Group Chat No. 7: How Are We Coping?

The news is real bad. How are we managing in tough times?

We’re living in weird times, right?

But arguably, we’ve been saying “It’s a weird time” since at least March 2020 and probably all the way back to January 2017. The news is bad, and thanks to our smartphones, it’s nearly impossible to completely disengage. Even if you’re trying to avoid all the rage bait (and there sure is a lot!), you probably feel the need to have some sense of what’s going on just to be a good, informed citizen. (Kate Lindsay summed it up so well in this Substack Note.)

I don’t know about you, but I also feel guilty a lot. I get a sort of twinge of sadness when I find myself really enjoying something—what did I do to deserve this happiness at this moment in time? And with everything seeming so terrible, it feels really hard to know where I should put my energy and money. With government funding cuts, so many more Americans are going to struggle, and those of us with means should pitch in more. But every day a new crisis seems to arise, and while I want to help, my means are not limitless. Where do I even begin? I’m overwhelmed!

And then there’s my everyday life, which like everyone else’s has its ups and downs and major and minor stresses. I ran into an old friend one afternoon, and he asked me how I was doing. “Oh you know, I feel like we’re at an age when everyone is either getting divorced or getting cancer or their parents are dying. So if you’re lucky enough not to be dealing with one of those things, you’re doing pretty great.”

Friends, the bar is pretty low. It’s a wonder we don’t all just call out sick and spend the day in bed watching rom-coms and pretending we have zero responsibilities.¹ But while that might be an OK way to spend a day or two, most of us have jobs and families and bills to pay. We have to put on our big-girl pants and power through. (And maybe sneak in a cry here and there because it’s hard to hold it together all the time.)

This week’s Group Chat was inspired by my friend Alicia. We got to know each other when she was a reporter on my team at CNBC Make It, and we worked together through some of the toughest days of 2020 and 2021. I remember Slacking my team on January 6, 2021, and telling them to not worry about whatever stories they were working on at the time. We’d publish another day, when things calmed down. (Ha!) It felt silly to worry about work with we were living through an insurrection.

During our weekly one-on-ones, Alicia and I would inevitably spiral into a back-and-forth about the terrible state of the world, struggling to find an upbeat note to end on. It might seem odd, but commiserating with her was a big way I coped during those dark days of the pandemic. (Working in the news the past five years is no joke, and if you’re friends with a reporter, hug them and say thank you! They need it!)

Being a mother and a manager means a lot of the time you have to set aside your own fears and frustrations and put on a brave face for others. And it’s hard! But it’s also helped me see just how strong I am. So when Alicia and I were talking about this topic for the group chat, I knew I wanted to tap some of the badass moms I have the pleasure to know and depend on.

Heather Boneparth and Laura Fenton are on the receiving end of many of my existential-crisis texts. They are smart and kind, and they give really good advice. And because we text so much, I also know they are struggling just as much as I am to feel OK about the state of the world right now.

I met Erika Janes, editor in chief of SheKnows, through Laura—they are both moms in Jackson Heights (a Queens neighborhood, for those non–New York readers). And I met Aja Evans, a financial therapist, through the women’s community Luminary, but she’s also friends with Heather. (The women-and-money community is small but mighty.) I don’t know Youngna Park IRL, but I love her newsletter, Making it Work, and last week, when she wrote beautifully about the Camp Mystic tragedy, I knew I wanted to reach out.

I asked all five women to tell me: How are you coping right now? I saved Aja’s for last because, like the amazing therapist she is, she offers some ideas on how we all might cope better, too.

I’d love to hear your answers as well! Leave a comment about how you’re managing in these rough times! And hang in there! I don’t want to say things will get better, because, truly, who knows? But I will say, we’re in this together, and as Aja reminds us, community is everything. I’m so grateful for this one! ❤️

Heather Boneparth

I feel guilty when I say something like, “I am surviving, not thriving,” because there are so many people hurting in much more proximate ways than I am right now. As a mom of two girls who have a lot going on during the school year, summer provides me with a bit of respite and a chance to slow down. But that also means I have more bandwidth to consume one horror show after the next on my phone. For my own sanity, I try to glean the facts in the news cycle but not get drawn into every single tale of human suffering that my algorithm wants me to. I am too empathetic to be able to separate myself from these stories and still show up for the people who need me.

So, how do I cope, aside from tossing my phone across the room? (I’ve done that, by the way.) I’ve always enjoyed making things: I cook, bake, craft, and paint. Painting custom sneakers is my favorite. Because it’s summer, I get to do some of this outside and have the added benefit of touching grass, which is nice. Don’t underestimate the value of touching grass or putting your feet in the sand. It reminds you that despite everything going on in the world, you are here, in your own body and your own life.

Heather Boneparth is a writer and former corporate attorney who runs business affairs for Bone Fide Wealth, a wealth management firm based in New York City. This fall, Heather and her husband, Doug, are publishing Money Together, a book about couples and their finances. You can (and should!) pre-order here.

Laura Fenton

I wish I had an inspiring rallying cry for activism, but right now, I am taking a step back to recoup my energy and enjoy summer with my kid. I’m coping with the horrific news by limiting when and how much media I read and deleting social media apps from my phone. Instead of scrolling at night, I’m indulging in breezy summer reads, including the latest books by Emily Henry, Carley Fortune, and Annabel Monaghan, as a form of light escapism. But I also picked up The Big We by Hali Lee, a book about giving circles, at the library this week, and it has me thinking about new ways to give going forward. So, I wouldn’t call it completely burying my head in the sand, but I’m choosing not to go deep on everything to save my sanity. Running (even in the blistering heat) keeps me balanced and helps me sleep at night.

Laura Fenton is the author of the Living Small newsletter and The Little Book of Living Small.

Youngna Park

My primary means of coping is by prioritizing activities that require singular focus—things that absolutely cannot be done while multi-tasking. For me, these two activities are reading (books) and playing tennis. Both have required my building conscientious attention stamina, and both allow me to escape thinking about everything else. I think tennis could be replaced by a lot of other physical or tactile hobbies, like gardening, making art, other sports, etc. My kids now understand if I’m reading or going to play tennis, they must not interrupt me! It’s sacred time.

There is so much to be distracted by, so much to feel overwhelmed by, so many things that you feel you need to do on any given day—plus the endless needs of kids. But, I promise that if you read a book for 30 minutes a day and move your body for at least another 30 minutes, then at the very least, you did these two things that will help you feel more connected to your brain and your body.

Youngna Park is a digital product advisor and writer, who is focused on making better technology for kids and families at places like the New York Times, Sago Mini, Tinybop, and more. She writes Making it Work, a weekly newsletter about trying to stay sane while parenting in the modern world, and she cover kids’ gear, toys, and books for The Strategist and @kidsbookrecs on Instagram. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband and kids, ages 7 and 9.

Erika Janes

Lately, I’ve been trying to prioritize two things that are important to me and make me feel better, but that always seem easy to put off: exercising and connecting with friends. I’ve been woefully absent from my neighborhood running club lately, but I’m recommitting myself—in fact, I restarted on literally one of the hottest days of the year. I’ve also joined the same gym that my oldest kid, who’s currently home from college, goes to. We’ve only worked out together once so far, but it was a fun way to spend time together, and I’m ever mindful that he’ll be back at school in just a few weeks.

I’m also trying to be better about cultivating connection with friends, whether it’s an impromptu wine night with some neighborhood mom friends or actually making it to my longstanding monthly book club meetings (and, um, reading the book—because that’s another thing that I love but have let fall by the wayside lately!).

Erika Janes is the editor in chief of SheKnows and a writer, editor, and content strategist with more than a decade of experience covering all things parenting.

Aja Evans

The cruelty of living through the Covid pandemic and then going so quickly into these challenging times seems almost like some cosmic joke. Don’t even get me started on what it means to be a working parent to young kids right now.

While I wish so much of what is going on were different, I am choosing to allow my discomfort to be a reminder that I care. To remind myself—and you—that two things can be true. We can hold the atrocities and concern for the world and still show up for our lives. You can plan your kid’s birthday party and hold grief for those who have lost their children. It is gut-wrenching to think about, but I don’t want you to ignore it.

I want you to give yourself as much space and time as you can to acknowledge the hurt, sit with it, breathe through it, cry, and put it some place safe inside of you when you can more fully experience your feelings. Am I telling you to pop into a hiding place to break down? Yes, if you need to, and no, you don’t have to hide it if you don’t want to. Because it is insane!

When you are in a space to dive into your feelings, start identifying what is coming up for you and brain-dump your thoughts into your journal or with your bestie over one of your favorite bevies. Process the feeling and then find a way to take action as a way to complete the stress cycle. Whether that is reading a book that stretches your understanding of a certain topic or brings levity to life with much-needed escapism. It could look like donating your time or resources or being the conduit to conversation. I suggest action because it can bring you out of isolation. I truly believe community is the cure—that and finding the glimmers (small moments of happiness) throughout your day. Coming together during these times will only help us power through with support but also with action toward change.

Aja Evans is a board-certified therapist who focuses on personal finance. She’s the author of the book Feel Good Finance.

Thank you so much, Heather, Laura, Youngna, Erika, and Aja!

Random Extras:

• We’re a few weeks into summer break, and I’m trying my hardest not to let our routines totally fall off a cliff. To make sure my kid doesn’t become completely feral, I’ve set him up with chores, and we’re tracking them in the Acorns Early app. He has to practice piano, take out the compost, and put away his laundry each week.

  Summer is a great time to set up an allowance and chores routine for your kid, and Acorns Early is a wonderful tool to help make the process easier. New users get a 30-day free trial. Plus, Purse readers get a complimentary one-year annual subscription to this newsletter when they sign up for an Acorns Early account via this link.² #partner

• Big congrats to my friend Neha Ruch on six months since the launch of her book, The Power Pause. I loved this excellent New York Times story on the movement she’s nurturing! (Also loved seeing quotes from the great Cait Luzio, founder of Luminary!)

• The Purse is on Instagram! Are you following us?

  
  

1. Actually, that sounds pretty good. I may have to do that soon.

2. Kids aged 6-18. © GoHenry Inc. ("Acorns Early"). The Acorns Early card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank, member FDIC, pursuant to license by Mastercard International. Free trial for new subscribers only. Charges apply: $5+/mo after trial. Cardholder Terms and limits apply