thank you for not doing a consumerist gift guide! Mothers day 2020 was one of the low points of my life, and since then I've planned a really fun outing with mom friends NOT on mothers day (usually the sunday after because our area has multiple college graduations and every activity/restaurant is jammed) This year I'm going with 7 other moms to the sauna and brunch on May 18. Knowing this is coming takes the stakes way down for actual mothers day.
There is a historical home walking tour in a fancy neighborhood of Coronado that always falls on Mother's Day. The first year I went with another mom friend, I was heavily pregnant and she had a toddler at home. Since then, we have gone together every Mother's Day--it's honestly such a joy to have a morning to ourselves to enjoy something we truly love (homes! decor! oohing and aahing!). Having that morning to myself to NOT mom is probably the best Mother's Day gift I could have. A close second is in the afternoon of Mother's Day, all of the dads in our neighborhood take the kids to the playground--so the moms all have an afternoon of silence!!
lol my ideal Mother’s Day is where I actually get to be *not a mom* for a day. I’d like to be an aunty to my kid on Mother’s Day. So do all the fun things when *I* want and hand her off to dad for the not fun things and when I want to do my own thing. Not having to worry about cooking or cleaning. Just coexisting with the family whilst I do whatever the heck I want.
My mom is no longer alive, so the holiday is an especially complicated one for me. What I want most in the world is to have a conversation with my mom where I tell her my hopes and fears, discuss my relationship with my kids, and ask her questions about her relationship to motherhood. But alas...that's not meant to be (and no I don't want to talk to an AI version of her). Because of the grief this day brings up for me, I now make it a point to get out in front of it and plan things I will look forward to. My family has a tradition of going strawberry picking at the farm where we get our CSA box from, so my husband plans that, and then this year I'm meeting up with some friends to try the beverages at a bar that serves exclusively non-alcoholic cocktails. Other years have included hikes with friends or massages. Yes, I still have to decide what I want and make plans, but it's so much better than feeling empty and sad.
Ruthie Ackerman said it all. I'm going to be a contrarian here, and say a day alone feels like an empty way to appease a mom if the couple hood is not structured in a way that mom gets that time alone if and when she needs it. It's something I've had to actively work on with my spouse (together 17 years) because even though he is a wonderful father and husband with a genuine desire to see me happy, we defaulted to the patriarchal roles and beliefs we didn't think we had.
Love a contrarian take always! And yes, I think that's all very true! Plus, the sad truth is, a day is not enough time to recover from the exhaustion that creeps in!
I am 100% there with you on this take. I loathe this day and all the tokenism that comes with it. And this year in particular we're on a very tight budget and my husband, bless him, really wants to do something because he's just a good guy but also because of the expectations, and I feel like a jerk telling him to just not and me being able to go get some new plants is plenty a treat.
It can be really hard to explain that you just want something simple! And also even if you don’t want STUFF, you want your family to show that they appreciate you!
I seriously do not want anyTHING at all. Just a call or visit is enough! In my family, we have (mostly) moved past tying gifts to occasions, when they feel obligatory, to giving things randomly, when we happen to realize someone would really love a certain thing. My son hates obligatory presents but once he showed up with a MacBook Air for me, for no reason at all. I will randomly send books to my daughter and grandkids. It's very hard to find presents for my non-materialist son that I think he would really like, but when I do actually find something, I pounce on it for him.
I love this conversation! I’m with so many of the others (and you): moms deserve time being people—not just moms—on Mother’s Day. I want moms to be able to rest, to be alone, to choose what THEY want to do and not have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings or caring for anyone but themselves for this one day…
My mom friends and I started a tradition a few years ago where we have an afternoon/evening get together with JUST the moms and we all bring food + drinks and spend the afternoon talking and laughing together. It’s one of my favorite “holidays” lol) bc of this.
Being woken up to hot coffee, a few hours to languish in bed with a book, no meal prepping or snack making or kitchen tidying, and my husband pushing me out the door into a day already planned out. No decision making is the true gift.
Years ago, when our kids were little, we made "Moms Day" the day before Mother's Day. We hosted a delicious brunch, and then we went out thrifting and did whatever we wanted. The gift was *time* - in that we didn't tell our spouses when we would be home. It's interesting to look back and see how much we craved the time together, and the wrangling it took/guilt to have what was maybe 6-8 hours.
It's been more than a decade, and we still do this - a brunch of sorts, and an adventure. This year, we will go for a hike and picnic. Celebrate in one another and the hassles and joys of raising humans. We age with our girlfriends. I luxuriate in their support.
All of these hit so hard!! As someone currently on vacation snapping thousands of incredibly adorable candid shots of my partner and our daughter, Alisha really nails it with her desire for a few candid shots. Same, girl.
Of course, I always want the things I can't have: universal child and health care, longer and federally mandated paid leave, governmental support that extends through the life of the child, etc. etc. But since that feels pretty far off, I'll settle for some time off from household decision making and/or a regular house cleaner so I can at least take ONE thing off my list.
Happy Mother's Day, everyone!! They, quite literally, could not do it without us!!
I get SO many "gift guide" pitches from publicists that I've set up filters for phrases like "Mother's Day" "Father's Day" "Christmas" and "Black Friday" to skip my inbox altogether. But one email did slip through from a brand pitching custom window treatments as a Mother's Day gift. At first I chuckled, but then I realized that sounded really great. I'm ten years into my apartment and still haven't figured shades out!
thank you for not doing a consumerist gift guide! Mothers day 2020 was one of the low points of my life, and since then I've planned a really fun outing with mom friends NOT on mothers day (usually the sunday after because our area has multiple college graduations and every activity/restaurant is jammed) This year I'm going with 7 other moms to the sauna and brunch on May 18. Knowing this is coming takes the stakes way down for actual mothers day.
That sounds like SO much fun!
There is a historical home walking tour in a fancy neighborhood of Coronado that always falls on Mother's Day. The first year I went with another mom friend, I was heavily pregnant and she had a toddler at home. Since then, we have gone together every Mother's Day--it's honestly such a joy to have a morning to ourselves to enjoy something we truly love (homes! decor! oohing and aahing!). Having that morning to myself to NOT mom is probably the best Mother's Day gift I could have. A close second is in the afternoon of Mother's Day, all of the dads in our neighborhood take the kids to the playground--so the moms all have an afternoon of silence!!
This all sounds lovely!
lol my ideal Mother’s Day is where I actually get to be *not a mom* for a day. I’d like to be an aunty to my kid on Mother’s Day. So do all the fun things when *I* want and hand her off to dad for the not fun things and when I want to do my own thing. Not having to worry about cooking or cleaning. Just coexisting with the family whilst I do whatever the heck I want.
That sounds amazing!!
My mom is no longer alive, so the holiday is an especially complicated one for me. What I want most in the world is to have a conversation with my mom where I tell her my hopes and fears, discuss my relationship with my kids, and ask her questions about her relationship to motherhood. But alas...that's not meant to be (and no I don't want to talk to an AI version of her). Because of the grief this day brings up for me, I now make it a point to get out in front of it and plan things I will look forward to. My family has a tradition of going strawberry picking at the farm where we get our CSA box from, so my husband plans that, and then this year I'm meeting up with some friends to try the beverages at a bar that serves exclusively non-alcoholic cocktails. Other years have included hikes with friends or massages. Yes, I still have to decide what I want and make plans, but it's so much better than feeling empty and sad.
I’m so sorry about your mom, Abby. But I really admire how you’ve made Mother’s Day work for you! Sounds like you’ve got wonderful things planned! ❤️
Thanks, Lindsey. Enjoy your travels with your mom - they sound absolutely lovely!
Ruthie Ackerman said it all. I'm going to be a contrarian here, and say a day alone feels like an empty way to appease a mom if the couple hood is not structured in a way that mom gets that time alone if and when she needs it. It's something I've had to actively work on with my spouse (together 17 years) because even though he is a wonderful father and husband with a genuine desire to see me happy, we defaulted to the patriarchal roles and beliefs we didn't think we had.
Love a contrarian take always! And yes, I think that's all very true! Plus, the sad truth is, a day is not enough time to recover from the exhaustion that creeps in!
I am 100% there with you on this take. I loathe this day and all the tokenism that comes with it. And this year in particular we're on a very tight budget and my husband, bless him, really wants to do something because he's just a good guy but also because of the expectations, and I feel like a jerk telling him to just not and me being able to go get some new plants is plenty a treat.
It can be really hard to explain that you just want something simple! And also even if you don’t want STUFF, you want your family to show that they appreciate you!
I asked my husband what’s the plan for Mother’s Day and he asked what I wanted to do. No sir, you need to plan something!
If anyone can tell my baby to sleep through the night that would be the greatest gift ever I am so tiiiiiirrrrredddd
Haha, yes! I’ll give your baby that memo!
I seriously do not want anyTHING at all. Just a call or visit is enough! In my family, we have (mostly) moved past tying gifts to occasions, when they feel obligatory, to giving things randomly, when we happen to realize someone would really love a certain thing. My son hates obligatory presents but once he showed up with a MacBook Air for me, for no reason at all. I will randomly send books to my daughter and grandkids. It's very hard to find presents for my non-materialist son that I think he would really like, but when I do actually find something, I pounce on it for him.
Great newsletter!
I love this conversation! I’m with so many of the others (and you): moms deserve time being people—not just moms—on Mother’s Day. I want moms to be able to rest, to be alone, to choose what THEY want to do and not have to worry about hurting anyone’s feelings or caring for anyone but themselves for this one day…
My mom friends and I started a tradition a few years ago where we have an afternoon/evening get together with JUST the moms and we all bring food + drinks and spend the afternoon talking and laughing together. It’s one of my favorite “holidays” lol) bc of this.
Hope you’re having an amazing trip! ❤️
Love this!! (And thank you!)
Being woken up to hot coffee, a few hours to languish in bed with a book, no meal prepping or snack making or kitchen tidying, and my husband pushing me out the door into a day already planned out. No decision making is the true gift.
I wrote that mothers want care not cards on mother's day two years ago and this whole thing still stands. https://cindyditiberio.substack.com/p/care-not-cards
Yes! Love it!!
Years ago, when our kids were little, we made "Moms Day" the day before Mother's Day. We hosted a delicious brunch, and then we went out thrifting and did whatever we wanted. The gift was *time* - in that we didn't tell our spouses when we would be home. It's interesting to look back and see how much we craved the time together, and the wrangling it took/guilt to have what was maybe 6-8 hours.
It's been more than a decade, and we still do this - a brunch of sorts, and an adventure. This year, we will go for a hike and picnic. Celebrate in one another and the hassles and joys of raising humans. We age with our girlfriends. I luxuriate in their support.
Time. Time. Time.
Oh I love this idea so much I may steal it!
Please do!
All of these hit so hard!! As someone currently on vacation snapping thousands of incredibly adorable candid shots of my partner and our daughter, Alisha really nails it with her desire for a few candid shots. Same, girl.
Of course, I always want the things I can't have: universal child and health care, longer and federally mandated paid leave, governmental support that extends through the life of the child, etc. etc. But since that feels pretty far off, I'll settle for some time off from household decision making and/or a regular house cleaner so I can at least take ONE thing off my list.
Happy Mother's Day, everyone!! They, quite literally, could not do it without us!!
A regular house cleaner can really be a game changer!
Ditto on everything in this intro, could ya nail it more?!
Ha, thank you!!
I get SO many "gift guide" pitches from publicists that I've set up filters for phrases like "Mother's Day" "Father's Day" "Christmas" and "Black Friday" to skip my inbox altogether. But one email did slip through from a brand pitching custom window treatments as a Mother's Day gift. At first I chuckled, but then I realized that sounded really great. I'm ten years into my apartment and still haven't figured shades out!
Ha, but would you really want your husband to pick those out without your input? Or even write you a note with a window treatments IOU? LOL.
No--not at all, which is what made it such a funny PR pitch! But man, I would like the window treatments to magically appear on Sunday.