I’m disheartened to see comments about what they should be doing differently. Maybe I missed it but I don’t believe it says anywhere that they were asking for advice. It’s very vulnerable to share the internal experience of one’s life and especially division of labor. I suspect that Marc and Maya know what is best for them.
Thank you, Caitlin for your kind words. I wrote about this feeling when my son was 12 weeks old. Here is the link just in case you’re interested! Would love your thoughts!
I loved this so much and thank you both for opening up and sharing this peek into your world! I think what stood out to me most is the regular and clear communication that you seem to have. Particularly around the issue of the cognitive labor (planning etc.) that moms as a rule disproportionately bear. I love the way that Maya framed this (“She expressed that she wished I used more foresight in planning for our needs, and she felt overwhelmed since she always has to plan for all of us”) and the practical advice that she offered in terms of how to approach planning ahead. So constructive! I think that a number of us could borrow this framing and advice, so thank you! And best of luck as you continue the dance - it always changes and the overwhelm of infancy and toddlerhood is really just a blip (though I know it doesn’t seem that way when you’re in the throes…)
Ramya, always appreciate your thoughtfulness. It took a WHILE to get here. I grew up in a home where communication wasn’t the norm. In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to remember we are on the same team. I’m grateful I’m in a place with someone I can really press through the hard conversations. Qualifiers go a long way.
I say this kindly, and as a fellow parent of a toddler - you need some help! This is not sustainable. Neither of you appears to be working at your best. I am glad your jobs both seem to accommodate this arrangement but I would be surprised if this continues to work out long term. There are a lot of options besides full-time daycare: could a college student (or high school, since it's summer) come for a few hours a week? Could your kiddo spend every (Thursday afternoon) at a relative's house? Are there any "mother's morning out" programs in your area that offer drop in childcare for a few hours a week? You all deserve to have time together with your kid that isn't a constant state of exhaustion and overwhelm. Good luck to you!
Hey Pop, getting help is a real privilege. Having able bodied, willing, financially stabled enough, family members to support are also a privilege- none of these I’ve benefited from.
We’ve done the college student baby sitter for a while, but they left. What you read here is one day in the life of parenting. We’ve willingly chose this for the time until we want to put him in day care so we can save for child care for the future, eat plenty, and go on vacation. Appreciate your response. Let me know if you’d like to be an honorary Uncle. As you can clearly see, we could use a hand ❤️
It's a hard season of life, that's for sure! And yes, we all make tradeoffs - we unfortunately have had to make some hard financial choices in order to afford childcare on our front. I see in another comment that you recently moved - I hope you are able to build some community. I am lucky to be that person for my niblings but it's hard to balance with being a parent myself. Good luck to you!
I came here to make the same type of recommendation. The goal to eliminate any type of child care is coming with some costs to all of you- little to no real quality time, distractions and inability to prioritize work which could lead to reduced performance/loss of clients, increased arguments etc. It’s almost impossible to sustain and although you may feel good about not relying on external childcare, there may be some significant costs.
The goal isn’t to eliminate childcare. The goal is not have to worry financially about paying for childcare. Also, this is 1/365 days of parenting that we picked. Usually there are no birthday parties, tables to pick up, eye appointments, diaper blowouts, grocery runs at night etc all in one day.
Woof those hectic days are truly intense! We know them well. I loved the inclusion of the discussion and trial and error around division of labor in this one. Before we had our daughter, my husband and I both read “all the rage: mothers, fathers, and the myth of equal partnership” and had many discussions. And still, that first year especially was so, so hard. The internal biases and habits aren’t revealed until they’re revealed - it’s nearly impossible to predict and fight them ahead of time, though that also is a skill we build over time.
My husband has taken on dinner duty since our daughter was born three years ago (previously we split it). He meal plans, adds the groceries to the Instacart order, coordinates with me on delivery time, cooks and cleans up. This works for us because our work schedules are more conducive to me doing evening duty with our daughter + she went through a two year period where she would just scream if I tried to make dinner. And still, my husband told anyone who would listen how much he was “helping” for the first six months we had this setup. He was so hyperaware that I was never cooking dinner, and I genuinely offered many many times to rework the division of labor in this area, he would refuse and say actually he LIKES doing it because it’s time to unwind in the kitchen by himself, and then he’d still constantly bring it up. Finally for a week every time he brought up dinner I would mirror it with a comment of my own about the work I was doing. No tone, no malice, just straightforward. I also told him I was going to do it! He didn’t believe me how often he was talking about it, but once I did that, he got the picture, we had a good laugh, and he stopped. Petty, but effective. And all throughout this period I was thanking him every day for dinner, clean up, and planning, so it wasn’t a cry for acknowledgement - our best guess is it was a kind of subconscious disbelief that he was fully handling such a big task. He wasn’t socialized to think he would ever be in charge of family dinner, and it’s a big task! It was like being around a teenager who has just gotten their driver’s license and is now being asked to go to the grocery store for the family - they can’t stop talking about how responsible and awesome they are, and also are kind of resentful of being asked to contribute in a larger way.
I’ll also never forget the time my husband cleaned everything in the kitchen EXCEPT my pumping supplies the first day I was back at work and started pumping. I just started sobbing when I went into the kitchen for water in the middle of the night and saw them in the sink, and realized I wouldn’t have clean parts ready for me in the morning. I started washing them and he woke up (tiny apartment) and he was like why are you doing this now?? He hadn’t processed that I had one set and would need them again in the morning. I had been sleeping when he was cleaning and he wasn’t sure if they could go in the dishwasher, or if handwashing would be “clean” enough, so he was planning to ask me in the morning. I was like “google it dude!” But to be fair, the internet says so many different things and he wanted to know what I wanted, not what the internet said. On the outside looked like he was shirking doing something for me and like he should have figured it out for himself, but not as straightforward once we dug in. I had postpartum anxiety and definitely did want it done a certain way at first.
Anyway, our convos about all of this stuff haven’t looked quite like I expected, but they’ve been great at bringing us closer. The fact that my husband engages in it with me and listens when I say an imbalance is creeping up is 95% of it for me (the other 5% is the fact that he actually does change).
As a FT wfh mom with two toddlers running around, it’s so helpful to see my situation in the spotlight. I have also chosen to forgo childcare and manage everything myself while my husband works outside the home. Is it tough, yes. Is it the right choice for our family in this season, yes. My job gets done and I get to be here for my babies - an outcome which I meticulously planned out years ahead of time. I also work in EdTech which helped make it possible. Even though I’m in the midst of the Worlds Toughest Warriors life package with 2 under 2, I wouldn’t have it any other way. For this I have prayed. All the strength and encouragement to Marc & Maya, I see you.
For this we have prayed for too! Amen. This journey we are on is hard but a blessing. I consider it a privilege to be able to be so present for him through these initial years of his life. I think if most people could they would too. It’s exhausting, and tiring but the benefits truly outweighs the drawbacks. Thank you for seeing us, family.
My oldest is also a boy named Miles <3 Maya & Marc you are doing FANTASTIC! This time that you've decided to spend with Myles is so sweet.
Thank you for sharing this honestly, and for sharing that healthy communication is key for couples. My husband and I are constantly checking in with each other, and with two kids now I think it's made us stronger and happier.
Myles is very lucky to have your relationship as an example.
Thanks for sharing and reading, Ashley. The communication is so key. Really helps through those difficult times! Is this something you two has grown to do or was it natural?
Hi Marc! I'm not sure where it started - I will say my husband is really good at it, and I've picked it up from him. We both noticed that we're less likely to speak harshly to one another or get frustrated when we do check in. Just a quick "how are you doing?" has also helped me check in with myself and have more patience with our very talkative and headstrong 3 year old! Also allows me to get extra support when needed. I know he feels the same way as we've talked about it during our yearly relationship audit!
It sounds like Marc and Maya have found a way to make it work that works for them. It might not be sustainable forever, but it doesn't have to be. Things change so fast. I think, from a division of labor standpoint, it's possible for those early days to lend themselves to a more egalitarian split because it's such an all-hands-on-deck situation. It's just about treading water, not swimming. It can get tricky once things start to feel "easier" because the impulse is to reclaim some of your old life, and I think the way men and women are socialized in the US (and elsewhere) often means that men feel more okay about asserting their need for time than women do, particularly women who are mothers. It can be hard to maintain an equal division over time when one partner feels less empowered to claim their time. That's not a criticism of men - parents SHOULD look for ways to recharge and remind themselves who they were before parenthood. But so often the real trick is making sure both parents feel allowed, encouraged, and supported in doing so. It requires that the mental load of "what needs to be done" be shared and agreed upon. It takes a lot of checking in, a lot of conversations, and shared calendar where you mark your downtime. Marc and Maya, sounds like you're laying a really solid foundation. 🤗
Hi Tara, Maya here :). I so appreciate your response. This reflects the conversations we have often in our home about the way our first year of parenting has gone (we have family meetings on Sundays). We don’t plan on doing it this way forever- we are very tired, lol. BUT, we also have goals in place for the transition from our current status until daycare which is age 2, and we actually feel immensely blessed to have this time with Myles. I think so much of what’s not here is that we’ve buried both of his maternal grandparents (my parents) and his uncle this year- a part of our core community. We moved from Africa to Alabama and I didn’t work until he was almost 4 months old. Or how he had a babysitter twice a week until he was almost 7 months old. I think what I love most about your comment is that “things change so fast”. They do! And we are just changing/adapting with them. In your words I feel seen, so thank you.
Oh, Maya, I am so sorry for the losses you both have endured in such a short time. What resilient people you are to weather all that and still show up so fully for each other and Myles. My mom is nearing the end of her journey with dementia. My husband and kids are the bedrock under my feet. I see a lot of parallels between those early parenting days and the process of seeing a parent to the end. I think people mean well when they suggest you should have more help. If we were doing this better we’d all have a village around us at these high-stress times in our lives. But you work with what you have and you learn who you can rely on. Keeping the circle small leaves less space for things to fall through the cracks. You and Marc are the best judges of what you can and can’t handle and there’s a whole lot of relationship building that happens when you work together like you are. You’ll be stronger for it in the long run. My kids are 19 and 22. From where I’m standing, twenty years down the road, you guys are doing great. Myles is a lucky boy.
I’ll second what everyone else said: this is wildly impressive. BUT you are working too hard. Burnout is real! And doesn’t show up for a few years. Prioritize getting some help if at all possible. It’s easy to give it your all with a new baby. But babyhood and young childhood lasts for years and if you don’t pace yourselves you may just hit a wall (I did. And the recovery is SLOW).
I’m still tired from back when I worked full-time with a baby and a two-year old. I made choices to breastfeed, use cloth diapers, and co-sleep that probably made it all harder but I’m glad that I did it, I wish that my husband and I had had the opportunity to work flexible schedules Like you both do but that didn’t exist ten years ago and we spent a fortune on childcare, our kids are doing great so I have no regrets with how we managed everything although I wish I had made more time to Enjoy our kids being young, it’s a really amazing time. You are doing a great job!
Brings back all the memories! Our daughter is now a teenager and those early years were extremely hard with all the adjustments, restless nights, and having to balance it all. You guys are doing great and miles ahead in recognizing all the communication that needs to happen to make your lives as easy as it can be. My only advice is whether having an in home babysitter would be helpful to the both of you - even if it’s just 4 hours a day. Care.com was our savior when our daughter was a baby as we also didn’t want to send her to daycare until she was a little older. It’s a lot for the both of you to juggle and if you can just have that extra help a 2-3 days a week, it will make all the difference!
Hello Julie! Appreciate you sharing your experience. In the beginning we had a sitter that came 2 days a weeks but then she left. We have decided to tough it out until day care because we know we won’t get this time back and we are saving monthly as if he’s already in day care so the payments won’t feel to burdensome. I love care.com!
Marc and Maya, you both are doing an incredible job, and thank you for sharing all these details about your day! Working from home with a little one is no easy feat (I remember the newborn days of having to lay my screaming child down in another room so I could finish the last 5 minutes of a work call! Some days with a toddler + preschooler still feel that way. 😂) but someone would have concerns or judgement about any situation you have (whether you sent Myles to daycare, one of you didn't work, etc.) and the way you are juggling schedules to meet everyone's needs is admirable.
I noticed in the comments as well that Maya lost her parents this year-- I'm so sorry for your loss! I've increasingly thought of my own personal experience with loss as "mothering without your mother"-- something you do competently 364 days a year, until everyone has a stomach bug/ the baby won't stop crying/ etc. and you just want to hear your own mama's voice (even if your relationship was complicated) tell you everything will be okay. Processing that grief in the context of new parenthood is hard, too. It sounds like you've had a lot to tackle this year and are doing what's best for your family. Happy first birthday to Myles!
Hey Jennifer, really appreciate your thoughtful response. This year has been really tough. No one really understands what it means to lose a parent months before your son was born, and lose the other right after his first birthday. I wish we didn’t have to be strong and resilient, but sadly with a one year old who has no idea what’s going on - we have to show up in every way for him. Keep us in love - we need it. Thanks for reading!
As a new mom who just returned to work, I feel like a struggle with staying focused at work! I’m thinking about work, personal stuff, household stuff, baby stuff. In the pockets where they were focusing on work, they seemed able to really focus and get stuff done and lessen that work mental load
It's so hard, Laura! I remember crying to my boss (who was also a mom) and wondering if I'd ever feel normal again. It gets better! And I think ultimately you get more efficient.
Laura, I felt this deeply. Maya has been at her job for a while now and me a little over a year. We’ve hit what we called mastery, so we know our jobs really well so we don’t have to prep a lot. I’m grateful for the work that I do because it allows me to be really present at home even if I al working. Would a day or three of childcare would help, of course. But we are able to save a lot and splurge a little for dinner or on weekends. Wishing you strength ❤️
I’m disheartened to see comments about what they should be doing differently. Maybe I missed it but I don’t believe it says anywhere that they were asking for advice. It’s very vulnerable to share the internal experience of one’s life and especially division of labor. I suspect that Marc and Maya know what is best for them.
Oh Kaitlyn, I showed Maya your comment and she said “she sounds like a great person.” I smiled and said “she sure is.” Thank you for just being you ❤️
Same to yall 💕💕
Wow, I loved this phrase: "...I do not want to be an elephant on her back; she already has a baby in her arms." Great parents and great writers!
Thank you, Caitlin for your kind words. I wrote about this feeling when my son was 12 weeks old. Here is the link just in case you’re interested! Would love your thoughts!
https://open.substack.com/pub/raisingmyles/p/daddy-privilege-choosing-to-be-present?r=1vqume&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I loved this. They are a true team. What a lucky kiddo with parents that partner together like this!
Agree! Myles is a very lucky kid!
MKN! Thank you. We really feel like the lucky ones ❤️
I loved this so much and thank you both for opening up and sharing this peek into your world! I think what stood out to me most is the regular and clear communication that you seem to have. Particularly around the issue of the cognitive labor (planning etc.) that moms as a rule disproportionately bear. I love the way that Maya framed this (“She expressed that she wished I used more foresight in planning for our needs, and she felt overwhelmed since she always has to plan for all of us”) and the practical advice that she offered in terms of how to approach planning ahead. So constructive! I think that a number of us could borrow this framing and advice, so thank you! And best of luck as you continue the dance - it always changes and the overwhelm of infancy and toddlerhood is really just a blip (though I know it doesn’t seem that way when you’re in the throes…)
Ramya, always appreciate your thoughtfulness. It took a WHILE to get here. I grew up in a home where communication wasn’t the norm. In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to remember we are on the same team. I’m grateful I’m in a place with someone I can really press through the hard conversations. Qualifiers go a long way.
I say this kindly, and as a fellow parent of a toddler - you need some help! This is not sustainable. Neither of you appears to be working at your best. I am glad your jobs both seem to accommodate this arrangement but I would be surprised if this continues to work out long term. There are a lot of options besides full-time daycare: could a college student (or high school, since it's summer) come for a few hours a week? Could your kiddo spend every (Thursday afternoon) at a relative's house? Are there any "mother's morning out" programs in your area that offer drop in childcare for a few hours a week? You all deserve to have time together with your kid that isn't a constant state of exhaustion and overwhelm. Good luck to you!
Hey Pop, getting help is a real privilege. Having able bodied, willing, financially stabled enough, family members to support are also a privilege- none of these I’ve benefited from.
We’ve done the college student baby sitter for a while, but they left. What you read here is one day in the life of parenting. We’ve willingly chose this for the time until we want to put him in day care so we can save for child care for the future, eat plenty, and go on vacation. Appreciate your response. Let me know if you’d like to be an honorary Uncle. As you can clearly see, we could use a hand ❤️
It's a hard season of life, that's for sure! And yes, we all make tradeoffs - we unfortunately have had to make some hard financial choices in order to afford childcare on our front. I see in another comment that you recently moved - I hope you are able to build some community. I am lucky to be that person for my niblings but it's hard to balance with being a parent myself. Good luck to you!
I came here to make the same type of recommendation. The goal to eliminate any type of child care is coming with some costs to all of you- little to no real quality time, distractions and inability to prioritize work which could lead to reduced performance/loss of clients, increased arguments etc. It’s almost impossible to sustain and although you may feel good about not relying on external childcare, there may be some significant costs.
The goal isn’t to eliminate childcare. The goal is not have to worry financially about paying for childcare. Also, this is 1/365 days of parenting that we picked. Usually there are no birthday parties, tables to pick up, eye appointments, diaper blowouts, grocery runs at night etc all in one day.
Wish we lived closer. I'd be your volunteer Auntie any day! 🤗
Woof those hectic days are truly intense! We know them well. I loved the inclusion of the discussion and trial and error around division of labor in this one. Before we had our daughter, my husband and I both read “all the rage: mothers, fathers, and the myth of equal partnership” and had many discussions. And still, that first year especially was so, so hard. The internal biases and habits aren’t revealed until they’re revealed - it’s nearly impossible to predict and fight them ahead of time, though that also is a skill we build over time.
My husband has taken on dinner duty since our daughter was born three years ago (previously we split it). He meal plans, adds the groceries to the Instacart order, coordinates with me on delivery time, cooks and cleans up. This works for us because our work schedules are more conducive to me doing evening duty with our daughter + she went through a two year period where she would just scream if I tried to make dinner. And still, my husband told anyone who would listen how much he was “helping” for the first six months we had this setup. He was so hyperaware that I was never cooking dinner, and I genuinely offered many many times to rework the division of labor in this area, he would refuse and say actually he LIKES doing it because it’s time to unwind in the kitchen by himself, and then he’d still constantly bring it up. Finally for a week every time he brought up dinner I would mirror it with a comment of my own about the work I was doing. No tone, no malice, just straightforward. I also told him I was going to do it! He didn’t believe me how often he was talking about it, but once I did that, he got the picture, we had a good laugh, and he stopped. Petty, but effective. And all throughout this period I was thanking him every day for dinner, clean up, and planning, so it wasn’t a cry for acknowledgement - our best guess is it was a kind of subconscious disbelief that he was fully handling such a big task. He wasn’t socialized to think he would ever be in charge of family dinner, and it’s a big task! It was like being around a teenager who has just gotten their driver’s license and is now being asked to go to the grocery store for the family - they can’t stop talking about how responsible and awesome they are, and also are kind of resentful of being asked to contribute in a larger way.
I’ll also never forget the time my husband cleaned everything in the kitchen EXCEPT my pumping supplies the first day I was back at work and started pumping. I just started sobbing when I went into the kitchen for water in the middle of the night and saw them in the sink, and realized I wouldn’t have clean parts ready for me in the morning. I started washing them and he woke up (tiny apartment) and he was like why are you doing this now?? He hadn’t processed that I had one set and would need them again in the morning. I had been sleeping when he was cleaning and he wasn’t sure if they could go in the dishwasher, or if handwashing would be “clean” enough, so he was planning to ask me in the morning. I was like “google it dude!” But to be fair, the internet says so many different things and he wanted to know what I wanted, not what the internet said. On the outside looked like he was shirking doing something for me and like he should have figured it out for himself, but not as straightforward once we dug in. I had postpartum anxiety and definitely did want it done a certain way at first.
Anyway, our convos about all of this stuff haven’t looked quite like I expected, but they’ve been great at bringing us closer. The fact that my husband engages in it with me and listens when I say an imbalance is creeping up is 95% of it for me (the other 5% is the fact that he actually does change).
As a FT wfh mom with two toddlers running around, it’s so helpful to see my situation in the spotlight. I have also chosen to forgo childcare and manage everything myself while my husband works outside the home. Is it tough, yes. Is it the right choice for our family in this season, yes. My job gets done and I get to be here for my babies - an outcome which I meticulously planned out years ahead of time. I also work in EdTech which helped make it possible. Even though I’m in the midst of the Worlds Toughest Warriors life package with 2 under 2, I wouldn’t have it any other way. For this I have prayed. All the strength and encouragement to Marc & Maya, I see you.
Thank you so much for sharing, Lydia! Two toddlers is no joke!
For this we have prayed for too! Amen. This journey we are on is hard but a blessing. I consider it a privilege to be able to be so present for him through these initial years of his life. I think if most people could they would too. It’s exhausting, and tiring but the benefits truly outweighs the drawbacks. Thank you for seeing us, family.
Thank you both for being so open and honest - and Lindsey for this awesome series!
Appreciate you for reading Madeline!
My oldest is also a boy named Miles <3 Maya & Marc you are doing FANTASTIC! This time that you've decided to spend with Myles is so sweet.
Thank you for sharing this honestly, and for sharing that healthy communication is key for couples. My husband and I are constantly checking in with each other, and with two kids now I think it's made us stronger and happier.
Myles is very lucky to have your relationship as an example.
Signed, a working mom married to a working dad.
Thanks for sharing and reading, Ashley. The communication is so key. Really helps through those difficult times! Is this something you two has grown to do or was it natural?
Hi Marc! I'm not sure where it started - I will say my husband is really good at it, and I've picked it up from him. We both noticed that we're less likely to speak harshly to one another or get frustrated when we do check in. Just a quick "how are you doing?" has also helped me check in with myself and have more patience with our very talkative and headstrong 3 year old! Also allows me to get extra support when needed. I know he feels the same way as we've talked about it during our yearly relationship audit!
This is fascinating! It's the kind of research I would be doing if I was still in academia! 🤣
It sounds like Marc and Maya have found a way to make it work that works for them. It might not be sustainable forever, but it doesn't have to be. Things change so fast. I think, from a division of labor standpoint, it's possible for those early days to lend themselves to a more egalitarian split because it's such an all-hands-on-deck situation. It's just about treading water, not swimming. It can get tricky once things start to feel "easier" because the impulse is to reclaim some of your old life, and I think the way men and women are socialized in the US (and elsewhere) often means that men feel more okay about asserting their need for time than women do, particularly women who are mothers. It can be hard to maintain an equal division over time when one partner feels less empowered to claim their time. That's not a criticism of men - parents SHOULD look for ways to recharge and remind themselves who they were before parenthood. But so often the real trick is making sure both parents feel allowed, encouraged, and supported in doing so. It requires that the mental load of "what needs to be done" be shared and agreed upon. It takes a lot of checking in, a lot of conversations, and shared calendar where you mark your downtime. Marc and Maya, sounds like you're laying a really solid foundation. 🤗
Hi Tara, Maya here :). I so appreciate your response. This reflects the conversations we have often in our home about the way our first year of parenting has gone (we have family meetings on Sundays). We don’t plan on doing it this way forever- we are very tired, lol. BUT, we also have goals in place for the transition from our current status until daycare which is age 2, and we actually feel immensely blessed to have this time with Myles. I think so much of what’s not here is that we’ve buried both of his maternal grandparents (my parents) and his uncle this year- a part of our core community. We moved from Africa to Alabama and I didn’t work until he was almost 4 months old. Or how he had a babysitter twice a week until he was almost 7 months old. I think what I love most about your comment is that “things change so fast”. They do! And we are just changing/adapting with them. In your words I feel seen, so thank you.
Oh, Maya, I am so sorry for the losses you both have endured in such a short time. What resilient people you are to weather all that and still show up so fully for each other and Myles. My mom is nearing the end of her journey with dementia. My husband and kids are the bedrock under my feet. I see a lot of parallels between those early parenting days and the process of seeing a parent to the end. I think people mean well when they suggest you should have more help. If we were doing this better we’d all have a village around us at these high-stress times in our lives. But you work with what you have and you learn who you can rely on. Keeping the circle small leaves less space for things to fall through the cracks. You and Marc are the best judges of what you can and can’t handle and there’s a whole lot of relationship building that happens when you work together like you are. You’ll be stronger for it in the long run. My kids are 19 and 22. From where I’m standing, twenty years down the road, you guys are doing great. Myles is a lucky boy.
I’m so sorry about your mom, Tara. Dementia is a terrible illness. (And thank you for these kind comments!)
I’ll second what everyone else said: this is wildly impressive. BUT you are working too hard. Burnout is real! And doesn’t show up for a few years. Prioritize getting some help if at all possible. It’s easy to give it your all with a new baby. But babyhood and young childhood lasts for years and if you don’t pace yourselves you may just hit a wall (I did. And the recovery is SLOW).
I’m still tired from back when I worked full-time with a baby and a two-year old. I made choices to breastfeed, use cloth diapers, and co-sleep that probably made it all harder but I’m glad that I did it, I wish that my husband and I had had the opportunity to work flexible schedules Like you both do but that didn’t exist ten years ago and we spent a fortune on childcare, our kids are doing great so I have no regrets with how we managed everything although I wish I had made more time to Enjoy our kids being young, it’s a really amazing time. You are doing a great job!
Brings back all the memories! Our daughter is now a teenager and those early years were extremely hard with all the adjustments, restless nights, and having to balance it all. You guys are doing great and miles ahead in recognizing all the communication that needs to happen to make your lives as easy as it can be. My only advice is whether having an in home babysitter would be helpful to the both of you - even if it’s just 4 hours a day. Care.com was our savior when our daughter was a baby as we also didn’t want to send her to daycare until she was a little older. It’s a lot for the both of you to juggle and if you can just have that extra help a 2-3 days a week, it will make all the difference!
Hello Julie! Appreciate you sharing your experience. In the beginning we had a sitter that came 2 days a weeks but then she left. We have decided to tough it out until day care because we know we won’t get this time back and we are saving monthly as if he’s already in day care so the payments won’t feel to burdensome. I love care.com!
We do this! We have an amazing nanny through care.com who helps out 10 hours a week (5 hrs Tuesday and 5 on Thursday). It’s so needed.
Marc and Maya, you both are doing an incredible job, and thank you for sharing all these details about your day! Working from home with a little one is no easy feat (I remember the newborn days of having to lay my screaming child down in another room so I could finish the last 5 minutes of a work call! Some days with a toddler + preschooler still feel that way. 😂) but someone would have concerns or judgement about any situation you have (whether you sent Myles to daycare, one of you didn't work, etc.) and the way you are juggling schedules to meet everyone's needs is admirable.
I noticed in the comments as well that Maya lost her parents this year-- I'm so sorry for your loss! I've increasingly thought of my own personal experience with loss as "mothering without your mother"-- something you do competently 364 days a year, until everyone has a stomach bug/ the baby won't stop crying/ etc. and you just want to hear your own mama's voice (even if your relationship was complicated) tell you everything will be okay. Processing that grief in the context of new parenthood is hard, too. It sounds like you've had a lot to tackle this year and are doing what's best for your family. Happy first birthday to Myles!
Hey Jennifer, really appreciate your thoughtful response. This year has been really tough. No one really understands what it means to lose a parent months before your son was born, and lose the other right after his first birthday. I wish we didn’t have to be strong and resilient, but sadly with a one year old who has no idea what’s going on - we have to show up in every way for him. Keep us in love - we need it. Thanks for reading!
As a new mom who just returned to work, I feel like a struggle with staying focused at work! I’m thinking about work, personal stuff, household stuff, baby stuff. In the pockets where they were focusing on work, they seemed able to really focus and get stuff done and lessen that work mental load
It's so hard, Laura! I remember crying to my boss (who was also a mom) and wondering if I'd ever feel normal again. It gets better! And I think ultimately you get more efficient.
Also a new mom who just returned to work. It is tough stuff.
Laura, I felt this deeply. Maya has been at her job for a while now and me a little over a year. We’ve hit what we called mastery, so we know our jobs really well so we don’t have to prep a lot. I’m grateful for the work that I do because it allows me to be really present at home even if I al working. Would a day or three of childcare would help, of course. But we are able to save a lot and splurge a little for dinner or on weekends. Wishing you strength ❤️