Division of Labor No. 11: A Single Mom Raising Her Daughter in Jersey City

What does life look like when there's no partner to share the mental load?

I don’t know about you, but I feel my anxiety spiking with less than two weeks until the election. I’m also having a hard time imagining what life is going to be like after November 5. I found myself shutting off NPR in frustration this week, as some Pennsylvania fracking exec explained to Steve Inskeep that he’d be voting Republican because he was worried about a potential Democratic presidential administration taking away his rights. Insert all the curse-word emojis and imagine me banging my head on my keyboard.

How are you managing your anxiety? Avoiding the news? Canvassing for the Harris campaign? Volunteering as a poll worker? Crying in the shower? All legitimate coping mechanisms! 

Honestly, for better or worse, I’m just trying to keep my head down and focus on my work and my family. What’s the saying about letting go of the things you can’t control? But man, it is hard!

The bright spot in all this election noise is our Money Talks event on October 30, with Lindsay Dorf, cofounder of Astor. We still have tickets available, and I’m pleased to be able to extend the discount to all Purse readers. Use the code PURSETALKS for 50% off tickets!

Erika and I talked a lot about our goals for our first event, and one thing we want is to make sure everyone who attends feels comfortable, even if they’re going alone. It can be scary if you’re not an extrovert to go to an event by yourself. Which is why we decided on a small-group-conversation format. Each group will have a host/expert to lead the conversation. We’ll have a few topic starters to help keep things flowing. But I’m not really worried about a lot of awkward pauses—I feel confident you all have a lot to say. It’s also so nice to come together during these stressful times. I do believe community is everything.  

Tickets include food and beverage. And there will be plenty of time to mix and mingle with your fellow Purse readers in a cute bar in a fun neighborhood. Plus, with the event ending at 7:30 p.m., you could do dinner out after—or race home to make bedtime, which I know is also a thing!

Okay, now onto today’s Division of Labor, which is a little different than usual. It features a single mom!

Anna Davies and I have known each other for many years. She used to freelance for me at Refinery29, and she even covered my maternity leave. I also remember having coffee with her when she was just a few weeks shy of giving birth to her daughter and being in total awe of what a badass she was—and still is! Anna is smart and funny, and I’ve always admired how she approaches single motherhood.

A few weeks ago, on LinkedIn, I posted something about solo parenting for a weekend, and Anna (nicely) called me out on it. As a single mom, she really doesn’t like when coupled parents use that term to describe a period of time when they are alone with their kids. And she’s right: I might have long weekends when Ken’s away and it’s just me and Freddy, but 100% of the time, I have Ken’s financial and emotional support. 

Anna offered to do a Division of Labor, and I jumped at the opportunity. While the number of single mothers in the U.S. began increasing steadily in the 1970s, it has declined in the last decade according to The Center for American Progress (CAP). In August, Isabela Salas-Betsch published a report for CAP on the economic status of single moms. In it, she discussed the many socioeconomic challenges they face, namely being both the sole breadwinner and caregiver in a society that does little to support working parents.

CAP outlines six policy issues that would help single moms: 

• Expand the Child Tax Credit

• Reform Temporary Assistance for Needy Families

• Raise the minimum wage

• Advance policies to promote equal pay

• Pass universal paid family and medical leave

• Build affordable and accessible childcare

I would probably include universal health care on this list (some dreams never die). And I would also state the obvious: These policies would help ALL families.

One thing Anna discusses below is that when she decided to become a single mom, she focused on building a strong financial base, so she felt secure in taking the leap. She’s one of the more tenacious women I know, so I’m not at all surprised that she’s thriving as a single parent with an amazing daughter. Still, I really do believe that our whole society would be better off if we had more social safety nets in place, like the policies mentioned above, that support everyone, including single moms. 

I hadn't intended Anna’s Division of Labor to be so overtly political, but I guess it’s top of my mind this week. So before I share her story, I’ll just wrap things up by saying, GO VOTE. 

Name: Anna Davies 
Age: 39
Relationship Status: Single 
Number of children and their ages: One daughter, age 9 

Your job and how many hours your work per week: Full-time, 40 hours a week. I’m a money writer at theSkimm Money, a newsletter focused on women and finance and career. I love that so much of what I cover dovetails into what I’m thinking about in my life: How to save for retirement, how to balance financial goals, and how to figure out career-life balance. My coworkers and I are always talking about these things, and I feel the more transparency and discussion, the better. 

Type of childcare you use: 

• School: Lucy goes to a wonderful, small, parochial school in the neighborhood. This was a pandemic decision—in kindergarten, the public school was completely remote, and I needed in-person school so I could work. We love the community, and I wouldn’t want to move her at this point.

• Aftercare: The school offers a program every day from 3 to 6 p.m. It’s another expense, but she gets her homework done there and loves her friends, and it gives me more time in the afternoon to go to work.

• After-school activities: Lucy is one of those kids who loves to be on the go, so she does a lot. She has dance class four days a week after aftercare and once on Sundays, and she does an improv class on Fridays. Wednesdays are her only “free” night, but the Thursday and Sunday dance practice will end in late November, after the Irish dance regional championships.

• Babysitter: We had an amazing babysitter who lived in our building, but she recently got a full-time job and isn’t as available as she used to be. As Lucy’s gotten older, it’s really important that she likes the sitter and sees the sitter as a friend. Rather than relying on sitters these days, I tend to depend more on friends to watch Lucy on the occasional weekend night, and then I’ll return the favor later. 

How do you split up household responsibilities: I’m a solo parent, and I have been since day one. I actually took the subway to the hospital while in labor, and I was on my own, post-C section, in my apartment with my daughter three days later. I’m very independent—I call my parenting “cheetah parenting,” because mama cheetahs are also on their own.

I do want to push back against the myth that you “need” someone else. Because truly, you don’t, which can be empowering to women who are considering pursuing solo motherhood.

That said, I have a few major advantages: I work full-time, but my team understands the importance of flexibility, and we’re always in close contact. We have a hybrid policy, and I’m in the office two days a week. While I don’t have family close by, we have a good community of friends and neighbors, and I’ve realized that regardless of whether people are solo or partnered, everyone needs help sometimes to cover childcare cracks. I have a core group of friends with a lot of good give-and-take regarding carpools and days off. 

What labor do you outsource? We get FreshDirect for groceries. We have a biweekly housekeeper, and Lucy used to have a tutor as a work benefit, which I need to circle back on. 

How did you decide who does what: Solo parenting had always been in the back of my mind, even in my 20s. As such, I really spent a lot of time in my 20s building the financial foundation I would need to keep my life as a mom as flexible as possible. I got unexpectedly pregnant in my 30s, and I am really glad I built that foundation. I’ve talked with a lot of women who are considering being solo moms, and my advice is this: You can figure it out and make it work. It’s not necessarily “easy,” but I love that it’s becoming a more common path. 

Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family: I do not have time to feel guilty! When my daughter was younger, I was traveling four to six times a year for work, and I found and invested in a good overnight babysitter. Those trips were wildly expensive, but they were an overall investment in my career and “worth it.” 

The time during after-school activities can also be a great opportunity for multitasking, and even fitting in quick dinners or drinks with friends. My daughter is a serious Irish dancer and has several dance classes a week, from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m. I tend to fit in either socializing or grocery shopping during that time. My friend Lori and I have a standing Monday night hangout while both our kids are at dance class together. 

Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor: I’ve built my entire life around being a solo parent, and I love it. It works well for me now, but I’ve definitely learned by trial and error. I’ve found that what isn’t “fair” has been people taking advantage of my flexible schedule. For example, during the pandemic, I got laid off. I couldn’t look for a job, since I had my daughter with me all the time, so I cobbled together freelance gigs, lived off my savings, and hoped for the best. I had one “friend” at the time who would drop her daughter off with me for hours on end every day. Meanwhile, she and her husband were both employed. I would have felt funny asking for payment, but looking back, she completely took advantage of my situation. I am very cautious about that now. I love the give-and-take I have with my current group of friends.

Lucy and I are definitely a team, and she helps take on some of the work of making the house run. She’ll take care of our pets—we have three guinea pigs and two turtles—and will also do a load of laundry and put away her clothes. 

Anything else you’d like to share? I think that it’s really important as a solo parent to be strategic about where you pursue work.

In my job at theSkimm, we often write about what it means to be a woman navigating career, parenthood, and life, and I love that the company walks the walk. They launched a Show Us Your Leave program (check it out) encouraging leave transparency, and the managers really understand how it’s important to balance deadlines with family time.

This is tiny and may just be a “me” thing, but I’d love it if partnered parents stopped using the phrase “single parenting” or “solo parenting.” The phrase I prefer is, “I was taking care of my child/ren because my partner was out of town.” Because even if you are on your own for the weekend, you still have someone to share the mental load—and the bills! It’s a tiny pet peeve, but it just grates on me.

The day I’m writing about is a Friday right before my birthday. I chose it because it was a hectic week at work launching a newsletter redesign. (I know I’m biased, but I think it’s awesome, and I am encouraging everyone to sign up.) It was a work-from-home day, and I think it highlights the complexities of balancing work, socializing, volunteer time, and making everything work.

6:00 a.m.

Wake up. Every Friday I do a 30-minute Peloton ride with my friend Lori, who’s also a solo parent. That accountability is amazing. 

6:30 a.m.

Check outside to see if FreshDirect arrived. I didn’t have time to stock up on food this week because I usually go to the grocery store on Tuesday nights, but this Tuesday I went to happy hour with friends. Worth it, but there is seriously no food in the house. Luckily, it’s here, so my daughter can have cereal instead of a $4 emergency croissant from the local cafe.

7:00 a.m.

Wake my daughter up, make lunch while she eats breakfast, get ready. I have a few meetings prior to work, so I also check Slack and tee everything up in case I log on a little after nine.

7:30 a.m.

Head out the door at 7:45 a.m. My daughter walks to school with our neighbor, which is nice. I go downstairs so they can meet each other, but I don’t have to be “ready.” Today, though, I’m meeting with another board member of the PSA (parent-school alliance) to go over comms strategy.

8:00 a.m.

PSA comms meeting. It’s super quick—she has 15 minutes before another appointment, but we pull out a spreadsheet and divvy up duties.

8:30 a.m.

On my way to another coffee. This is with a mom friend I met when our daughters were infants. She recently left her job and is starting a consulting business. I was a freelancer for years, so happy to offer some expertise.

9:30 a.m.

Log onto work. We’re in the middle of a relaunch of our newsletter while also working through the final issues of our previous format, so there’s a lot of little back-and-forths and to-dos to work on with my team. 

11:00 a.m.

I’m waiting for some feedback from my editorial director, so I ping the team and let them know I’m stepping out now to run some errands. It’s my birthday this weekend, and I’m picking up a cake from the local bakery. This is another solo parent piece of advice: Do what makes you happy. I love chocolate cake, so that’s what we’re getting.

During the walk, I field some texts. I’m on a few very active WhatsApp threads. (We have 400 people in the one for our building, which is always hopping!) I also talk with my friends L and P, confirming carpool duty for Sunday’s dance practice. This fall, our daughters have dance practice 90 minutes away because our Irish dance studio combined with another studio for an upcoming competition. This week, they’re driving, so I have all of Sunday afternoon off. I’ve been meaning to book a massage with a gift card, so I also check out availability. 

12:00 p.m.

Work, eat a FreshDirect-ready-made salad, finalize plans for tonight. My neighbors invited us over for dinner, and I’m bringing the cake. 

2:00 p.m.

Get on a work call to finalize our lineup and clarify the flow of our top story. I really like the balance of hybrid work. I appreciate going into the office for team collaboration, but I also feel like our team is really adept at quick video calls to get things done. Right now, we’re trying to troubleshoot a new feature in the newsletter and pulling in some of the product team to help.

4:00 p.m.

Let the team know I’ll be offline for a bit. I need to pick up Lucy and her friends from school and bring them to improv class. 

4:30 p.m.

Sitting on the steps at improv class, on my laptop, fielding Slacks, sorting email, and waiting to take the girls from improv to their acrobatic dance class. The other two moms offered to help, but I actually love sitting on the steps in sunny weather, and I have a good convo with one of the moms who runs the improv program. The Northern Lights were on display in the Northeast the other night, and she packed up her 13-year-old daughter and drove eight hours to Canada to see them. That is momming HARD. I loved her spontaneity and sense of adventure, and it was delightful hearing about it. 

5:00 p.m.

The kids are out of improv, and we walk to their next class, about a mile away.

5:30 p.m.

After dropping the girls at dance, I head to one of the mom’s houses to hang out and chat while the kids are at dance. Such a great way to wind down. 

6:30 p.m.

Pick up my daughter and head home to go to our neighbor’s house for dinner. It’s a quasi birthday party for me, but we had also been planning this forever. It’s a great crew of 10 people, and the ages range from 9 (my daughter) to 80, plus four puppies. A lot of fun, a lot of laughs, and a really great way to end the week. 

10:00 p.m.

The party is still raging, but we’ve got to leave. My daughter has an Irish dance competition tomorrow (a feis), and she has to be onstage by 8:30 a.m. It’s an hour away, and with pre-competition prep, we’re looking at a 5:30 a.m. wakeup.

10:30 p.m.

Lights out. 

Want to share your own Division of Labor? Fill out this form.

And please remember to comment with kindness!

---

Random Extras

• My friend

  Fran Hauser
  has brought her newsletter to Substack, and I could not be more excited! Be sure to sign up for
  From the Desk of Fran Hauser
  ! Also, don’t miss Fran’s great interview on my other friend Cheria Young’s new podcast, Grow There with Cheria! Truly, these women are the very best!

• You don’t need to wait until the new year to get your finances together. But if getting on track feels overwhelming (and we get it!), consider working with a Fruitful Financial Guide. For $98 a month, you can get one-on-one CFP® support.¹ #partner

• Don’t forget paid subscribers are automatically entered to win our monthly giveaway. This month’s prize is a copy of Bobbi Rebell’s book Launching Financial Grownups, plus an Owala water bottle². Paid subscribers also get an extra edition of Home Economics every month, and last weekend’s featuring a Brooklyn couple living in a $3.2 million brownstone was particularly juicy.

1. © Fruitful 2024 — All rights reserved. “Fruitful” refers to Fruitful, Inc. and its wholly-owned, affiliated, and separately managed subsidiaries, Fruitful Financial, LLC and Fruitful Advisory, LLC, an SEC-registered investment adviser. To learn more about Fruitful Advisory, LLC please view its Form ADV Part 2 and Form CRS available at www.adviserinfo.sec.gov. Registration with the SEC does not imply any level of skill or training. All investing involves risk, including the risk of losing the money you invest. Only members of Fruitful, Inc. have access to products and services across the Fruitful affiliates and subsidiaries.

2. The sweepstakes is limited to readers within the U.S. It closes at 11:59 p.m. ET on October 31, 2024. To enter without upgrading to a paid subscription, please reply to this email by 11:59 p.m. ET on October 31, 2024, that you would like to be entered in the sweepstakes. If there’s any further questions, simply respond to this email and I will do my best to answer them.