You're doing such a great job, Anna! I was a single mom when my daughter was born, until she was about 4. I remember that time with great joy. It was hard, but I had a clarity of purpose that I see reflected here in your story. My daughter is now 28 but our bond is deep and abiding. I attribute that to those early years when she and I built our world together. What a gift to Lucy, to have a mama like you.
Thanks so much! I love hearing that your bond is so strong. Even now that Lucy is 9 and doesn't 'need' me as much, I'm so glad we had that intensity when she was tiny!
I was so struck by what a great community Anna has around her now! How awesome for her and her daughter that they are so engaged with their neighbors and friends.
Loved the inclusion of the daughter in the division of labor section!
Also- wow did that former friend take advantage. It would be bad enough to use your friend for childcare any time, but when your friend has been laid off? and has a kid to support?
Thanks for reading! And yes, pandemic times made everyone do funny things. The thing was, at the time, I thought I was helping them out, not realizing that I actually needed some help too. I think I've also gotten a lot better at knowing my boundaries and knowing when to nope on out of asks and not feel obligated or guilty!
I appreciate your self-awareness. Growth takes time! And you probably learned more from this incident than from a terrific thing that happened to you. Unfortunately, we can't learn where our boundaries are until they've been trampled all over.
"Also- wow did that former friend take advantage. It would be bad enough to use your friend for childcare any time, but when your friend has been laid off? and has a kid to support?"
Anna, you are amazing! And I really appreciate you for kindly calling partnered-parents in to adjust the way we speak about taking care of our children when our partners aren't available. I am totally guilty of calling this "solo parenting" but I can see now how insensitive that is to true solo parents. Thank you for being you! You're an amazing parent, writer, and person!
Thank you so much for this! As a fellow solo mama (son just turned 11), I related to so much of what Anna shared - "cheetah parenting" indeed!
Some of the many things that resonated - the idea of leaning into community, trading off with friends, outsourcing where you can (granted this is a privilege), multitasking and fitting in social life/dating into small pockets, taking care of your own needs and teaching responsibility/autonomy to your kids (this is a big one for me - I always tell my son that "I only have two hands").
I'm also irked by partnered folks saying they're "solo parenting" when alone for extended stretches with the kid(s) - and glad I'm not the only one! For me, I think my beef with the term comes in feeling that so much of the load of a solo parent feels unseen, because we've got to do all the work of a two-parent household with again just one pair of hands. Perhaps we need to reconsider our language/framing overall - the very concept of a 'division of labor' suggests that there's someone else to divide it with, right? I think it's more about the labor overall and the many issues around that - including of course the huge one of division when there's another person in the mix.
Rama, YOU are doing incredible — from one cheetah to another! Yes, the physical labor is just the tip of the iceberg, the mental load, including not being able to talk with someone else or run something by someone else who has the same stake you do, is huge. For sure, I could talk about a parenting issue with my friends or family, but sometimes the idea that no one else is as invested in my daughter as I am can be a lot! Thanks for reading!
LOVED this one. It's been ages since I checked out theSkimm, so this was a good reminder!
Also, I'm so with you about the "solo/single parenting" thing when it just means your SO is out of town. I'm not a parent, but it irks me that it minimizes how others who are actually solo/single parents deal with it all.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Anna and Lindsey! I'm near tears, because I see so much of my mom's and my relationship in you and your daughter's, Anna. My brother and I were raised by a full time working single mother, both in parochial school through 12th grade, and our mom was also greatly involved in our school, for a time was even president of the PTA (or something similar to it). Women are amazing. Children of single mothers are amazing. And having the support of your community/"village" is just so necessary for ALL people to thrive (even child-free-by-choice ones like myself). Thanks again for sharing Anna❤️
Delaney! I love this, and love that your mom did it all, including PTA :) Your mom sounds awesome and love hearing from kids of solo parents. My daughter feels strongly that when she grows up, she wants to be partnered, which I totally get and support, and I love knowing that kids of solo parents can look back on their childhoods fondly, not necessarily feel they were lacking anything, AND want something different
Really love the bit about challenging the idea and language of solo parenting. When it’s me and the little one I call it “point parenting.” Like the point guard in basketball running the show.
As a fellow solo parent, I related to this so hard. It irks me to no end to hear partnered parents speak of "solo parenting." I've asked myself why this is and have come to the conclusion that (for me anyway) it's the feeling of so much of what one does as a solo parent feeling unseen - we're held to the same (impossible) standard and even a higher one, in many cases (especially as a woman). Language does matter though - I don't think we should assume that there's a "division of labor" at all (though yes, part of the survival strategy for me has been about encouraging responsibility and autonomy in my son - so there's that division but not with another adult). I love "point parenting" as a phrase though - spread that one please!
Loved reading this one! Her daughter has an amazing momma to look up to! I hope and pray their friendship/mommy-daughter relationship continues to grow deeper. Love the sense of community Anna has around her with neighbors and friends - so much of big city living is made by that kind of circle of people. I had never thought about the weight of the term "solo parenting" when you're a single parent - thanks for highlighting it Anna.
I just wanted to leave a comment commending you on planning your 10/30 event in a way that works for parents, and specifically (let's be real) moms. I do not live in New York so will not be attending said event, but it actually warmed my heart that you mentioned it ends by 7:30 so people can get home in time for bedtime! How nice to have a professional event planned in such a manner that does not exclude moms and in fact, actively considers them in the planning efforts. It's a rare enough occurrence that that stopped me in my tracks when I read it. May more events in the future be planned by mothers and accommodate the same. Applause!!
I loved this Lindsey. As someone who is not a parent, I have often seen married women online use the phrase "solo parenting" and wondered where it came from. My mom was with my 3 siblings and I alone all of the time as a SAHM, and I never once heard her use that phrase. With 4 kids, there actually weren't a ton of times when my parents were looking after us together now that I think about it. It was just her being a parent!
As such, I also wondered how actual solo parents feel when they see it used, so reading this piece (and these comments) confirmed my suspicions that it could be quite upsetting. The point that you have mental, emotional and financial support 100% of the time even if your partner is away is really important! Hopefully good education for this community and beyond <3
You're doing such a great job, Anna! I was a single mom when my daughter was born, until she was about 4. I remember that time with great joy. It was hard, but I had a clarity of purpose that I see reflected here in your story. My daughter is now 28 but our bond is deep and abiding. I attribute that to those early years when she and I built our world together. What a gift to Lucy, to have a mama like you.
Thanks so much! I love hearing that your bond is so strong. Even now that Lucy is 9 and doesn't 'need' me as much, I'm so glad we had that intensity when she was tiny!
I was so struck by what a great community Anna has around her now! How awesome for her and her daughter that they are so engaged with their neighbors and friends.
Loved the inclusion of the daughter in the division of labor section!
Also- wow did that former friend take advantage. It would be bad enough to use your friend for childcare any time, but when your friend has been laid off? and has a kid to support?
Thanks for reading! And yes, pandemic times made everyone do funny things. The thing was, at the time, I thought I was helping them out, not realizing that I actually needed some help too. I think I've also gotten a lot better at knowing my boundaries and knowing when to nope on out of asks and not feel obligated or guilty!
I appreciate your self-awareness. Growth takes time! And you probably learned more from this incident than from a terrific thing that happened to you. Unfortunately, we can't learn where our boundaries are until they've been trampled all over.
"Also- wow did that former friend take advantage. It would be bad enough to use your friend for childcare any time, but when your friend has been laid off? and has a kid to support?"
RIGHT?! OMG.
When I was editing this, I left a comment for Anna because I found this so shocking! The nerve of that woman!
Anna, you are amazing! And I really appreciate you for kindly calling partnered-parents in to adjust the way we speak about taking care of our children when our partners aren't available. I am totally guilty of calling this "solo parenting" but I can see now how insensitive that is to true solo parents. Thank you for being you! You're an amazing parent, writer, and person!
Thanks Anna M! It might just be a me thing, but so appreciate the tweak :)
Thank you so much for this! As a fellow solo mama (son just turned 11), I related to so much of what Anna shared - "cheetah parenting" indeed!
Some of the many things that resonated - the idea of leaning into community, trading off with friends, outsourcing where you can (granted this is a privilege), multitasking and fitting in social life/dating into small pockets, taking care of your own needs and teaching responsibility/autonomy to your kids (this is a big one for me - I always tell my son that "I only have two hands").
I'm also irked by partnered folks saying they're "solo parenting" when alone for extended stretches with the kid(s) - and glad I'm not the only one! For me, I think my beef with the term comes in feeling that so much of the load of a solo parent feels unseen, because we've got to do all the work of a two-parent household with again just one pair of hands. Perhaps we need to reconsider our language/framing overall - the very concept of a 'division of labor' suggests that there's someone else to divide it with, right? I think it's more about the labor overall and the many issues around that - including of course the huge one of division when there's another person in the mix.
Rama, YOU are doing incredible — from one cheetah to another! Yes, the physical labor is just the tip of the iceberg, the mental load, including not being able to talk with someone else or run something by someone else who has the same stake you do, is huge. For sure, I could talk about a parenting issue with my friends or family, but sometimes the idea that no one else is as invested in my daughter as I am can be a lot! Thanks for reading!
LOVED this one. It's been ages since I checked out theSkimm, so this was a good reminder!
Also, I'm so with you about the "solo/single parenting" thing when it just means your SO is out of town. I'm not a parent, but it irks me that it minimizes how others who are actually solo/single parents deal with it all.
Thanks! And yes, we just relaunched Skimm Money, and I'm biased but very proud of what we are doing!
The community Anna has built for her family is making me cry with joy for her. 😭
Thanks! It's a great community but VERY consciously built after a few false starts!
Thank you so much for sharing this, Anna and Lindsey! I'm near tears, because I see so much of my mom's and my relationship in you and your daughter's, Anna. My brother and I were raised by a full time working single mother, both in parochial school through 12th grade, and our mom was also greatly involved in our school, for a time was even president of the PTA (or something similar to it). Women are amazing. Children of single mothers are amazing. And having the support of your community/"village" is just so necessary for ALL people to thrive (even child-free-by-choice ones like myself). Thanks again for sharing Anna❤️
Delaney! I love this, and love that your mom did it all, including PTA :) Your mom sounds awesome and love hearing from kids of solo parents. My daughter feels strongly that when she grows up, she wants to be partnered, which I totally get and support, and I love knowing that kids of solo parents can look back on their childhoods fondly, not necessarily feel they were lacking anything, AND want something different
Really love the bit about challenging the idea and language of solo parenting. When it’s me and the little one I call it “point parenting.” Like the point guard in basketball running the show.
Love this, Marc! Great way to reframe it!
Haha zone defense !!!
As a fellow solo parent, I related to this so hard. It irks me to no end to hear partnered parents speak of "solo parenting." I've asked myself why this is and have come to the conclusion that (for me anyway) it's the feeling of so much of what one does as a solo parent feeling unseen - we're held to the same (impossible) standard and even a higher one, in many cases (especially as a woman). Language does matter though - I don't think we should assume that there's a "division of labor" at all (though yes, part of the survival strategy for me has been about encouraging responsibility and autonomy in my son - so there's that division but not with another adult). I love "point parenting" as a phrase though - spread that one please!
That's funny! I think I'll use a sports metaphor to replace "solo" from on.
Two adults, two kids = man defense
One adult, two kids = zone defense
Love this lol!!
Loved reading this one! Her daughter has an amazing momma to look up to! I hope and pray their friendship/mommy-daughter relationship continues to grow deeper. Love the sense of community Anna has around her with neighbors and friends - so much of big city living is made by that kind of circle of people. I had never thought about the weight of the term "solo parenting" when you're a single parent - thanks for highlighting it Anna.
Thanks so much for reading and YES, city living can be amazing in that way!
I just wanted to leave a comment commending you on planning your 10/30 event in a way that works for parents, and specifically (let's be real) moms. I do not live in New York so will not be attending said event, but it actually warmed my heart that you mentioned it ends by 7:30 so people can get home in time for bedtime! How nice to have a professional event planned in such a manner that does not exclude moms and in fact, actively considers them in the planning efforts. It's a rare enough occurrence that that stopped me in my tracks when I read it. May more events in the future be planned by mothers and accommodate the same. Applause!!
I loved this Lindsey. As someone who is not a parent, I have often seen married women online use the phrase "solo parenting" and wondered where it came from. My mom was with my 3 siblings and I alone all of the time as a SAHM, and I never once heard her use that phrase. With 4 kids, there actually weren't a ton of times when my parents were looking after us together now that I think about it. It was just her being a parent!
As such, I also wondered how actual solo parents feel when they see it used, so reading this piece (and these comments) confirmed my suspicions that it could be quite upsetting. The point that you have mental, emotional and financial support 100% of the time even if your partner is away is really important! Hopefully good education for this community and beyond <3
This was the best! Anna, you are such an inspiration! 🌟
Oh my gosh, thank you! And thanks for reading!