“Nothing will ever be perfect because our lives are just insane right now.”
Division of Labor No. 22: Running a family business while raising two kids in suburban New Jersey
Today’s Division of Labor features friends of The Purse Heather and Douglas Boneparth, who write The Joint Account newsletter and have a book coming out soon about couples and money (as a newlywed, I will definitely be picking up a copy). You’ve probably seen some of their work circulating on Substack—I loved the essay Heather published last week about how everything seems to cost $1,000.
Doug is a certified financial planner and founder of Bone Fide Wealth, a New York City–based wealth management firm. In 2023, Heather left her job in corporate law to join Doug at the firm, where she’s the director of business and legal affairs. The couple are raising two school-aged girls in the suburbs of Jersey. (Yes, that sounds like it could be a line from a Springsteen song.)
I appreciate how candid Heather is about her and Doug’s division of labor being a work in progress. As she writes, they’re still figuring out how to make everything work, and chances are what they’re doing now will change in the months and years to come. Between operating the wealth management business, working with clients, writing a newsletter (and a book!), and caring for two kids, they are juggling quite a bit. (And as I have no children yet I have to ask: Is a 10 a.m. birthday party normal?!1)
“We don’t really subscribe to the notion that you can set up a plan and have it work forever,” she writes. “Fair is something you always need to keep checking in on and working toward.”
We’re looking for more stories for November and beyond. If you’re interested in sharing your Division of Labor, please fill out this form. It’s far less intensive than the Home Economics form (though we’re looking for new Home Ec contributors, too!). We’d love to feature more unusual living arrangements. If that sounds like you or someone you know, please share! - Alicia
Name: Heather Boneparth
Age: 40
Spouse’s Name: Douglas Boneparth
Spouse’s Age: 40
Relationship Status: Married (12 years to the day of filling out this form!)
Number of children and their ages: Hazel and Ruby, ages 9 and 6
Your job and how many hours you work per week: I work full time as the director of business and legal affairs for Bone Fide Wealth, a wealth management firm in New York City. But I’ve spent the majority of my time this past year finalizing the book I co-authored with my husband, Money Together: How to Find Fairness in Your Relationship and Become an Unstoppable Financial Team. We also co-write a weekly newsletter called The Joint Account, which is pretty much on life support until our book comes out at the end of October.
Your spouse’s job and how many hours they work per week: Douglas is the president and founder of Bone Fide Wealth, the firm I just mentioned. He works full time and takes client meetings two to three nights per week. Though we work together on basically everything, he is the financial advisor, so he spends most of his working hours on client services and operations.
Type of childcare you use: This is the first time we’ve ever tried having zero steady child care. With our book coming out and our firm being busier than ever, I’m not sure whether we’ll regret our decision, but here’s our thought process: Our daughters are finally both in public elementary school. This is the first time they’ve been together with one drop-off and pickup in four years. The last time we were in this position, we had a toddler and a kindergartner, and I was still employed as a corporate lawyer. Times really are different. It feels like they need us in a totally new way now. It’s no longer the “high touch” type of parenting, but they need more educational and emotional support. When we leaned on an after-school sitter, I felt like they were missing a component of that. This year, I made a deliberate decision to schedule their after-school activities much more strategically so that one parent could handle them and the other could keep working. We’re already seeing and feeling the benefits from that. When we do need outside support, we call upon my mom (who lives an hour away), my dad and stepmom (who live two hours away), and local high school babysitters.
How do you split up household responsibilities? I handle our laundry, household inventory, most of our food shopping and cooking, school-related responsibilities, and the majority of our extracurricular and social activities. I also handle paying the bills for a handful of our monthly expenses. Doug handles the garbage, the dishes, the landscaping, and all other seasonal maintenance, and he takes people places (i.e., school, activities, etc.). I really don’t love shuttling people around, so he handles carpools and drop-offs and pickups as often as possible. He also sits in the driver’s seat for our finances, not only because personal finance is what he does for a living, but because we are in a unique situation in which we now work together in a family-owned business.
However, you cannot delegate your understanding of money! That’s an important message we underscore in our book. We meet quarterly to discuss our overall financial landscape, taking a look at spending, saving, investments, progress toward our goals, and, notably, whether we feel we have the support we need, both from each other and from those we outsource to. Of course, we discuss any pressing items as they arise in between our quarterly meetings.
What labor do you outsource? We have a housekeeper come every other week. We use a landscaper who mows on Fridays. We use Fresh Direct, though I much prefer going to the grocery store, so I usually do a hybrid between getting the essentials for the week delivered on Sundays and shopping in person when I can.
We would very much like to hire a virtual or IRL assistant, because we feel like our work schedules are kind of spiraling out of control now that we’re managing media and meetings and appointments pertaining to our book project as well as our core business, the firm.
How did you decide who does what? We play to each other’s strengths. There are things I enjoy doing, and I want to be the one to do them. Same with Doug. There are also things neither of us enjoy doing, and so Doug does them, lol.
I’m only half kidding. Doug has stepped up in a major way since we started discussing our division of labor much more intentionally several years ago. I felt like I was losing my sense of self and suffering professionally due to the seismic weight of responsibilities I bore for our family for a long time. Nothing will ever be perfect because our lives are just insane right now. But I do mean it: Any time I say there’s something I don’t want to do, he will do it. He steps up. And I have reclaimed a lot of time to reinvest in myself personally and professionally.
Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family? I know what I want to share here, but I can’t confirm that it works yet. Our firm has its office in lower Manhattan, but when we’re working from home, we don’t have a great dedicated office space. It’s been very difficult to keep working during those elastic hours when the kids come home from school, eat dinner, and are being shuttled around to different activities. Even the parent who is “allowed” to keep working finds it hard to focus on important projects and avoid getting involved in whatever’s going on with the rest of us.
So, we decided to reinvest some of the money we used to spend on an after-school sitter into a second office five minutes from our house. We run our LLC functions (i.e., book, speaking engagement, newsletter, content) from this space. What we’re hoping to achieve here is not just obtaining a quieter space to work locally but also work-life boundaries, so that when whoever gets to keep working that day comes home, they can really put away their laptop and give the family their full attention during dinner, bath, and bedtime. I think it’s going to be great for us and for the kids.
How do you spend time together as a couple? This isn’t an issue. We work, play, and live together. We write together. We work out with a trainer together. We’re always together. It’s kind of gross.
But if you were to ask us how we unwind together, we love walking to our adorable downtown for lunch, dinner, or cocktails. We both love TV and make it a point to watch several series together at any given time. We also love EDM and going to see DJs/shows together!
Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor? More than ever before, but we’ll always have work to do. We don’t really subscribe to the notion that you can set up a plan and have it work forever. Our lives are dynamic and so are our individual and family needs. Fair is something you always need to keep checking in on and working toward.
Anything else you’d like to share? Buy our new book and subscribe to our newsletter (sorry, I am SO that girl)!
Heather and Doug shared a recent Saturday.
7:00 a.m.
Heather: Everyone wakes up. We were out late seeing a client at a concert in the city, so my mom slept over last night. I know the girls were up late, and we always hope they’ll sleep in, but they never do!
7:30 a.m.
Heather: I sit at my computer to place an order at Athleta, because they’re having a 30% off friends-and-family sale, and both girls need to size up in leggings for this school year. The mental load of taking inventory of the girls’ clothing as the seasons change is one of those things I thought would get easier but never really does. Also, no one talks about how daughters sharing clothes doesn’t last forever because they wear clothes longer, styles change, the clothing gets worn out, etc. Now they both need new stuff all the time!
Doug: I make everyone coffee. I take beverage service very seriously.
8:00 a.m.
Heather: I stay upstairs and put together a master grocery list for Rosh Hashanah. I’m hosting dinner for eight on Monday night. I’m buying everything but the beef brisket from Trader Joe’s.
I asked Doug to start a Fresh Direct order and just include the breakfast and lunch staples that we need for the week, so I can focus on the Rosh Hashanah list when I hit up TJ’s.
Doug: I make the girls breakfast and start the Fresh Direct order. While Heather does most of the cooking, I can do eggs and toast pretty well.
8:50 a.m.
Heather: I book the hotel for our spring break trip that we’re taking with another family. We’re going to Cancun. I’m not even remotely ready to think about spring break, but this is one of those things that if you don’t book it early, you’ll end up kicking yourself. So, I take care of the accommodations, and I will think about the flights and other stuff later this fall.
9:00 a.m.
Heather: I start the laundry. We’ve got a lot of laundry today, because I’m backlogged after Doug and I were traveling for work last week.
Doug: Heather won’t let me touch the laundry, but she does let me help her lift the bins up and down the steps.
9:30 a.m.
Doug: I help Ruby pick out an outfit so Heather can eat breakfast before they go to Chuck E. Cheese for a birthday party.
10:00 a.m.
Heather: I take Ruby to Chuck E. Cheese. I was hoping to drop her off and run some errands, but IDK, I feel like there is too much going on with too many strangers around for me to leave. So I stay and chit-chat with some of my mom friends. The party lasts until noon.
11:30 a.m.
Doug: I take our other daughter Hazel to her flag football photos and game.
12:00 p.m.
Heather: After the birthday party, Ruby and I go downtown to make a return and buy a birthday present for another birthday party she’s attending tomorrow. ’Tis the season.
1:30 p.m.
Heather: We all meet downtown for lunch after Hazel’s football game. My mom joins us before heading back to her house.
2:30 p.m.
Heather: I take Hazel home with me for 15 minutes to flip the laundry, and then we head out to Trader Joe’s to tackle the big holiday meal grocery shopping list.
Doug: I stop home with Ruby to grab my toolbox and then head to our new office to build a credenza that just arrived from Wayfair. We decide it’s okay to let Ruby melt into her iPad for a bit if it means I can get this task accomplished over the weekend.
3:30 p.m.
Heather: I text our babysitter to make sure she is good to arrive at 6 p.m. We’re going to dinner tonight with our good friends at a French restaurant downtown.
4:00 p.m.
Heather: Hazel and I get home, and I put away all the groceries. Hazel showers. She’s invited to the movies later to see Hamilton with three of her friends. (I love how much they all love it.) She’ll probably get home right around the same time that we do from dinner.
5:00 p.m.
Heather: I start spiraling a bit, because I realize there won’t be time for me to edit our newsletter, flip and fold the rest of the laundry, shower, and get dressed before our sitter arrives at six. We were hoping to go downtown before our 7 p.m. reservation for a cocktail, but it’s not looking good. I usually only get super anxious when I feel pressed for time, and I can’t finish what I set out to do. Doug asks what he can do, and I put him to work. He’s very good at executing things if I ask him to take over.
Doug: I make the kids dinner, help Ruby turn on the shower and get ready for the babysitter to arrive, help Hazel get ready to be picked up by her friend’s mom, and text our friends to confirm our meeting time.
5:30 p.m.
Heather: I finish editing our newsletter.
6:00 p.m.
Heather: The babysitter arrives. Hazel leaves for the movies.
6:30 p.m.
Heather: We have our cocktail at home while getting ready!
7:00 p.m.
Heather: We say goodnight to Ruby and leave for dinner.
10:00 p.m.
Heather: We come home from dinner just as Hazel is getting dropped off.
Doug: I pay the babysitter and take Hazel upstairs to get her ready for bed. Ruby is already fast asleep.
11:00 p.m.
Heather: After Hazel is asleep, Doug and I are in bed by 11.
Thank you so much, Heather and Doug!
We highly recommend Heather and Doug’s book Money Together, which comes out next Tuesday, October 28. Lindsey provided a blurb for the cover! You can also follow Heather and Doug on Instagram (here and here) and sign up for their newsletter, The Joint Account.
Haha, Lindsey chiming in to say yes, it does happen sometimes, though my kid was never a fan!
 | A guest post by
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After reading that you are in multiple bday party gift season, I wanted to share a birthday party gift tip that has worked well for us. We often group gift for my 7-yr-old son’s classmates. One mom usually spearheads checking with the birthday boy’s mom about an item and ordering, and 10-12 classmates (sometimes fewer) chip in $8-13 for items like a hammock, scooter, snow sled. Not a huge time or $ investment per family but a collective gift that is meaningful and well received.
I have two boys, and the handing down of clothes sure didn't happen like I thought it would, ha! Besides the normal wear and tear, they have turned out to have vastly different styles and growth charts. A pair of jeans my oldest wore in 4th grade that I held on to are just now fitting my youngest as he's in 7th grade, and hates jeans.
On a serious note, I totally agree that the division of labor can never be decided once and set in stone forever. We also have very dynamic lives and breakdowns that worked even last year have to be tweaked this year because things change! This year, it happens to be in my favor as my oldest son has taken over his laundry since he plays hockey 3-4 times a week and needs stuff cleaned faster than I can get to it, and our youngest has taken on dish duty at least 3 nights a week.