Crushed under the mental load of the holidays
Trying not to be a total Grinch this year
Last week, as I put the finishing touches on my Thanksgiving newsletter, Ken said to me, “I’m sorry you don’t like the holidays. I really enjoy them.”
Dear reader, I lost my shit, and poor Ken never saw it coming.
“Well, maybe I would enjoy the holidays too if everything was catered to me, and I didn’t have to lift a finger,” I said, my voice rising. “You have no idea how much work it is! You don’t cook. You don’t shop. All you have to do is show up!”
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This is a pretty unfair assessment of Ken’s holiday participation. It’s true he doesn’t cook any of the meals, but oftentimes neither do I because members of Ken’s family host, and we don’t do more than bring a bottle of wine. And last week, after Thanksgiving dinner (a meal I did help cook, even though my mom was running the show), he cleared the table and, with the help of his dad, hand-washed the fine china along with most of the pots and pans. I’m not sure the division of labor for the day was exactly fifty-fifty, but our Thanksgiving also wasn’t exclusively produced by women.
Still, I can’t deny my gut reaction to his comment about enjoying the holidays. As I say over and over again from late November to late December: This is not my season. I frequently feel totally overwhelmed. There is so much to do this time of year—gifts to buy, cards to mail, holiday tips to organize, homes to decorate, events to attend, memories to make—and you’re supposed to do it all with a smile and a lot of style so you can post it on Instagram to prove to the world that you do, in fact, live a picture-perfect life, AND that you’re making real magic, AND that you’re a GOOD MOM, god dammit!
This cartoon sums up so much of how I feel this time of year.
It really doesn’t help me that it seems like everyone else is having such a wonderful time according to the pictures they post on Instagram. Rationally, I know that it’s not reality, and yet, scrolling social media this time of year makes me feel bad. The holidays are not the highlight of my year, and my grid is not filled with cute photos of my family in matching PJs posed in front of the Christmas tree. It’s not that we’re having a miserable time. But some days, I struggle to not feel like a total Grinch. I don’t like that about myself.
I wrote in last week’s newsletter that I’m going to try to lower my standards this holiday season, but in retrospect, that feels a little disingenuous. I’m not one who feels good about lower standards. I’ll stew if something is not quite to my liking, and that just compounds all the stress. But I do think there are other ways to make the holidays a little easier. And I’m hoping by writing them down and sharing them with you, maybe 1) I’ll help you all find a way to manage the holidays better; and 2) I’ll actually follow my own advice and try to have a little fun.
Here are the five things I’m going to do to try to ease my burden this holiday season and find some joy.
1. Let it go. One of my biggest stressors about the holidays is the influx of toys that my son is about to receive and the fact that we have nowhere to store them. My kid is an only child and the only grandson on my husband’s side of the family, and his grandparents love him A LOT. It’s wonderful! And it’s terrible for me because when all the giving is over, I’m the one who’s responsible for figuring out where to stash the 7th Lego set and 500th Hot Wheels car and 10 millionth stuffed animal in our small two-bedroom apartment.
Last year, I was reading Catherine Newman’s (sadly now defunct) etiquette column in Real Simple, and a reader wrote in expressing just my dilemma: frustration about all the toys. And Catherine told the woman to let it go. I no longer have a copy of the magazine, so this isn’t a direct quote, but essentially, she said the period of time when your child receives so many toys is brief. In a couple of years, he will move on to other things. But the joy grandparents get from the giving is immense. So let them have that joy.
I’m not going to win the toy war, so I’m going to let it go. (Though I’ll admit I hope both grandmothers are reading and will maybe rein it in a tiny bit because truly if we get another Pokemon card, I may lose my mind.)
(I’ll also add this great read from my friend Heather Boneparth’s newsletter Joint Account about being more thoughtful about the kinds of holiday gifts you buy for your kids this year.)
2. This isn’t about you. Bad news, moms and dads: We are not the main characters in these stories. The holidays are for our kids. And they are also for spending time with family. There’s so much emphasis these days on putting yourself first and drawing up boundaries, and there’s probably some validity to all of that. But also, not every single day is about you and your needs, and sometimes you have to do things that will make other people happy. (I know, I know, moms, it’s arguably rarely about us—I’m just saying this is not the time of year to try to make it about you. Save that for when the weather is nicer!) The key, though (and, admittedly, this is where I struggle!!), is that you have to be nice when you’re doing that thing for the other person. If you show up at your family’s holiday extravaganza and spend the whole time sulking, then you’re going to make everyone else unhappy, too. And that’s just a crummy way to be.
3. You don’t have to do it all. Between all the shopping and holiday parties and wintery activities, not to mention year-end work responsibilities, it can be impossible to get it all done. So don’t do it all. Skip the baking. Or the holiday-card sending. Don’t wrap presents. (It’s bad for the environment anyway!) Don’t take your kids to see Santa. (This came off my list in 2019 after my son got the flu shortly after our visit with the Macy’s Santa, an experience that took HOURS despite the fact we had a reservation. And then, of course, he refused to sit in Santa’s lap, and I can’t blame him. I still remember Santa’s hot hands from when I was a little kid and just YUCK!) Choose a thing or two or five to add to your to-don’t list. It will make your load so much lighter.
Shoutout to Heather for resurfacing this classic cartoon on her Instagram stories. It’s pretty much perfect.
4. Find the things that make you really happy and make them traditions. Every December, my dad and I pick a Saturday to have lunch and go shopping for my mom. We’ve been doing this since I was tiny, and it’s one of my favorite weekends of the year. I’m very sentimental, and creating and maintaining traditions is important to me. We’re still working on establishing holiday traditions for our kid. Honestly, it stresses me out a bit that we’re not super consistent about where and how we spend Christmas morning. But we make a point of getting a Christmas tree and decorating it together. Ken and the kiddo do their own holiday shopping adventure with a stop at the Rockefeller tree. We try to make it up to the train show at the New York Botanical Garden. Our son is just getting to the age where he really remembers things, so I feel like now is the time to focus on making those special holiday memories.
5. Try a mindset adjustment. I got this piece of advice from my mother-in-law’s good friend (and Purse reader!) Jean, and I loved it so much I wanted to share it with others. She recommended reframing the feeling of “This is stressful” as “This is exciting.” She admits it doesn’t always work (when your kid is having a full-blown holiday-related meltdown, “exciting” is not quite the right word), but there is something to be said about trying to get a little perspective on it all. Yes, the holidays are stressful. But these are very much First World problems, as Jean points out. There are terrible things happening all around the world right now, and now more than ever, it’s important to be grateful for what we do have: plenty to eat, a warm place to sleep, and the means to give our children whatever they want. We can wrap our arms around our loved ones and give them a hug even when they are driving us the craziest. We shouldn’t downplay that privilege.
There’s one other small thing I’m going to do for myself this holiday season: delete Instagram off my phone for the week of Christmas. I know the app is a trigger for me, and it’s an easy way to remove some of the unnecessary stress from my life.
And small hot take: If you’re not a mom in the thick of raising a family and managing a career and keeping a house and trying to do all the things, think about how you might help lighten the burden of a woman you know who’s in this situation. These might be First World Problems, but it is a stressful time of year for us. Give us some grace. Cancel a meeting so we can have an afternoon to get some shopping done. Send us a text saying we’re doing a great job. Buy one less gift for our cute kids even if you really want to spoil them. Offer to bring an extra dish to dinner or stay to do the dishes. Moms could use a little more kindness and recognition this time of year. After all, who makes the magic happen if not us?
What are you doing to make your holidays less stressful and more fun? Have you found the key to making the holidays more manageable? Or does it feel like a long slog to the new year? Either way, we’ll get through it! And even if it’s not Instagram-worthy, hopefully it will hold a few good memories.
xx
Lindsey
