Division of Labor No. 6: Two parents working in ed-tech raising a one-year-old in Birmingham, Ala.
Marc Typo of "Raising Myles" and his wife, Maya, give us a peek into their very busy, sleep-deprived lives.
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Hello! It’s the last day of school for a lot of New York City kids, including my own. I wish I could say we are celebrating in style tonight, but I have class. And then I’m going to put my head down to study for a midterm. Who thought going back to school as an adult was a good idea?! Needless to say, if I owe you an email, I promise I’ll get back to you soon!
I’m so thrilled about today’s Division of Labor. Marc Typo writes Raising Myles, a collection of letters to his son. I first learned about Marc when Caroline Cala Donofrio interviewed him for her Five Big Questions series. I read one of his letters and immediately signed up for a subscription and sent it to Ken, because I thought he would appreciate the project. Marc’s writing is so beautiful, and even though we come from very different backgrounds, I relate to so many of the sentiments he expresses in his letters.
With the Division of Labor series, I’d love for more fathers to take the lead in the storytelling. If I’m being frank (and when am I not, LOL), it’s often the dads who are reluctant to participate. They sometimes give the excuse that they’re worried what their employers will think, but a piece of me wonders if it’s also because they’re nervous about seeing their contributions to the family household laid out for everyone to read.
But when I reached out to Marc to see if he would want to participate, he didn’t hesitate. And I really appreciate his honest answers to the questions below. As Rebecca Gale shared after writing her own Division of Labor, the experience raises a lot of questions and makes you think about how your household runs. I think most families would admit that there’s always room for improvement, and that’s not a bad thing. What I love about this series is that it gives you a peek at the perfectly imperfect lives we lead and often shows how we strive to do better.
But enough chattering from me. I’ll let Marc and Maya take it from here!
Name: Marc
Age: 32
Spouse’s Name: Maya
Spouse’s Age: 33
Number of children and their ages: One-year-old boy named Myles—yes, we are a family of M’s!
Your job and how many hours you work per week: I work for an educational-technology company. I’m hybrid, and I have to visit schools two to three days a week. I work with teachers, district leaders, and principals to support them with my company’s program in schools. When I am not working in person with schools, I am behind the computer supporting them virtually, participating in internal meetings, doing reach-outs, and getting trained on another product.
Your spouse’s job and how many hours they work per week: My wife, Maya, also works full-time for an educational-technology company as a customer success manager, and she is fully remote.
Type of childcare you use: When people ask these questions, I laugh and say “Us-Care.” We make this work by sharing our work calendars with each other. Our jobs, for the most part, are flexible, allowing us to center work around our lives instead of our lives around work. We have no choice. At times, this is incredibly difficult because our work calendars have to be synced, color-coded, and updated. Before either of us takes a meeting, we make sure the other has the time open to watch Myles. Once we schedule a meeting, we invite each other on a separate calendar to double-check that the other is aware of the upcoming meeting.
How do you split up household responsibilities: This is an ongoing conversation for us. About a month ago, we had a really good sit-down regarding the load of household responsibilities. Maya shared that she felt she was shouldering the brunt of it. She expressed that she wished I used more foresight in planning for our needs, and she felt overwhelmed since she always has to plan for all of us. I apologized and thanked her for letting me know how she was feeling. I committed to doing better in thinking ahead, not just in the moment. Her best piece of advice was to at least think about what needs to be done tomorrow, for the week, and for the month. I feel silly writing this because it should be common sense, but having an explicit conversation around wants and needs really helped me. I started checking in with her more often to check in about this.
In full transparency, this conversation stemmed from being asked to do this Division of Labor piece a month ago. It was a really interesting exercise that forced me to see how I can show up better for my family, especially for Maya. I acknowledge that there is a certain privilege that comes with being the man in the relationship, which sometimes makes it difficult to see myself clearly and ultimately blinds me to how much my wife does. This is something I am constantly unlearning because I do not want to be an elephant on her back; she already has a baby in her arms.
How did you decide who does what: I am not sure this is a detailed thing we ironed out. But there are certain things that have to be done especially since Myles’s survival depends on it. Depending on who’s running “point” for the day, because the other has work, we do our best to make sure the night before to discuss schedules and plans.
Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family: I don’t know if this is really a hack, but Maya and I have had many conversations about finances, parenting, and household responsibilities. We call them family meetings, and they usually happen over Sunday breakfast. It’s a low-stakes setting that allows us to plan for the week and share what’s been coming up for us. Having this time set aside helps us, especially in the heat of the moment when the baby is being demanding and we are exhausted. Sunday morning is the time we get to pour into one another, check in, and set the tone for the week.
Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor: I wish I could say yes. Maya is pumping milk three times a day and working full-time, and Myles is at a phase where he has been super preferential. I know it’s not a competition, but nothing feels fair when one person in the relationship has to wake up at 5:30 a.m. every morning to pump, has an 8 a.m. meeting, and then ends up having prepare for that meeting late at night after the baby finally falls asleep because all he wanted was her and not me. I want to say I am doing my part, but there are times I forget to change the diaper pail, clean bottle parts, or do something else I said I would, and then it falls on her. In these moments, things don’t feel fair because she is already doing so much.
Myles and Maya shared a Tuesday in May.
5:30 a.m.
Maya: My alarm went off reminding me to get up and pump milk, but I hit snooze because I’m exhausted from going to bed at 1 a.m.
6:00 a.m.
Maya: Myles keeps kicking me, so I finally get up at 6:15 a.m. and head to the living room to pump milk. Usually I play the New York Times games to keep me awake.
7:00 a.m.
Maya: I crawl back in bed with Myles and Marc, and I give Myles his bottle. He does not go back to sleep like he typically does. After 15 minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get him to go back down, Marc takes him out of the room so I can rest longer. I’m so grateful for these moments because I know Marc is also exhausted, but I take the support where I can.
Marc: After his bottle, Myles does not go back to sleep. Depending on the night before, he may sleep until 9 a.m., but since he went to sleep around 10 p.m., he’s ready to play. He thinks Maya is playing a game with him since her back is turned to him, and he keeps trying to climb over her. Exhausted myself, I finally take him to his room so Maya can get more sleep.
7:30 a.m.
Marc: I change Myles’s diaper and put him down while I lay on the floor of his room. He plays by himself for a little while. I try not to doze off. He’s really into balls now, so we toss the ball back and forth, read books, and play with the other toys in his room.
8:00 a.m.
Marc: I’m starting to get hungry, so I take Myles with me to the bathroom. I set him down in his chair, brush my teeth, wash my face, and then it’s his turn. He’s not big on brushing his teeth, so usually it’s a fight, but today he’s not fussing about it. I love these small wins. I know Maya has an appointment at 10 a.m., so I try to start breakfast a little closer to 9 a.m. so it’s not too cold. We usually try to eat breakfast together if our schedules permit.
8:30 a.m.
Marc: We play in the living room while I check my work phone to see if anything urgent has come up for the week, and I also check my blog to respond to any comments. I take Myles to the kitchen and put him back in his chair, this time with a bunch of his toys. Instead of playing with them, he just throws them around, and I desperately try to avoid slipping on them while making one of our usual breakfasts—eggs and oatmeal or eggs and bagels. Today, it’s eggs and oatmeal. Myles is getting impatient, so I lift him up and show him what I am doing. He’s heavy, so I put him down and take my chances.
9:00 a.m.
Marc: Myles and I sit down and eat breakfast, and all is well as long as Myles is eating. I litter his high chair table with pieces of eggs, and he’s pretty self-sufficient with that in between bites of oatmeal. I check my phone again, and I realize that emails from work look urgent, and I’m a little worried about when I will get to them, especially since Maya will be leaving. But this is nothing new; since we’ve been parents, I am always worried about when things will get done.
Maya: I finally got out of bed in a frenzy because I had a 10 a.m. appointment with my optometrist, but I haven’t showered or found clothes.
9:30 a.m.
Marc: Once breakfast is done, I give Myles his water and try to clean up the kitchen, and then we make our way back to the living room. Maya is about to leave, and I tell her I made breakfast. She must have scarfed down her food because she enters the kitchen and comes back out in less than five minutes. When I check the stove, I see she’s only eaten the eggs. I forgot to leave the oats on low so they didn’t harden. “Breakfast for me tomorrow,” I think.
Maya: When I finish getting dressed and find my phone and keys, it’s almost 9:40 a.m., and the appointment is 25 minutes away. I quickly say goodbye and skip out on breakfast.
10:00 a.m.
Marc: A customer calls with a concern. He hears Myles in the background and says it’s fine. I support him with what he needs help with while Myles tries to wrestle the phone from me. After the call ends, I try to answer a couple of emails while Myles watches Ms. Rachel. Screens were something we said we would never use, but when we need to get work done, we gladly turn them on for a little while.
Maya: I make it to the optometrist at 10:05 a.m. I am a little frustrated because I hate being late, but once I get inside there are only two people waiting, and it really isn’t a big deal. Which is typically what happens—I fret over being a few minutes late as a new mom and honestly no one even notices.
11:00 a.m.
Marc: I change Myles’s diaper, and it’s one of those poops that requires an outfit change. As soon as I put on his pants, I see Maya is calling. She needs the numbers on the box of her contact lenses. I take a picture and send it to her, with the baby in hand. We go back to the living room to play, and I warm up a bottle.
11:30 a.m.
Marc: The client calls back again, and I support him through his issue. At this point, I am less anxious about the noise he is hearing from Myles because as long as his questions are getting answered, he finds all of this cute.
12:00 p.m.
Marc: At the end of the call, I get a message from Maya saying she’ll be home around 12:30 p.m., and she apologizes because she didn’t plan on the appointment taking so long. I say it’s fine. Myles is ready for a nap. His naps only last about 25 minutes, so I decide to make this one a contact nap as well, since I am already pretty tired.
Maya: This is the longest eye appointment ever—I’m finally done at 12 p.m. I send a text to Marc with my ETA and head home. At this point, I feel like I’m starving. The appointment took so long, it ran over into one of my work calls that I have to take in the car on the way home. While on the call, a work emergency comes up that I need to resolve.
12:30 p.m.
Marc: When Maya finally gets home, I think I’m about to get a break to get work done, but it turns out she has a meeting. It’s me and the baby for another hour.
Maya: As soon as I got home, I rush to my computer to take a meeting. The meeting plus resolving the work emergency and sending follow-up emails takes about an hour and a half. I feel terrible that Marc was with Myles all morning.
1:30 p.m.
Marc: Maya’s meeting ends at 1:30 p.m., and we switch. She usually pumps at 2 p.m., but she says she can push it until 3:30 p.m. so I can get work done. During this time, I answer emails, do paperwork, and work on expenses that are overdue. By the time 3:30 p.m. rolls around, I am feeling pretty good about the work I got done, and I go to relieve Maya so she can pump.
2:00 p.m.
Maya: Once I wrap up work, I’m able to take over with Myles so Marc can go finish up his work for the day. I sneak in a snack while Myles plays.
2:30 p.m.
Maya: Around 2:45 p.m. Myles takes a nap, and I sleep with him. It’s rare that I nap while he does, but I am so spent I have to take advantage of the moment.
3:30 p.m.
Marc: I find them both cuddled on the couch in the living room asleep. We haven’t eaten anything since this morning, so I decide to go pick up food. I can tell today is one of those days when neither of us will feel like cooking, so takeout it is. I place an order at a Mediterranean restaurant that’s about five minutes away. I get two grilled chicken bakes (basically a huge loaded potato with veggies and grilled chicken).
4:00 p.m.
Marc: When I get back, Myles is sleeping and Maya sees that I have food. She manages to put him down on the couch so we can eat together. Moments like these are pretty rare these days. We eat together, and I keep checking back and forth to make sure he’s okay. Maya starts pumping and eating and opens her laptop so she can get some work done as well. We decide that this will be dinner; we will eat half now and save the rest for later. I was right—none of us feel like cooking.
4:30 p.m.
Maya: Marc comes in with food, and I manage to slip away from Myles so I can eat while he sleeps. I’m able to get a few bites in. He wakes up about 15 minutes after I put him down.
5:00 p.m.
Marc: The baby wakes up. He’s at the age where whenever he sees us eat, he wants to eat as well. I put him in his high chair. I notice that the water that was boiled for the formula is no longer warm, so we have to boil more water for his evening bottle. We give Myles some of our food, and then give him his 5 p.m. bottle.
Maya: After Myles wakes up, we let him eat at the table with us. Since he is happy and sitting still while eating, I decide to send some more emails for work and talk to Marc. This is the first time we’ve had a chance to actually talk to each other all day.
6:00 p.m.
Marc: We discuss our plan for the rest of the day. Myles’s first birthday is this weekend, and we are throwing a beach-themed party in the backyard—baby swimming pools, floaties, bubbles, the works. There’s still a lot that needs to be done. We decide that we have to pick up tables from family today, but we also need to do groceries because we are running desperately low. Since we only have one car, we decide that once we get to our family’s house, I will pack the tables and drop them off at home, then come back to pick everyone up so we can get groceries. We get ready: Maya gets Myles ready, and I pack the diaper bag.
Maya: I change Myles’s diaper and then put him down to play. We take a quick break to chat about his first birthday party. We decide to go pick up tables and chairs for the party from our family’s house about five minutes away.
6:30 p.m.
Marc: We arrive at the house. I unload the family, say hello to everyone, and start packing tables and chairs. I am gone and back in about 15 minutes.
Maya: We make it to our family’s house, and they are sitting outside on the porch because it’s a nice day. Myles and I sit outside, too, while Marc packs the car with stuff for the party. He goes to drop it off at home and then comes back for us.
7:00 p.m.
Marc: We sit out with the kids, aunties, and grandmas and enjoy each other’s company.
Maya: In the South, you can’t just come and leave, so we sit outside for another hour after Marc comes back, chatting with cousins and watching the kids play.
7:30 p.m.
Marc: I start getting antsy. We still have to get groceries.
8:00 p.m.
Marc: I text Maya, “Let’s go.”
Maya: We start preparing to leave. It’s getting late, and we still have to go grocery shopping because our fridge is literally empty, and Myles needs snacks.
8:30 p.m.
Marc: We are in and out of the grocery store in 20 minutes. We also don’t really have a choice since it closes at 9 p.m.
Maya: We make it to the grocery store. We actually hate shopping late, but it’s nice because the store is virtually empty and the outing keeps Myles awake. We try our best not to let him nap after 5:30 p.m.
9:00 p.m.
Marc: We pull into the garage and get busy. I unload groceries, wash and dry pump parts, and get Myles’s last bottle ready.
Maya: We got home around 9:15 p.m. I give Myles a bath and get him ready for bed.
9:30 p.m.
Marc: Maya is with Myles putting him to sleep, and I sit on the couch and scroll through apps.
Maya: I give Myles a bottle while Marc washes pump parts and bottles from the day.
10:00 p.m.
Marc: Maya emerges from the bedroom Myles-less. Freedom! These last two to three hours we get at night are usually when we get our work done, watch TV, or just sit and enjoy the silence.
Maya: Myles is finally asleep after I rock him a bit in the glider. I set up the baby monitor and go back out into the living room with Marc.
10:30 p.m.
Marc: I take a shower, and I see Maya working on goodie bags for the party. When I get out, she starts pointing frantically while looking at the baby monitor to let me know the baby is up. I run to the bedroom and lay next to him and prepare myself mentally for this to happen a couple more times. I put his pacifier in his mouth, and I’m able to leave his side in about 10 minutes and join Maya on the couch.
Maya: Nights are always different after Myles goes to bed. Tonight, I have to get things prepared for Myles’s first birthday party before I pump milk. We may try to squeeze in a Netflix show—lately, we’ve been watching Your Honor and staying up way too late, but it’s the only time we have to connect with just the two of us.
11:00 p.m.
Marc: I do some writing for my site while watching TV.
Maya: I pump milk while we watch TV.
12:00 a.m.
Maya: By midnight, we are all in bed, praying Myles will take his morning bottle and go back to sleep at 7 a.m.
Thank you so much, Marc and Maya! Congrats on making it through year one. We all hope Myles goes back to sleep tomorrow morning!
Readers, I highly recommend you become a paying subscriber to Raising Myles. (I am!) Marc also curates The Cookout Library, an amazing resource for Black writers on Substack. Discovery on the Substack can be hard, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like my Notes feed could be more diverse. I so appreciate the work Marc is doing!
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Just a reminder that paid subscribers are automatically entered in a giveaway. This month, they get a chance to win a copy of Matt Schulz’s new book, Ask Questions, Save Money, Make More, along with the Revitalash Cosmetics Double-Ended Volume set (which includes primer and mascara).
I’m disheartened to see comments about what they should be doing differently. Maybe I missed it but I don’t believe it says anywhere that they were asking for advice. It’s very vulnerable to share the internal experience of one’s life and especially division of labor. I suspect that Marc and Maya know what is best for them.
Wow, I loved this phrase: "...I do not want to be an elephant on her back; she already has a baby in her arms." Great parents and great writers!