In Her Purse: The Shine Theory Edition

Let's celebrate the amazing women in our lives

Just a reminder that The Purse will be landing in your inbox on Mondays through December!

Earlier this fall, Aja Frost interviewed me for a piece about jealousy in Platonic Love, the newsletter she cowrites with Aliza Sir. I’ve been pretty open in this newsletter about how I suffer from envy from time to time. But as I explained to Aja, most of my jealousy is reserved for people I don’t know. Once I meet you, and we become friends, the vibe shifts, and I am excited to be your biggest cheerleader.

It might sound Pollyanna of me, but I really do get so excited when I see my friends and former colleagues enjoying success. I love it when they get a big promotion, land a cool new job, launch a podcast, or start some new artistic endeavor. It’s so fun to walk around Barnes & Noble and see all the books my friends have written. I feel cooler by association.

You could call this the “Shine Theory,” which Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow made famous back in 2013, when Ann penned an essay in The Cut. “When you meet a woman who is intimidatingly witty, stylish, beautiful, and professionally accomplished, befriend her,” Ann wrote. “Surrounding yourself with the best people doesn’t make you look worse by comparison. It makes you better.”

I love In Her Purse because I get to highlight the cool women I know. I really do believe they make me look better. And I also believe they are going to continue to do amazing things to help shape the world into a better place. One day at a time.

Today’s In Her Purse features two women I’ve known since my Refinery29 days. I remember having a phone call with Alisha Ramos in the lobby of R29 sometime around 2018. She joined me on the Money Diaries podcast to discuss her decision to leave her well-paying job to launch Girls’ Night In. (Clearly, I was inspired—it just took a few years to follow in her footsteps.) While we fell out of touch after I left Refinery, I continued to follow her work, and we reconnected last summer, just as I was launching The Purse.

Alisha is truly someone who lives by the Shine Theory. She’s an amazing advocate of other writers and female creators, and I feel so lucky to be in her orbit. It’s also been such a pleasure to watch Girls’ Night In evolve into Downtime, and to see Alisha become a mother. The first year of motherhood is no cakewalk, and I appreciate Alisha sharing her experience with her readers.

The second woman featured today is Maggie Mertens. I first met Maggie through our mutual friend, former R29 editorial director Mikki Halpin. Maggie wrote so many wonderful articles for Refinery29, including an important piece on weight discrimination for our seminal series “Take Back the Beach.” (LOL to that old R29 headline: “THE PROBLEM NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT”—it was an audience favorite!) She also wrote frequently about female athletes, including the ongoing issue of the gender pay gap in sports. It’s a topic she’s continued to cover, and this year, she released her first book, Better Faster Farther: How Running Changed Everything We Know about Women. Oh, and she hosts a Gilmore Girls podcast! What’s not to love about that?

These two women embody the Shine Theory. I don’t know about you, but right now I’m feeling the need to uplift the women I know and give them credit for the hard work they do.

In uncertain times, it’s easy to feel hopeless and get angry with others. But it’s more powerful to find connection and lift each other up—and that’s what we’re trying to do here at The Purse. As we go into the next week, let’s remember the importance of friendship, love, and compassion. When everything is the worst, you can’t go wrong bragging about your awesome friends and enjoying the warmth of their glow. 

Let’s celebrate our friends! Tell me about the friends who help you shine!

Alisha Ramos: The Questions

What is your idea of perfect happiness? I just love a lazy Sunday. I think it was Olivia Muenter who recently described on her podcast, Bad on Paper, the “perfect fall Sunday afternoon kind of happy.” It's that golden hour when most of the weekend’s to-dos are done, and all that’s left is to relax. The sun is streaming through the living room windows; maybe there’s a gentle breeze coming through a cracked window. There’s something cozy simmering in the slow cooker, like a hearty chili or stew. Football plays in the background—even though I’m not a fan, there’s something soothing about knowing millions are tuning in to the same thing. I have my husband and daughter hanging out with me in the kitchen, and maybe we’re waiting for some friends to arrive with a bottle of wine. I just love the cozy feeling of cooking delicious food, embracing a slower pace, and hanging out with people I really love.

What is your greatest money fear? My greatest money fear stems from the fact that we now have a mortgage and a child—two things we didn’t have just a few years ago. The fear of my income dipping dramatically and having to make tough choices or hustle hard to recover feels more real now. As someone who’s self-employed, my income fluctuates month to month. There are quieter months when I think, “Okay, this is it. I’m going to have to go find a job.” Then, of course, things usually stabilize the following month. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, but something a friend once told me sticks with me: Sadly, there’s no such thing as job security anymore. I’d rather be the captain of my own ship, so I’m committed to this self-employment journey. I’ve had to learn how to navigate the highs and lows and find balance along the way.

What is the financial trait you most deplore in yourself? Deplore is a strong word—I’m working on being more compassionate with myself—but if I had to choose, it’s my shopping habit, especially when it comes to clothes. It’s something I’ve only recently started to get a handle on. I wrote a bit about it here. 

What is the financial trait you most deplore in others? Not tipping. And judging others for making purchases that bring them happiness. Buy what you want to buy! It’s your money, and it’s none of my business!

If you could change one thing about your financial situation, what would it be? Our mortgage rate. 🫠

What do you consider your greatest financial achievement? My greatest financial achievement was raising a $500K pre-seed round of funding for my first business from amazing venture capital and angel investors. This was during a time when less than 2% of VC money went to women entrepreneurs, and an even smaller fraction to women of color. I was only 26 at the time, and looking back, I’m honestly in awe of my younger self—like, how did I have the audacity to pitch investors like that?!
I still remember the moment my round closed. I was out getting pizza with friends when I saw a call from one of the firm’s partners. Without a word, I bolted out of the restaurant and onto the sidewalk to take it. The partner wanted one last conversation and my final hard pitch on why my business deserved the funding. I don’t think my heart has ever raced that fast or my palms sweat so much on a call. But I closed the round that day, and it completely changed the course of my financial future, even though the business didn’t exit. I’m proud of that moment.

Where would you most like to live? I feel very happy where we currently live, in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. As far as suburbs go, it’s an idyllic (and yes, privileged) place with a great community feel, excellent schools, and, of course, proximity to so much culture, good food, and other cities. I would love to one day own a second property somewhere peaceful by the ocean or a lake…I love being near bodies of water.

What is your most treasured possession? My Kindle. I read a lot!

What is your greatest money regret? This one makes me blush any time I think of it. But I did not invest my Roth IRA into anything until I was 26. It had just been sitting there. I felt so stupid when I realized what I’d done. I feel strongly that this type of personal finance knowledge should be taught in schools from an early age. I grew up in a first-generation immigrant household; my parents weren’t able to teach me much about financial literacy growing up. I hope to pass on more knowledge and support to my daughter one day.

What is your money motto? You have to spend money to make money. It’s an annoying phrase, but I’ve learned the truth of it in both life and in business. Some things are worth putting the investment in, whether that’s hiring a lawyer when first starting your business or investing in cleaners to come clean your house if that will bring you peace and give you back some time to do other things that you’re good at.

What is a nonprofit that’s near and dear to your heart that you’d like Purse readers to know about? World Central Kitchen, led by Chef José Andres. They are doing fantastic work, and I’m in awe of how quickly they can mobilize on the ground during major disasters such as Hurricane Helene and Hurricane Milton.

Alisha: The Purse

1. Kindle Paperwhite

2. Some Lines A Day five-year journal

3. Uni-ball Signo UM-151 gel pen ( 0.38 mm). Listen to me—this is the best pen.

4. Red Moleskin

5. Corded headphones

6. Rhode lip peptide treatment

7. Aesop hand sanitizer

8. Cloth mask (I’ve been sick recently)

9. Krewe sunglasses 

10. Madewell coin/card wallet from a million years ago

11. Madewell sling crossbody bag

Maggie Mertens: The Questions

What is your idea of perfect happiness? Reading a book somewhere cozy while looking at water and drinking something warm and delicious. (Maybe in a giant house with the rest of my big family, but no one is bothering me.)

What is your greatest money fear? Not being able to afford childcare.

What is the financial trait you most deplore in yourself? I wouldn’t say I deplore anything about myself; I would say that sometimes I wish I was more active in my family’s finances. Because my spouse has been the one throughout our marriage with a salaried job with benefits—while I’ve always been self-employed and freelance—he takes care of most of our retirement planning, investing, and savings. This makes sense for us, and I do my own saving, spending, and investing (on a smaller scale), but I hate the traditional gender roles of it all. 

What is the financial trait you most deplore in others? Not being generous. Nitpicking about group costs. It may be an unpopular opinion, but when you’re out with a group, and you can afford it, just pay for everyone! I have four siblings, and we do this in no particular order every time we’re together, and everything comes out in the wash, and it feels great not to argue about money and treat people you love and be treated by people you love regularly. On a much bigger scale, I deplore billionaires who think they actually worked hard enough to deserve the money they’ve made, as opposed to the truth, which is that they’ve just taken advantage of others who work harder for much, much less.

If you could change one thing about your financial situation, what would it be? I would love to do the work that I do, which is creative and freelance, but feel like I have the financial stability and benefits of a salaried job.

What do you consider your greatest financial achievement? Selling a book! It took me many, many years of research and writing and working with an agent until I sold my book, which I did just a few months after my second child was born. I really felt like I’d risked a lot in freelancing for so many years in order to give myself the flexibility to focus on a book proposal, which was a major goal of mine. The advance was enough to allow me some time off of the freelance hustle to actually report and write the thing and help cover childcare costs, and I’m pretty proud of that.

Where would you most like to live? Oh gosh, this is hard. I love living in Seattle because it’s near my family, but I always miss Brooklyn when I go back to visit. I’m also the kind of person who would love to live in a different city every year of my life. 

What is your most treasured possession? My engagement ring, which was my grandmother’s wedding ring. 

What is your greatest money regret? Hmmm. I really regret that the Supreme Court didn’t allow Biden to forgive student loans, as it would have practically wiped out the rest of my student debt. Does that count?

What is your money motto? Money is fake. By that I mean the numbers are all relative, and our system is completely upside down. I think too many people stress about the numbers as though it means something about your value, when what really matters is achieving a life that makes you happy. If you’re struggling financially, remember: It’s not a reflection on you as a person.

What is a nonprofit that’s near and dear to your heart that you’d like Purse readers to know about? I give most often to a local organization fighting food insecurity, inequity, and poverty: Northwest Harvest. Food isn’t something anyone should be worried about paying for, and it saddens and enrages me how living in a state with some of the wealthiest humans in the world so many people still struggle just to meet their basic needs. You can find your local food bank at Feeding America. 

The Purse: Maggie

1. My grownup work bag is an Italian leather backpack that I’m in love with.

2. My day-to-day bag is a tiny Patagonia fanny pack that I may or may not have stolen from my kid. It fits just my wallet, phone, keys, and tampons, aka the essentials.

3. Do Ju lip balm.

4. This beautiful blue leather business card case is from my work wife and freelance writing buddy, Latria Graham, and I love how professional it makes me feel.

5. A mask and tissues. Because traveling and having kids means trying not to get sick and always getting sick anyway.

6. A phone charger I had to buy at a train station this summer when I was out of town for a book event and my phone was about to die—emergency!

7. Hair clips. I’m always leaving the house with my hair wet, and I keep these in my curls until they dry, so they always end up in my bag. 

8. This gorgeous stone was a gift from one of my brothers. I can’t remember the actual name of it, but it’s supposedly helpful for clear communication if you hold it. I’m a little bit of an anxious speaker, so I often hold onto it during interviews, and it gives my hands something to do.

9. Books and a notebook. I’ve been doing lots of book readings and signings so yes, that is my own book, Better Faster Farther, as well as one I’m reading for another event right now, Locker Room Talk by Melissa Ludtke, an incredible memoir by the woman who sued Major League Baseball to be able to have access to locker rooms as a sports reporter, plus a little Moleskine for writing down notes, names, thoughts, etc. 

10. My Owala water bottle is my latest obsession. 

11. A sweet card my husband and kids wrote for me on the day of my book release this summer.  

Thank you, Maggie and Alisha!

Random Extras

• Don’t forget to RSVP to our event at Argent in Soho on Wednesday, November 13, from 5 to 7 p.m. You can email us at hello@thepurse.co. (Or just reply to this email!)

• Need a pep talk about the election? Me too! I loved Mary Catherine Starr’s newsletter from last Friday. Whatever happens, we will keep going!

• My friend Maxie McCoy has been working on her novel for more than three years, and now it’s available for pre-order!

• I’m excited for this month’s giveaway for paid subscribers! This month’s prize is a copy of Maggie’s book, Better Faster Farther, and a Some Lines A Day five-year journal.¹

1. The sweepstakes is limited to readers within the U.S. It closes at 11:59 p.m. ET on November 30, 2024. To enter without upgrading to a paid subscription, please reply to this email by 11:59 p.m. ET on November 30, 2024, that you would like to be entered in the sweepstakes. If there are any further questions, simply respond to this email and I will do my best to answer them.