Why are these always so fascinating to read?! I can't figure it. It's 3,000 words of a window into a strangers thoughts and daily routine and yet I calmly set aside everything else on my plate to ponder the challenge of putting two kids to bed, string cheese requirements and stuffie demands.
I think it's that these stories are so deeply human.
Thank you for sharing this one, Lindsey and Kelly.
I so enjoy reading these, and completely understand the desire for one partner’s privacy, which makes my following request tricky, but here goes… the insight I can glean (and practical tools I can take for my own life) from the DOL series would be greatly heightened if there were some mention of finances. There are clues in addition to the stated careers (mud room, three bedrooms, what is outsourced), but no real numbers. If salaries/expenses, net worth, or anything concrete like monthly budget were shared it would be so helpful to the reader (as in this is an example of how much a family of four needs in order to divide labor in the way outlined in the DOL). Big ask I know, but a girl can dream!
I am also intrigued by this idea and wonder if it could be general or specific expenses like childcare if people don't want to offer a fully economic picture the way HomeEc does
As a Kelly fan, truly appreciated this look at her day to day. It’s nice to know that someone who makes a living focused on time management also struggles with the “potty and shoes!” argument every day, like we don’t need to do the same things every time we leave for daycare.
I loved reading this one because I grew up in a medical family (my father is/was a physician) but I don't live in one now as an adult. A job where you literally save lives has a much different impact on a family's life than even other high intensity jobs. I really admired my mom for the ways she set boundaries, figured out how to carve out professional and personal space so she didn't get swallowed by medicine and remained insistent that my dad stay present when he was around. It certainly seems like the author is doing the same and it's very impressive!
I charge my 3 sons $10 for every trip to school for something they forgot, starting in kindergarten. They got a $1 allowance every week and $100 twice a year from my parents at that age so $10 was a real penalty for them.
Other parents thought I was mean; I wasn’t. They learned very quickly to make sure they had everything they needed every day before leaving the house. (Their school was right across the street for K-5, so they could run home quickly if they had time before school.)
I have 3 kids, 2 now in high school and 1 in college. In all those years I’ve had to take something to school <10 times, total. They ride the bus these days, and even though we’ve moved 4 times and the school requirements have drastically changed then and as they transitioned from schools by age, the <10 times stuck. Did they have to borrow an iPad from the library, skip lunch or snack, or take the demerit for not having their band instrument? Yep, but very rarely.
We didn’t have money to outsource and didn’t have family nearby, so it was just me and my husband trying to hold it all together. Teaching the kids to carry their own weight with both chores and school responsibilities took a necessary weight off our household and gave them pride in themselves that has prepared them well for life.
I love this series. I also want to put out there in the world that when you marry a doctor, or lawyer, and I will add tech person. Be prepared to do a lot of stuff on your own. My brother in law is an ER doctor, the other is a lawyer, both wives had their careers, and had substantial help with their kids. They simply could not do it alone. Every drs. Wife can tell you about emergencies during holidays, family get together, whatever. Think it is just doctors? NOPE, lawyer, paralegals also working on Saturday's and Sunday's because of trials, last minute serious updates, missing information, insert the term golden handcuffs for lawyers. It use to be 1960s and 1970s a big thing to marry drs. And lawyers. It is a rough life and I am grateful to the wives who live this life. My husband is neither, I got to see him everyday and night. I am lucky.
I completely agree. I think we don't talk enough about the impact of careers on our day-to-day lives – ours or our partners' – enough when we're younger and picking jobs. In some ways, my life with M's job is hard. In others, it is easier than being a litigator (my old life) / being married to an attorney (at least, a litigator). When M is off work, he's off – barely any email, no clients calling, etc. When we have his schedule, it's pretty reliable. He can request days off and get them (if requested enough in advance and they're still open) – so we can head to CO in a few weeks for 10 days, and there's no worry about his work (or mine) derailing that. A lot of that wasn't the case in my old life / my friend's careers / their partner's careers. Lots of pros and cons to any job. And we as a society should talk about the day-to-day more when talking about careers.
“Plus, he wholeheartedly encourages me to grow my business, so he can work even less and cook even more. I think he’d happily be a stay-at-home, hobbyist dad.”
This hit so close to home! My doctor husband is also very supportive of me growing my career so he can scale back at work. The burnout, wear and tear on his body, and just overall stress and anxiety of his specialty is not sustainable. Thank you for sharing 💗
That's amazing. Less overnight work is definitely key. I think everything else would be far more doable and less stressful around their health if we could get rid of that element of this!
100%!!!!!!! Its been transformative for his week off. Before it would take days to recover from the 24hr and now he only really needs his first day off from his 7 days on to recover 🙌
Oof that 12 hour shift is brutal! It can almost feel like he’s never home. Well done on holding down the fort, Kelly! I’m sure seasons will shift over time 💕
Hi! I love all of your substack and really look forward to reading.
Something I was reflecting upon, especially after reading this one is when and how each couple spends time together? Maybe a version of that could be a question in the more general part? I’m a parent of a toddler and this comes up a lot in our relationship…but I’m also curious about those folks that don’t have kids! And naturally, I’m looking to others for ways they have “figured this out.”
This couple seems to have the routine down (and adjusting), but I was also like…wait when do they actually see each other other than passing. I felt similarly in other posts when couples go to bed right after their kids do (which I get!). Just a thought from this seemingly voyeuristic reader; I just love how much reading others’ routines makes me reflect on my own.
Love this question, and it's super valid. I can answer for us – though there's no right or wrong. Not every day is like this, though many are. Today, for example, M is home, so I've had maybe 6 little conversations with him as we're both working from home – some logistics, some fun, some just catching up. When I get his schedule block (about 3 months at a time), one of the things I do is look for nights we could go on a date / double date and then line up sitters. I would say about once every 2-3 months, we walk into the town near us, have dinner, and walk home. That's really fun. And then a few times a year, we go on domestic trips as a family – e.g., in a few weeks, we go to Colorado for 10ish days (a major perk of his weird job and my flexible one). So, it's a little day-to-day pockets and then bigger family time. We also are going on a little staycation in October for 2 nights to a town near us (about an hour away) while my parents watch the kids – but I'll be honest, I can't remember the last time we did that. 6 years ago? So, that's abnormal – and something I'm really looking forward to. Hope that helps!
This was great glimpse in another way people divide labor. I like the part about your own realistic reframing. Something I am considering in my own life as we have career and value changes around our family and home priorities.
This is not the first time someone mentioned using the calendar for “everything”. I would love to know the details in that. I put in evens and appointments but I feel like it barely scratches the surface in the myriad things parents are juggling and I would love a way for us to have a visible picture of that, like a calendar but can’t imagine using it that way.
Hi Puah! Love you pointing out that it shifts with career and family shifts and value changes as well. In terms of calendaring, you're welcome to check out my work as it's all about this, but there's ZERO pressure. I have a free podcast called the Bright Method podcast (check out ep. 1 and then go from there) and a free 5-day program. It's a nice way to see if my approach resonates. But truly – zero pressure. Just sharing in case it helps because, yes, it can be a weird shift to use the calendar in this way!
I'm not the original commenter but your 5 day program and podcast has made a huge difference for me! I'm not at the point in my career where I can justify the entire course, so thank you for all of your valuable free resources.
This was a hit for me. I loved Kelly! It's helpful to see how people do all the things when schedules are not static. I have friends who have husbands who do different jobs (volunteer firefighter in addition to a FT gig) and I love to see how people spend their time and how they balance the family caretaking. Always looking for hacks and ways to help myself and for my friends. The trip idea was epic -- I'm thinking of how I can manage that for my family too. I think it would be a huge help for me to get out for a while sans kids, and also for my husband to see the load that I carry. Appreciate this post so much and Kelly has a great sense of humor (I loved her breaking up the nightime chaos because she's mean like that LOL!).
Ha, yes “because I’m mean like that” made me smile, too. That and the part about finding the missing stuffed animal in the lamp shade— that’s my life right there.
Loved reading every word of this— I’m a growing fan of Kelly’s podcast as well. Good stuff!
I think it varies a LOT by region. I doubt we could have swung it when we lived in Boston or California. But in the midwest, it worked for us. I read Rachel Rodger's book, and she encourages people to dream about what they really want – and go price it out. She said we often think, "that's unattainable for me," and leave it at that. When we priced it out locally (I searched "private chef Minneapolis" and "personal chef Minneapolis"), it worked for us for a season. Hope that helps!
It was really powerful. Also helps with the "I need to make more money... more more more" trap a lot of us understandably fall into. Knowing the true cost of everything – including the dream stuff – has been so freeing to me.
Many families in metro Detroit have a personal chef. We haven’t chosen that path, in part because we’re surrounded by immigrant moms that stay home with their kids and have Facebook food side hustles so we can get by frugally that way when we need to. Don’t underestimate FB Marketplace for prepped meals!
Love that. There are so many options once you start exploring. There's a little storefront near us that does pickup orders of big family meals. I'll be learning more about that one as we take over more of the cooking again next month (eeek next month – this discussion is timed well for me haha)!
Why are these always so fascinating to read?! I can't figure it. It's 3,000 words of a window into a strangers thoughts and daily routine and yet I calmly set aside everything else on my plate to ponder the challenge of putting two kids to bed, string cheese requirements and stuffie demands.
I think it's that these stories are so deeply human.
Thank you for sharing this one, Lindsey and Kelly.
Thank you for the supportive and fun comment! It is pretty funny how we all do different things... and we're all searching for stuffies at night haha
Thank you, Joy!
I so enjoy reading these, and completely understand the desire for one partner’s privacy, which makes my following request tricky, but here goes… the insight I can glean (and practical tools I can take for my own life) from the DOL series would be greatly heightened if there were some mention of finances. There are clues in addition to the stated careers (mud room, three bedrooms, what is outsourced), but no real numbers. If salaries/expenses, net worth, or anything concrete like monthly budget were shared it would be so helpful to the reader (as in this is an example of how much a family of four needs in order to divide labor in the way outlined in the DOL). Big ask I know, but a girl can dream!
Hey Erica! It's a great request, and I always love feedback! I'm going to think about this!
I am also intrigued by this idea and wonder if it could be general or specific expenses like childcare if people don't want to offer a fully economic picture the way HomeEc does
As a Kelly fan, truly appreciated this look at her day to day. It’s nice to know that someone who makes a living focused on time management also struggles with the “potty and shoes!” argument every day, like we don’t need to do the same things every time we leave for daycare.
hahah "potty and shoes!" every day...
Every day!
I loved reading this one because I grew up in a medical family (my father is/was a physician) but I don't live in one now as an adult. A job where you literally save lives has a much different impact on a family's life than even other high intensity jobs. I really admired my mom for the ways she set boundaries, figured out how to carve out professional and personal space so she didn't get swallowed by medicine and remained insistent that my dad stay present when he was around. It certainly seems like the author is doing the same and it's very impressive!
Lucy – you're making me tear up over here. Thank you so much for this – truly. Thank you. Means so much to me.
I charge my 3 sons $10 for every trip to school for something they forgot, starting in kindergarten. They got a $1 allowance every week and $100 twice a year from my parents at that age so $10 was a real penalty for them.
Other parents thought I was mean; I wasn’t. They learned very quickly to make sure they had everything they needed every day before leaving the house. (Their school was right across the street for K-5, so they could run home quickly if they had time before school.)
I have 3 kids, 2 now in high school and 1 in college. In all those years I’ve had to take something to school <10 times, total. They ride the bus these days, and even though we’ve moved 4 times and the school requirements have drastically changed then and as they transitioned from schools by age, the <10 times stuck. Did they have to borrow an iPad from the library, skip lunch or snack, or take the demerit for not having their band instrument? Yep, but very rarely.
We didn’t have money to outsource and didn’t have family nearby, so it was just me and my husband trying to hold it all together. Teaching the kids to carry their own weight with both chores and school responsibilities took a necessary weight off our household and gave them pride in themselves that has prepared them well for life.
Thanks for sharing this, April! I always love to hear how other families handles annoying things like this.
I love this series. I also want to put out there in the world that when you marry a doctor, or lawyer, and I will add tech person. Be prepared to do a lot of stuff on your own. My brother in law is an ER doctor, the other is a lawyer, both wives had their careers, and had substantial help with their kids. They simply could not do it alone. Every drs. Wife can tell you about emergencies during holidays, family get together, whatever. Think it is just doctors? NOPE, lawyer, paralegals also working on Saturday's and Sunday's because of trials, last minute serious updates, missing information, insert the term golden handcuffs for lawyers. It use to be 1960s and 1970s a big thing to marry drs. And lawyers. It is a rough life and I am grateful to the wives who live this life. My husband is neither, I got to see him everyday and night. I am lucky.
I completely agree. I think we don't talk enough about the impact of careers on our day-to-day lives – ours or our partners' – enough when we're younger and picking jobs. In some ways, my life with M's job is hard. In others, it is easier than being a litigator (my old life) / being married to an attorney (at least, a litigator). When M is off work, he's off – barely any email, no clients calling, etc. When we have his schedule, it's pretty reliable. He can request days off and get them (if requested enough in advance and they're still open) – so we can head to CO in a few weeks for 10 days, and there's no worry about his work (or mine) derailing that. A lot of that wasn't the case in my old life / my friend's careers / their partner's careers. Lots of pros and cons to any job. And we as a society should talk about the day-to-day more when talking about careers.
“Plus, he wholeheartedly encourages me to grow my business, so he can work even less and cook even more. I think he’d happily be a stay-at-home, hobbyist dad.”
This hit so close to home! My doctor husband is also very supportive of me growing my career so he can scale back at work. The burnout, wear and tear on his body, and just overall stress and anxiety of his specialty is not sustainable. Thank you for sharing 💗
It's so wonderful to have supportive partners. Hope we can both reduce their hours or retire them doing things we love! ◡̈
Yes!!!!!!! He already dropped his 24 hour shift (which was brutal for so many reasons)! Next I’m hoping for less overnight call
That's amazing. Less overnight work is definitely key. I think everything else would be far more doable and less stressful around their health if we could get rid of that element of this!
100%!!!!!!! Its been transformative for his week off. Before it would take days to recover from the 24hr and now he only really needs his first day off from his 7 days on to recover 🙌
Oof that 12 hour shift is brutal! It can almost feel like he’s never home. Well done on holding down the fort, Kelly! I’m sure seasons will shift over time 💕
Thank you so much for that kind note, Afoma. Means a lot to me. Thank you. ♥️
Of course! ❤️
Hi! I love all of your substack and really look forward to reading.
Something I was reflecting upon, especially after reading this one is when and how each couple spends time together? Maybe a version of that could be a question in the more general part? I’m a parent of a toddler and this comes up a lot in our relationship…but I’m also curious about those folks that don’t have kids! And naturally, I’m looking to others for ways they have “figured this out.”
This couple seems to have the routine down (and adjusting), but I was also like…wait when do they actually see each other other than passing. I felt similarly in other posts when couples go to bed right after their kids do (which I get!). Just a thought from this seemingly voyeuristic reader; I just love how much reading others’ routines makes me reflect on my own.
Love this question, and it's super valid. I can answer for us – though there's no right or wrong. Not every day is like this, though many are. Today, for example, M is home, so I've had maybe 6 little conversations with him as we're both working from home – some logistics, some fun, some just catching up. When I get his schedule block (about 3 months at a time), one of the things I do is look for nights we could go on a date / double date and then line up sitters. I would say about once every 2-3 months, we walk into the town near us, have dinner, and walk home. That's really fun. And then a few times a year, we go on domestic trips as a family – e.g., in a few weeks, we go to Colorado for 10ish days (a major perk of his weird job and my flexible one). So, it's a little day-to-day pockets and then bigger family time. We also are going on a little staycation in October for 2 nights to a town near us (about an hour away) while my parents watch the kids – but I'll be honest, I can't remember the last time we did that. 6 years ago? So, that's abnormal – and something I'm really looking forward to. Hope that helps!
This was great glimpse in another way people divide labor. I like the part about your own realistic reframing. Something I am considering in my own life as we have career and value changes around our family and home priorities.
This is not the first time someone mentioned using the calendar for “everything”. I would love to know the details in that. I put in evens and appointments but I feel like it barely scratches the surface in the myriad things parents are juggling and I would love a way for us to have a visible picture of that, like a calendar but can’t imagine using it that way.
Hi Puah! Love you pointing out that it shifts with career and family shifts and value changes as well. In terms of calendaring, you're welcome to check out my work as it's all about this, but there's ZERO pressure. I have a free podcast called the Bright Method podcast (check out ep. 1 and then go from there) and a free 5-day program. It's a nice way to see if my approach resonates. But truly – zero pressure. Just sharing in case it helps because, yes, it can be a weird shift to use the calendar in this way!
I'm not the original commenter but your 5 day program and podcast has made a huge difference for me! I'm not at the point in my career where I can justify the entire course, so thank you for all of your valuable free resources.
I highly recommend!
Oh man, thank you so much, Janaye. So appreciate knowing that – it means a ton. Thank you, and so happy to hear it!
Thanks! Cool, that’s what you do! :) I will def check it out!
This was a hit for me. I loved Kelly! It's helpful to see how people do all the things when schedules are not static. I have friends who have husbands who do different jobs (volunteer firefighter in addition to a FT gig) and I love to see how people spend their time and how they balance the family caretaking. Always looking for hacks and ways to help myself and for my friends. The trip idea was epic -- I'm thinking of how I can manage that for my family too. I think it would be a huge help for me to get out for a while sans kids, and also for my husband to see the load that I carry. Appreciate this post so much and Kelly has a great sense of humor (I loved her breaking up the nightime chaos because she's mean like that LOL!).
Take the trip, Katie! Kelly is right! I took a bunch of trips (mostly for work) when my kid was little, and it was such great bonding time for them!
Thank you so much for the kind words, Katie! Made my day!
I'm so glad! Saved your linked episode from this piece so I can listen in a bit!
Ha, yes “because I’m mean like that” made me smile, too. That and the part about finding the missing stuffed animal in the lamp shade— that’s my life right there.
Loved reading every word of this— I’m a growing fan of Kelly’s podcast as well. Good stuff!
Ah thank you, Cheryl! Really appreciate this - thank you! And yes... looking for toys down at little kid eye-level is my new back-breaking trick haha
Another great edition!
I would love to know how much that private chef cost!
I think it varies a LOT by region. I doubt we could have swung it when we lived in Boston or California. But in the midwest, it worked for us. I read Rachel Rodger's book, and she encourages people to dream about what they really want – and go price it out. She said we often think, "that's unattainable for me," and leave it at that. When we priced it out locally (I searched "private chef Minneapolis" and "personal chef Minneapolis"), it worked for us for a season. Hope that helps!
I love this idea of pricing out your dream!!
It was really powerful. Also helps with the "I need to make more money... more more more" trap a lot of us understandably fall into. Knowing the true cost of everything – including the dream stuff – has been so freeing to me.
Many families in metro Detroit have a personal chef. We haven’t chosen that path, in part because we’re surrounded by immigrant moms that stay home with their kids and have Facebook food side hustles so we can get by frugally that way when we need to. Don’t underestimate FB Marketplace for prepped meals!
Love that. There are so many options once you start exploring. There's a little storefront near us that does pickup orders of big family meals. I'll be learning more about that one as we take over more of the cooking again next month (eeek next month – this discussion is timed well for me haha)!