Division of Labor No. 3: A writer and prop-house manager raising a toddler in L.A.

Warning: There's a bit of vomit in this one.

Hello, and welcome to another edition of DIVISION OF LABOR!

I’m so excited for this one, which features the wonderful writer Kristin Wong and her husband, Brian Snell. Together they are raising the most adorable toddler in L.A. 

Kristin and I met way back when I worked at Refinery29, and she was freelancing and had recently published the book Get Money: Live the Life You Want, Not Just the Life You Can Afford. While we connected over our shared interest in women and money, I’ve kept up with her over the years because Kristin writes beautifully on all kinds of topics, and I try never to miss a byline. (You should definitely sign up for her newsletter, Untranslatable.) So I was thrilled when she and her husband agreed to participate in DIVISION OF LABOR.

I’ll let Kristin and Brian take it from here!

Division of Labor Vol. 3

Name: Kristin Wong
Age: 40
Spouse’s Name: Brian Snell
Spouse’s Age: 40
Number of children and their ages: One very toddler-esque toddler

Your job and how many hours you work per week:
I work full-time as a writer and researcher for a radio show and podcast called Hidden Brain. I’m also a freelance writer, and I have a newsletter called Untranslatable. I generally work around 45-50 hours a week, and I’m remote.

Your spouse’s job and how many hours they work per week:
Brian manages a prop house in North Hollywood, and he works a standard schedule, so usually about 40 hours a week, or 45 if you count the commute.

Type of childcare you use:
Our son is in daycare Monday through Friday from 8:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. I try to pick him up a little earlier once a week if I get done with my work early. Also, he just started daycare in January, so it seems like he’s coming home with an illness every other week.

How do you split up household responsibilities?
For daily chores, we try to split them 50-50. Brian will handle the litter box and dishes, for example, and I cook and handle most of the tidying up. We each do our own laundry and take turns deep cleaning stuff, like the toilet or vacuuming. But for other stuff, like the kiddo's laundry, we just kind of get to it when we get to it. I handle the majority of the household management stuff—budgeting, meal prep, play dates, scheduling, etc.

How did you decide who does what?
It’s constantly evolving, and we don’t have any hard and fast rules. There are some irregular chores that we’ve claimed as our own. My husband likes to clean the windows, while, if it were up to me, they’d be forever covered in crayon and stickers. But I’m picky about the baseboards, so that’s my chore. With everything else, we take turns depending on how tired the other person is, but a lot of the little stuff ends up falling on me because my job is more flexible and I work from home. Brene Brown had this great parenting tip about picking up the slack when one person is really run down. I can’t find the clip, but it involved sharing with your partner what percentage you’re at by the end of the day. So if one of you is at 15% and the other is at 75%, the person with more energy can take over. It’s not a perfect rule—Brian and I are often both at 15%—but it’s one of those things where if one of us is truly not feeling it, we can say “Help, please. I’m at 10% today.”

Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor?
Yes and no. When it comes to chores, absolutely. Brian is great about wanting to make things fair and not just have everything fall on me. But it’s the household management that we’ve struggled with, and I think it’s because so much of that work is behind the scenes. In other words, if one person does the laundry, it’s self-evident. You can see them pull the clothes out of the washer; you can see them put in the detergent. In our diary, below, you can clearly see how Brian takes on many of these tasks.

But the management tasks are less visible. It’s the time I spend researching parenting groups, going on play dates with new friends, talking to our neighbors to build community, remembering birthdays, keeping tabs on our calendar, etc. That doesn’t look like work, but it is. Budgeting is also a big one. I spend so much time thinking about our finances and generally, Brian doesn’t have to do that. All of these things are crucial to our functioning but so easily go unnoticed.

Anything else you’d like to share?
I want to put this out there for anyone who might be struggling with the division of labor in their own partnership and wondering why everyone else’s marriage looks so equitable: Brian and I have SO MANY conversations, arguments, and revelations about the division of labor. To be honest, it’s an ongoing struggle. We’ve talked about it in therapy. We’ve talked about it with friends. We’ve talked about it when neither of us feels like talking about it. I feel okay with where we’re at now (most of the time lol), but making sure our work is fairly divided has been a lot of, well, work.

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Kristin and Brian shared a recent rainy Saturday in L.A.

6:00 a.m. 

Brian: I’m awake but very groggy. Not a great night’s sleep. I make some coffee and read the news a bit before everyone else wakes up. It’s dark and raining.

7:45 a.m. 

Kristin: Lou hasn’t been feeling well, so he’s sleeping later than usual. I feel bad that he’s under the weather, but I’m also so grateful to get eight hours of sleep. Brian’s already up and the coffee is made, which is extra exciting.

Brian: I go wake Lou up. He is usually awake by now, and if we don’t get him up that means he won’t be able to nap on time later today.

8:00 a.m.

Kristin: Brian goes and wakes up Lou while I have a few sips of coffee and ease into the day.

Brian: Lou is very groggy and warm. He is clearly not feeling well. 

8:30 a.m. 

Kristin: Poor Lou! He isn’t feeling well at all. We offer him breakfast, but he’s not interested. We watch Little Bear and play with his trains.

Brian: I get his bottle ready in hopes that he will drink some milk. He is being very clingy. He is very much in daddy-mode this morning.

9:00 a.m.

Kristin: My friend Jess from Texas sent Lou an Easter gift in the mail. It seems like a good time to open it. Lou is so excited by all the little gifts and treats, and it’s nice to see him distracted from feeling so blah. He asks if he can have a Peep. I say yes. He only eats half of it, which is not like him at all. He must be feeling pretty cruddy!

Brian: I run to the store to buy easy-to-eat items such as applesauce, yogurt, etc., in hopes that Lou will be able to stomach it. It’s raining very hard, which in L.A. makes everything more difficult.

9:30 a.m.

Kristin: I call the doctor to see if we can make a same-day appointment. Lou throws up all over Brian while I’m on the phone. The office says they can get us in at 10:10. I love this clinic. I have a writing class today, so I email the instructor to tell her I probably won’t make it.

Brian: Lou is eating some of the yogurt that I just bought when his demeanor immediately changes. I pick him up to cuddle, and he proceeds to vomit all over the both of us. He has never done this before.

10:00 a.m.

Kristin: I clean up the vomit, toss in a load of laundry, and get Lou ready to go. We get to the doctor and find out Lou has an ear infection :( The doctor is great and spends a lot of time with us.

11:00 a.m.

Kristin: We get home. Lou fell asleep on the car ride home, and when we get in the house, he says he wants to nap our bed. He asks me to get in bed and fall asleep with him, so I do.

Brian: We haven’t had a chance to eat all day, so I make a taco out of some leftovers.

11:15 a.m. 

Kristin: Lou is asleep, so I get to join the writing class after all. It’s great! But I thought it was an hour long. It’s actually three hours long—oops!

Brian: I stay with Lou in the bedroom for a while to make sure he’s fast asleep. 

12:00 p.m.

Brian: I realize that Lou’s clothes are still in the dryer from yesterday, so I fold them and put them away. It seems like we are constantly doing laundry.

12:30 p.m.

Brian: Lou is still fast asleep, and Kristin is still on her call. I use this downtime to catch up on some baseball scores on my phone 

1:00 p.m.

Kristin: Lou wakes up crying “Mama!” so I step away from my call to see how he’s doing. He’s okay, but he’s ready to get up. Brian comes into the room and lies down with him. I return to my class. 

Brian: Lou and I watch some TV, and I’m able to get him to eat some yogurt and drink a little Pedialyte. Then we go into his room to play with his train set. 

2:00 p.m.

Kristin: My writing class is done, so I take over with Lou. He asks for a smoothie. I’m relieved to see him eating something. 

2:30 p.m.

Brian: I go to Walgreens to pick up Lou’s prescription. It’s an antibiotic, but the doctor told us not to give it to him unless his ear gets worse. When I get home, I clean the blender that Kristin used to make a smoothie and tidy up the kitchen.

3:00 p.m. 

Kristin: I post some stuff on my neighborhood Buy Nothing Group and message the person for pick-up. Why does it feel so good to get rid of things?

3:30 p.m.

Kristin: We were going to host Easter tomorrow and then go to our neighbor’s house for an egg hunt, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen. Bummer! I still want to make some fun desserts with Lou, though, so Brian goes to the Amazon Fresh grocery store near us to get some groceries and the ingredients I need. Lou and I stay home and play with his trains.

Brian: I go to the grocery store to pick up groceries for the week and also for Easter.

5:00 p.m. 

Kristin: Brian missed some stuff on my list, and I’m getting a little stir-crazy, so I suggest we go to Trader Joe’s. Lou is probably contagious and I’m also not feeling great, so he and I wait in the car while Brian picks up what we need.

Brian: Oops! I forgot some things so we decide to all go to Trader Joe’s together.

5:30 p.m.

Kristin: We get home, and Brian puts away the groceries while I try to teach Lou how to take off his shoes and socks. 

6:00 p.m. 

Kristin: Lou and I do “special time” together, which today involves stickers. I swear by special time. It truly transformed our toddler’s behavior.

Brian: I go get Lou's Easter basket from the shed and unwrap some birthday gifts that a friend gave him that we’re repurposing as Easter presents. (Lou’s birthday was in January. I left the gifts in my car and totally forgot about them until today—oops!)

6:30 p.m. 

Kristin: Lou and I make some creme brulee and meringue cookies. I have a glass of wine. I had a bunch of leftovers right after my call, so I’m not super hungry yet. Plus, my stomach isn’t feeling great. Brian orders himself some dinner and asks if I want anything, but I say no thanks.

Brian: I order some takeout (a burger and fries) while Kristin and Lou make dessert for Easter.

7:00 p.m.

Brian: I put in a load of laundry. We seem to always be out of towels. My food arrives, and I scarf it down while Kristin and Lou are baking.

7:30 p.m. 

Kristin: I make Lou some chicken noodle soup from a can, and Brian gives him a bit of it. They watch TV together (The Wiggles and Curious George) while I check on the creme brulee, clean the kitchen, and catch up on texts. I eat the leftover soup for dinner. It’s not bad!

Brian: I feed Lou tablespoons of chicken noodle soup. Luckily he likes it and eats quite a bit. We give him some applesauce for dessert (most of which he spills, but at least his appetite is returning). 

8:00 p.m. 

Kristin: I try to put Lou down for the night, but he is not into it. He wants dad! So I change him and try to brush his teeth, then give him a kiss goodnight and hand him over to Brian.

Brian: I take over putting Lou down for the night. He is still very much in daddy-mode. I make up some story about an eagle named Mike, and he immediately falls asleep. 

8:30 p.m. 

Kristin: I wait for the meringue cookies to finish baking, put the creme brulee in the fridge for tomorrow, and then take a shower. Since we probably can’t see our neighbors tomorrow because Lou is sick, maybe we’ll drop off some cookies for them.

Brian: After Lou falls asleep, I make myself drink and go relax and catch up on my phone.

9:00 p.m. 

Kristin: Brian sits down on the couch after putting Lou down for the night, and we commiserate over the day, as usual. Our little nighttime ritual is to complain about how hard the day was, look at pictures of Lou, and then look at memes together.

We agree that if Lou is still sick on Monday and can’t go to daycare, we’ll each take a half day off work. 

9:30 p.m. 

Kristin: Brian goes to bed and I stay up and have some tea, catch up on my texts, and watch a little TV before bed.

Brian: Goodnight! 

10:30

Kristin: Goodnight!

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Kristin and Brian, thanks so much for sharing your day—it’s so relatable! And we all hope Lou is feeling better! 

And don’t forget to sign up for Kristin’s newsletter!

Before I go, I want to share an event my dear friend Nicole is hosting in Manhattan next Wednesday, April 10, from 6 to 8 p.m., to raise money for the West Alabama Women’s Center.

From Nicole:
Join us for cocktails and conversation with nationally recognized advocates working directly in women’s health, reproductive justice, and awareness and advocacy for women most at risk of imprisonment or death due to lack of access to care. We will discuss how legislation in Alabama and other restricted states has negatively and directly affected the health of women across all socio-economic groups. Most importantly, we will talk about what you can do today to prevent the closure of the West Alabama Women’s Center, a pivotal health clinic serving women in the rural southeast.

​Panelists:

• ​Robin Marty, Executive Director, West Alabama Women's Center, activist, and author, Handbook for a Post-Roe America

• ​Karen Thompson, Legal Director, Pregnancy Justice

• ​Jessica Valenti, author and founder of Abortion Every Day

​Moderator: Stephanie Pell, fellow at the Brookings Institution and senior editor at Lawfare

Tickets start at $100, and all proceeds go directly to the West Alabama Women’s Center. You can find more info here.

I’m so bummed to miss this event, but it’s the day before my final exam for my first CFP class. But I hope some Purse readers will attend! And if you do, let me know how it is! 

That’s it’s for this week, friends! Thanks as always for reading, sharing, and supporting The Purse!

xx
Lindsey

As I say every week, I’m happy to open the comments on this newsletter, but please post with kindness!