stays open. Thanks for exploring this topic for couples who need to consider all the possible solutions.
This was interesting to read as another divorced family. We just have one kid (15 yo) to pass back and forth so not as much logistics… right now it’s mostly a lot of texting about his sports uniform and which pieces are at which house, are they clean, etc. Similar to another commenter, we have a shared credit card for kid expenses and we each pay half. We also have the annual financial check in.
One thing I will say about the division of labor - I felt like it was relatively equitable until this year when my son joined a club sports team. There is so much coordination and communication and most of it happens between the moms of the team. I find it really frustrating that I’m doing the bulk of this work. At first I tried to give more responsibility to my son, but it’s the moms who are emailing and texting and chatting. The dads rarely participate in the organization of weekend tournaments, travel logistics, or potlucks. I’ve enjoyed being part of this sports community, and I’m participating for my son, but I was not prepared for the gender inequity of it all.
It’s so hard to have dads break into areas where moms dominate. I felt like this about play dates for a while, but with my son’s current group of friends, all the parents pitch in. Do you ever say anything to the other moms about it?
OMG, yes! Our entire division of labor balance shifted this year when my daughter joined travel soccer. The planning it takes is insane and it's primarily the Moms communicating. We have a four-way carpool and all parents (8) are on the text, but you also get sucked into other families dynamics in these situations and it is typically that the Mom is lead and she'll separately text the other Moms to deal with planning challenges, etc. My husband noticed the amount of work and mental energy this all takes and has tried to take it over from me, but it's almost impossible. We are now trying to figure out how to divide this specific task more equitably as we both need to own it for this to work.
As a fellow divorced parent, it took me about a week to read this because I could tell it was an amicable situation and I would be jealous. I am jealous but also so happy they are able to coordinate in this way. I think there was just too much trauma for both of us from the divorce and ending of the marriage and we still barely even talk. My daughter recently made a family group chat and I hope that warms things up a little, but at the end of the day, not all divorces can be this way. But thank you for featuring a divorced couple! I'd love to see more! It is so lonely sometimes figuring out how to be a family in two houses and there aren't enough blueprints!
Super interesting to read this one with older kids as compared to some of the recent ones with littles – it seems so much easier (at least logistically)!
This was very interesting!! It's always nice to see people effectively co-parent - many of the divorces I've witnessed among my social circle have gotten very messy (sometimes for legitimate reasons!), and it always makes me sad for the kids.
I do think one of the aspects of divorce that could be a positive is that it forces you to spell everything out - who is responsible for what, and can define consequences if those responsibilities aren't met. Marriage doesn't *require* that, so the terms can be loose or shift.
I love how practical and unsentimental this is about what it actually takes to co-parent well. The idea that fair means sustainable, not identical, feels especially useful. It’s refreshing to see cross-training in action instead of defaulting to old roles. The detail about shared values with different execution says a lot about mutual respect. This feels like a version of divorce that prioritizes structure and growth over ego.
Great, hard work on the part of both of the parents to provide structure and consistency for their kids.
Just wanted to say looking forward to Work history, and I hope you feature some career late bloomers.
Definitely!
We hope so too!
Thanks for sharing this! I was married for 18 years, together for 21, and separated/divorced for four years, and we get along well. We text nearly daily about our daughter, and live about a mile from another, and what used to be blocks. We have a yearly "State of the State" budget meeting, and also have a shared account for expenses related to our daughter. We also have a group chat where we share simple notes and check-ins. If something is left at another person's home, or something is wanted, we never make a big deal about it and drive our daughter to get it or drive something over.
Divorce does even a lot out. I'm lucky to have a great co-parent, and even in family therapy, told the therapist, "we agree on 99.9% of parenting our daughter. You'll see us get along better than most married couples in family therapy," and most people agree.
When we separated, I said, "we are still a family, we just don't live together." Not sure where I first saw that, and it's true. Heck, my former mother-in-law is taking me out for lunch today. It's not all sunshine, and neither was marriage.
I love this! So smart to still do a yearly budget meeting together. Would love to know if there are any templates you follow for that, or it changes each year
It's honestly on a piece of paper, and before the meeting, I send him a note sharing what I want to discuss.
This year it was:
1. Taxes (can he please do them for her as he did last year)
2. College (she goes next year, and discussed the 529; we contribute to it from the joint account, do we continue to add to it while she's in school)
3. Health care (confirm who covers, co-pays)
4. Lessons (confirm increased cost, adding extra to joint, and who actually submits the payment from the joint)
5. How much we want to give for living expenses next year, when we will add to her account, how much we expect her to use on her own (spending money, Lyft, groceries minus us taking her for one big shop a month)
6. Roth IRA: committed to contribute a very small amount each next year (we set one up, as you can when a teenager is 16 and gets a W-2 (I think those are the rules)).
7. Helping transition her paying for things even if we fund (lessons, co-pays) verus us paying the bills. This will give her practice on paying bills
8. Agreeing on her savings. Since she's worked, I have her save half into savings. When she turns 18, I won't have sole access to her youth checking account, and realizing she will have more "real" expenses, so more on suggesting she save at at least a 20% rate. Also agreeing on how much of her savings we will "hold" for future events like when she moves cities, needs help with other large events
We are two middle class folks whose parents did not teach us much about money. It's from my interest in personal finance (of which I am no expert and have a LOT I could still implement) and wanting to destigmatize money. Let's talk about it!
This is so helpful, thank you for sharing!
Navigating divorce is more than complicated and your story shows that there are many ways of handling it, such that everyone’s needs can be met if conversations continue and communication stays open. Thanks for exploring this topic for couples who need to consider all the possible solutions.
This was interesting to read as another divorced family. We just have one kid (15 yo) to pass back and forth so not as much logistics… right now it’s mostly a lot of texting about his sports uniform and which pieces are at which house, are they clean, etc. Similar to another commenter, we have a shared credit card for kid expenses and we each pay half. We also have the annual financial check in.
One thing I will say about the division of labor - I felt like it was relatively equitable until this year when my son joined a club sports team. There is so much coordination and communication and most of it happens between the moms of the team. I find it really frustrating that I’m doing the bulk of this work. At first I tried to give more responsibility to my son, but it’s the moms who are emailing and texting and chatting. The dads rarely participate in the organization of weekend tournaments, travel logistics, or potlucks. I’ve enjoyed being part of this sports community, and I’m participating for my son, but I was not prepared for the gender inequity of it all.
It’s so hard to have dads break into areas where moms dominate. I felt like this about play dates for a while, but with my son’s current group of friends, all the parents pitch in. Do you ever say anything to the other moms about it?
OMG, yes! Our entire division of labor balance shifted this year when my daughter joined travel soccer. The planning it takes is insane and it's primarily the Moms communicating. We have a four-way carpool and all parents (8) are on the text, but you also get sucked into other families dynamics in these situations and it is typically that the Mom is lead and she'll separately text the other Moms to deal with planning challenges, etc. My husband noticed the amount of work and mental energy this all takes and has tried to take it over from me, but it's almost impossible. We are now trying to figure out how to divide this specific task more equitably as we both need to own it for this to work.
Work history sounds fascinating! Can’t wait to read that series.
Cannot wait for work history- I think that’ll be super helpful
We’re excited too!
As a fellow divorced parent, it took me about a week to read this because I could tell it was an amicable situation and I would be jealous. I am jealous but also so happy they are able to coordinate in this way. I think there was just too much trauma for both of us from the divorce and ending of the marriage and we still barely even talk. My daughter recently made a family group chat and I hope that warms things up a little, but at the end of the day, not all divorces can be this way. But thank you for featuring a divorced couple! I'd love to see more! It is so lonely sometimes figuring out how to be a family in two houses and there aren't enough blueprints!
My fave Purse article I've read in a long time. Thanks for sharing!
Yay! Glad to hear it!
Thanks Jenn!!
Super interesting to read this one with older kids as compared to some of the recent ones with littles – it seems so much easier (at least logistically)!
Yes! I want to feature more older kids! It's not necessarily easier -- maybe just less physically demanding?
This was very interesting!! It's always nice to see people effectively co-parent - many of the divorces I've witnessed among my social circle have gotten very messy (sometimes for legitimate reasons!), and it always makes me sad for the kids.
I do think one of the aspects of divorce that could be a positive is that it forces you to spell everything out - who is responsible for what, and can define consequences if those responsibilities aren't met. Marriage doesn't *require* that, so the terms can be loose or shift.
I love how practical and unsentimental this is about what it actually takes to co-parent well. The idea that fair means sustainable, not identical, feels especially useful. It’s refreshing to see cross-training in action instead of defaulting to old roles. The detail about shared values with different execution says a lot about mutual respect. This feels like a version of divorce that prioritizes structure and growth over ego.
Happy to read it's worked out so well, but it saddens me to read that it took divorce for there to be equity in their lives.