Division of Labor No. 13: A Stay-at-Home Mom and Political Advisor Raising 2 Small Kids in Germany

Raising kids seems easier with more social support systems, but it’s still exhausting work

Before I get into today’s Division of Labor, I just want to remind readers that Ally Jane Ayers and I will be chatting live this week about the Great Wealth Transfer and its impact on women as part of the Substack Market Forecast Summit.

I honestly felt a little funny when I first heard about this Substack finance event. While I tackle personal finance topics at The Purse, it’s definitely not a finance publication. I don’t offer stock pick recommendations or advice about the market—unless you want to talk about what to buy at the supermarket or the farmers’ market, then I’m your girl. Happy to talk produce most days, LOL!

But seriously, I find it kind of intimidating being a woman on a lineup with a bunch of men who never seem to second guess their expertise or their place in this industry. Ever since I joined CNBC in 2019¹, I’ve had to explain (defend?) my brand of personal finance content, which leans heavily into the women’s lifestyle space (another much-maligned category), as I try to make a sometimes dry and often complicated topic more accessible. Sometimes I feel excited by the challenge, and sometimes I feel exhausted that change is so slow. And yet, we’re not going to see real change in the industry until more women (and other underrepresented groups) start showing up, asking questions, sharing their knowledge, and taking up space.

So I hope you’ll join me and Ally Jane live on Friday, January 31, at 2:30 p.m. ET. I’m confident it’s going to be a fun, enlightening, and juicy conversation. We’re talking about money after all. You’ll need the Substack app to join the conversation! We hope to see you there!

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It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since I first launched Division of Labor by sharing my own story of how my husband, Ken, and I make it work raising our son in Brooklyn. Over 12 months, 11 more families shared their stories, and I’ve loved getting a peek into their lives to see how they decide who does the dishes and who takes out the trash, and—most importantly—what everyone is eating for dinner.

This year, I have some exciting plans for Division of Labor, and I’m so thrilled to kick it off with our first overseas edition! This is also the first to feature a full-time stay-at-home mom. It’s interesting to see the differences between how families make it work in the U.S. versus abroad.

I follow many social media accounts that regularly extoll the benefits European parents enjoy that U.S. families don’t have access to, namely national paid family leave and affordable childcare. Germany offers parents some of the most affordable childcare in the world (although this recent Financial Times story shows that the system has its issues), as well as 14 weeks of paid maternity leave (though only two weeks paid paternity leave) and then up to two years of paid parental leave. According to the FT story, 76% of women work in Germany, one of the highest participation rates in the world, though only 27% of mothers with young children work full-time.

But stats only tell us so much, so I’ll let Vanessa and her husband, Tobias, share their story! It’s a good one!

Name: Vanessa
Age: 37
Spouse’s name: Tobias
Relationship status: married

Number of children and their ages: We have three kids, ages one-and-a-half (LB), four (BB), and 17. My teen lives in the U.S.

Your job and how many hours you work per week: Stay-at-home mom 24/7. I haven’t had a job since BB was born four years ago.

Your spouse/partner’s job and how many hours they work per week: Tobias is employed as a political advisor at the state parliament. His work concerns environmental issues. He works 40 hours a week.

Type of childcare you use: BB attends kindergarten, usually from 8:30 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. LB is cared for by a home-based childminder called a “Tagesmutter.” The care times are between 8:30 a.m. and 2:15 p.m. every day except Fridays. I’m in a rather privileged position in that I have childcare for our toddler although I don’t work at the moment. I’d like to work, but I need the time to sort out the transition back into the job market. In my case, it’s a bit tricky because I moved to a foreign country (Germany) before I got married and had a baby.

How do you split up household responsibilities: We have a traditional division of labor with me doing the bulk of the housework and childcare while Tobias is at work. On the weekends and during his remote working days, Tobias helps with household tasks, for example vacuuming and emptying the dishwasher. Our tasks overlap, but there are some things that are done exclusively by one person; for example, Tobias pays the bills, takes out the rubbish and recycling, and maintains the car and the grounds (we don’t have a garden, but there are various plants on the property). I do all the food preparation, cooking, ironing, and almost all the laundry. We often go to the supermarket together, but sometimes Tobias goes alone, as I don’t drive.

What labor do you outsource? The childcare is outsourced through the kindergarten and childminder. We have had a babysitter (teenage girls) a handful of times in four years.

How did you decide who does what: Since Tobias is employed full-time, I’m the one who, by default, ends up doing the bulk of the housekeeping and childcare. We never decided who does what. Many of the shared tasks are done whenever is deemed necessary by whomever has the time or energy at that moment. For some other tasks, it’s a question of inclination or competence. As I mentioned, I don’t have a driver’s licence, so Tobias has to drive to the supermarket. But I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen him iron a shirt...and that’s okay. I just plug in my earphones and get on with it!

Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor: In general, yes, but not in a 50/50 kind of way. Both of us are giving 100% of ourselves. After all these years, it’s really not about who does what. Things get done. (Mostly!) Having said that, I do think that the work of a stay-at-home mom, at least with kids our age, can be more draining, isolating, stressful, and thankless than a normal office job. Like a lot of mothers, I think other people don’t seem to fully appreciate this.

Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family: You’ve all heard “it takes a village to raise a child,” and I cannot emphasize this saying enough. Unfortunately, many of us lack the support that comes with having a close extended family or community. My own extended family lives abroad. But what we do have is a family that we’re good friends with (a married couple, their three kids, and the grandma and grandpa). When we get together, it just really brings it home to me that kids are meant to be raised in community.

Picture this: I help my friend’s mother (who is in her 80s) peel potatoes for dinner, the men are chatting and have an eye out for the toddler, the older kids are all playing together. These friends live an hour away, but that doesn’t stop us from seeing each other very regularly. Sometimes we even sleep over. I would encourage parents to “twin” themselves with another family (or two) that is open to becoming a kind of second family. We do have other parents that we meet from time to time, but these friends are the only family that we can meet spontaneously (as in, “Hey, we happen to be in town! Can we come over?”) and spend the entire day together.

I think our culture is very consumerist. There’s just so much unnecessary stuff we’re encouraged to buy for our kids! But kids really don’t need that much. Instead of thinking, “What do I need for my baby?” we should ask, “Who do I need for my baby?” No baby needs an electric nail file, but every parent and child needs a strong social network.

How do you think parenting in Germany differs from parenting in the U.S.? Compared to Americans, Germans are very pragmatic and conformist. It seems to me that American parents can get quite wrapped up in individual parenting choices (homeschooling, baby-led weaning or not, co-sleeping or not), and these are an important part of a parenting “identity.” This isn’t as much the case in Germany. Of course, people might disapprove of what you’re doing, but they will tend to shrug and say, “du musst es selber wissen.” It’s a polite way of affirming that everyone should mind his or her own business. That is, unless you’re breaching safety or property rules. You might hear about it if your child is not wearing reflector lights on his bicycle—that’s unacceptable!

Anything else you’d like to share? Anyone who wants to get a decent amount of housework done at home with a small infant should try carrying the baby on their back in an infant carrier. Both my boys refused to be carried on my back (lucky me), but I have experience carrying other babies in this way, and when it works, it really lightens your load—pun intended. My favorite baby carrier is the woven wrap from Didymos. Fun fact: This brand was started in the ’70s by a German mother who was inspired by baby carriers from South America. She almost single-handedly brought the concept of “baby-wearing” to Germany, if not the whole of Western Europe. It’s a fascinating story.

Vanessa and Tobias shared a recent weekday.

7:00 a.m.

Vanessa: Breastfeeding my toddler, LB, in bed. I really would like to wake up much earlier than this, but breastfeeding and the fact that my toddler can’t stay in bed without me complicates matters.

7:30 a.m.

Vanessa: I get out of bed, leaving LB, but a few minutes later I hear him cry and run after me. I give him a big hug. Then BB comes to the living room. “Hi!” LB squeals. My husband joins us and is greeted by LB’s “Hi!” too. It’s very sweet how he loves greeting everyone. Now we’re all gathered in the living room in our pajamas. LB is very clingy, so I wonder how I’m going to put him down and get myself ready!

8:00 a.m.

Vanessa: The chaos of getting everyone dressed and ready for the day begins. It’s a stressful time of the day. I try to locate missing socks and cajole or coerce BB to put on his shoes, all the while trying to avoid getting into an argument with my significant other. I also discover LB has a poopy diaper to be changed as I’m ready to head out the door. Who can’t relate to this?!

Tobias: I have breakfast and make breakfast for BB (brown bread with butter and honey). The kindergarten offers breakfast, but BB likes to have something to eat first thing in the morning.

8:30 a.m.

Vanessa: I leave LB with Tobias while I walk with BB to kindergarten. In theory, the kindergarten is only a five-minute walk away (less if I cut through the football field), but with a kid in tow, it takes more like 20.

Tobias: I take a shower.

BB standing in front of his kindergarten.

9:00 a.m.

Vanessa: I hand over BB to the kindergarten teachers shortly before 9:00 a.m., and I walk back home. Tobias and LB still haven’t left, so I distract LB while Tobias finishes getting ready.

Tobias: I finish getting ready and clear the car of frost.

9:15 a.m.

Vanessa: We say goodbye. Tobias is very late leaving for work today, so I don’t expect him to be back before 7 p.m. After they leave, I have breakfast while watching a video on YouTube.

Tobias: I drive about five minutes to the neighboring village to bring LB to Jasmin, the childminder. She looks after four kids in total. Then I drive to my office in Düsseldorf.

10:00 a.m.

Vanessa: Our local farmer comes by every Wednesday morning with his delivery van. I enjoy chatting with him about family, politics, and life in the “old days!” (He’s a grandpa.) We’re kind of on the same wavelength. Today, I buy kohlrabi and rindergulasch (beef stew). The stew is prepared by his wife and sealed in Weck jars. I plan to serve it with kohlrabi and boiled potatoes.

Tobias: I arrive at work at around 10:00. My commute usually takes an hour without traffic. After parking in the underground garage, I sit down in front of the computer and get down to work. Today, I have some meetings with ministers regarding upcoming hearings.

10:15 a.m.

Vanessa: From about 10:15 a.m. to 11:30 a.m., I get down to housework. I make the beds, clean the bathroom, and tidy up the kitchen. I also do things that I keep putting off and don’t want to tackle with kids milling about. Today, I wash the winter woolens: sweaters, baby hats, etc. All of these garments need to be hand-washed, and this is of course time-consuming. I don’t want to spend too much time on house chores though.

On the road to pickup LB at the childminder (right) and the kohlrabi and gulasch from the farmer (left).

11:00 a.m.

Tobias: I begin working on a new project concerning a parliamentary inquiry into “Spannungsfeld Windkraft-Biodiversität.” Basically, it’s cataloging the negative effects of wind turbines on biodiversity.

11:30 a.m.

Vanessa: I now shift to focus on admin stuff. Before we had childcare for LB (his first 15 months), we had zero help whatsoever. Because of that, a lot of important-but-not-urgent things got put on the backburner. One of those things is my application for German citizenship, for which I need to submit a lot of paperwork and take certain language and knowledge tests. I work on it today. In addition, we’re house-hunting at the moment, so I’m searching for suitable rentals and making viewing appointments. I also contact a potential school for my daughter, who lives in the U.S. now but wants to finish high school in Europe.

12:00 p.m.

Vanessa: I email Tobias about the house-viewing and then warm up some leftovers for lunch.

Tobias: At 12:15 p.m., I have lunch in the cafeteria. The food is cheap and good. I have a coffee and head to my office to get back to work.

12:30 p.m.

Vanessa: I get the diaper bag ready and the cargo bike set up to go. The weather is very nice today (the sun is shining, yeah!), so I’m motivated to go by bike instead of taking the bus to pick up LB.

1:00 p.m.

Vanessa: I have a bit of time before I leave. I go upstairs to my neighbors’ and give them an unopened advent calendar we received. (It was just a bit too much chocolate for us over Christmas...) I’m very friendly with the neighbors upstairs, and we often chat.

1:30 p.m.

Vanessa: I bike to the neighboring village. I ride an e-bike, but the battery doesn’t work, so it’s a good exercise! It takes me about 45 minutes at a gentle pace. I have to pick up LB by 2:15 p.m.

I make a quick stop at a supermarket to buy a few ingredients for banana pancakes. I bump into my neighbor, and we chat. I tell her how tired I am with my toddler waking up numerous times at night.

2:00 p.m.

Vanessa: I arrive shortly after 2:00 p.m. LB is always so smiley and happy to see me! It does make me feel a bit guilty not to have him at home with me, but I know he’s in good hands and honestly, there would be no way for me to do all of the above with him around! I ask Jasmin to take a photo of me for this series then wave goodbye. I cycle back to the village and directly to the kindergarten to pick up BB.

Picking up LB from the childminder.

3:00 p.m.

Vanessa: We arrive at the kindergarten before 3:00 p.m. It’s open until 4:30 p.m, but most of the kids have been picked up by the time I arrive. It’s always a fight getting BB ready to go; it’s the mirror image of the struggle to get him out the door to kindergarten in the morning. At least today I can put both kids in the bike trailer and cycle home rather than endure the slow, slow trot we usually have.

3:30 p.m.

Vanessa: We arrive home. I unhitch the bike trailer and put it back in the shed. We take off jackets and shoes, and I meet our primal needs: toilet, snack, cuddles. From this point on, I try to go with the flow as far as the kids are concerned, which means playing mediator and conflict-resolution expert!

4:00 p.m.

Vanessa: LB sits on my lap and pages through a book (he loves books), while BB draws dinosaurs. Thanks to BB’s dinosaur passion, I can now distinguish a diplodocus from a brachiosaurus. Right now both boys seem satisfied, so I just enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts!

5:00 p.m.

Vanessa: It’s very challenging with the boys because they are very rough with each other. (BB pushes and sits on top of LB. LB bites and hits his brother with books.) I can hardly turn my back without someone falling or being pushed off the sofa! In summer, we spend a lot of time at the playground, but in winter, there are just a lot of these indoor days. Today was sunny, but at this time of the day it’s already getting dark so I’ve missed our window of opportunity to go out for a walk. I decide to put on nursery rhyme videos that involve movement for BB. Then I go to the bedroom to fold some laundry. LB joins me.

5:30 p.m.

Vanessa: I stop the videos; BB wants something else. We have to renegotiate.

6:00 p.m.

Vanessa: LB is quite unnerved now. Perhaps he’s tired? I leave BB to watch some other videos and go lie down with LB. I breastfeed him, and he dozes off.

Tobias: I leave the office for the day and start my commute home.

A side view of the state parliament building from Tobias’s car. The bridge over the Rhine river is in the background.

6:30 p.m.

Vanessa: I lie beside LB for a good hour. Yes, sometimes I do breastfeed him this long! He half feeds, half dozes… He’s always been quite high-maintenance in that I can’t put him down to sleep on his own. During this time, I read on my phone, check my messages, or close my eyes. It’s a welcome break.

7:00 p.m.

Vanessa: Tobias’s arrival wakes up LB. I now spring into action with the toddler on my hip and go to the kitchen, where I make a white sauce for the kohlrabi and other dinner preparations.

Tobias: Shortly before 7:00 p.m., I arrive home and greet my family. I cook pasta for BB. Even though we’ve offered BB gulasch several times, as usual he just wants to eat pasta with pesto.

7:30 p.m.

Vanessa: I try to occupy LB so that Tobias can eat dinner undisturbed. Mealtimes with the kids these days are improvised, and we usually take turns eating because one person needs to keep LB from climbing on the table (which he does relentlessly) or getting into our plates!

Tobias: BB and I have dinner together.

8:00 p.m.

Vanessa: For over an hour, we watch the kids together (and make sure no one’s getting hurt) while also clearing the table, loading the dishwasher, and exchanging tidbits about our day.

9:00 p.m.

Tobias: I get BB ready for bed. Having both kids in bed before 9 p.m. is rare, but we usually get the process started earlier than we have today.

9:15 p.m.

Tobias: I’m nestled in the bed with the boys. I read them bedtime stories and then fall asleep with them in the process. This happens almost every day!

9:30 p.m.

Vanessa: I sit on the sofa and enjoy some time to myself. Although it’s only 9:30 p.m., I feel really drained after an afternoon like today. I feel rather low about how things went: We didn’t get to make the banana pancakes I bought ingredients for; the kids didn’t get much fresh air; there was far too much bickering, far too much Toblerone (for me). I don’t feel like doing anything but scrolling on my phone.

10:00 p.m.

Vanessa: I realize that my brother is online, so I start talking with him on WhatsApp. He lives in Toronto. It’s usually hard to get a hold of him, so we chat for a while. I tell him how exhausting it is with the kids. He wants to have kids someday and laments this “conspiracy” from everyone to deter him!

Tobias: I reemerge from the bedroom at some point. Usually I’ll join Vanessa in the living room after this “nap,” but today I’m too tired. I brush my teeth, wish Vanessa goodnight, and get in bed.

11:00 p.m.

Vanessa: I decide to call it a day. I take a shower (this is one of the highlights of my day), put on my PJs, and get into bed beside LB. I sleep with LB, Tobias with BB. This is what I call German pragmatism.

Thank you, Vanessa and Tobias, for sharing your story!

Please comment with kindness!

Random Extras:

• Speaking of stay-at-home moms, I want to give a shoutout to Neha Ruch, who runs Mother Untitled, one of the best communities for women leaning into family life. And she has a new book out, The Power Pause. I highly recommend it!

• This is the last week left to take our survey and get an additional 10 entries into our sweepstakes. The survey and the sweepstakes closes at 11:59 p.m. EST on January 31, 2025.

• I feel like there’s been so many fun and interesting stories on Substack lately. To name just a few, kate lindsay on social media conspiracies, Amelia Wilson on her decision to rename her newsletter, and Rebecca Gale on why we need to quit it with the anti-clutter rhetoric!

1. Honestly, even at Refinery29, I spent a lot of time explaining to people that women really do want to read about investing in their 401(k) and choosing the right lipstick in the same publication.