A tip about tips, part 2: the holiday madness edition
A hot take on holiday giving
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How’s your holiday shopping going so far this year? We’re making some progress. We’re almost done shopping for the kiddo, and we bought some gifts for my in-laws. (Sorry, Mom and Dad, still trying to figure out what to get you two, who need nothing.) And I was thrilled when my sister-in-law texted me last week with the suggestion that we skip exchanging adult gifts this year and just give presents to the kids. I took it one step further and said we should just give children's books. Goodness knows both our boys are sure to get a lot of toys from their grandparents, and I never say no to buying books (which, I admit, are their own type of clutter, but for some reason it doesn’t bother me as much).
I have complicated feelings about the holidays, but for as much as I am sort of a Scrooge about gift giving, I try to be generous with my tipping and end-of-year donations. I just don’t want any more things, and I think most people don’t need more things either!
Frankly, we are living in an age of insane consumerism where we feel compelled for some stupid reason to buy gift upon gift upon gift even though we don’t need them. (Maybe it’s all the gift guides?!) But you know who would appreciate some extra cash this time of year? The nanny who cares for your kids. Your building super who takes your late-night calls when the toilet breaks. Your housekeeper who leaves your home looking spotless. The nice manicurist who always makes sure not to smudge your pedicure. TIP THEM. And tip them well. It’s the least you can do.
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Earlier this year, I wrote about how complicated tipping has gotten in the age of pre-entered tip screens that suggest you add huge tips onto your small purchases. (There’s nothing weirder than when you’re asked to give a tip at a self-checkout kiosk!) As a result, people are feeling grumpier than ever about this expected gratuity. It doesn’t help when companies like DoorDash inform their customers that they may receive slower service if they choose not to add a tip at the time of order.
Unfortunately, our bad feelings about day-to-day tips will likely trickle over into holiday tipping, which really is a whole other ballgame.
It doesn’t help that holiday tipping and its perceived consequences have permeated pop culture. There’s an episode in the second season of Friends where Monica and Rachel give holiday cookies instead of tips. It does not go over well.
And Ken and I just started watching Only Murders in the Building, and in the second episode, Steve Martin explains to Martin Short that he doesn’t tip the building staff at the holidays because he thinks it’s elitist.
“The reason I don’t tip is out of respect for you,” he later says to the building manager, whose name he can’t even remember.
“Please, don’t respect me so much,” she says, her voice dripping in sarcasm.
But I don’t think that holiday tipping needs to be complicated.
For one, let’s stop calling it a tip. We’re not talking about $1 to the barista who makes your morning latte, but a chunk of cash you give to your nanny or housekeeper or building super. Let’s rebrand these year-end tips as “holiday bonuses.” This isn’t a nominal amount you’re giving to the delivery guy who drops off your Chinese food, someone you’ll likely never see again. These year-end tips go to people with whom you have intimate relationships. You should feel good about being generous with them. (Also, tip the delivery guy!)
For two, stop worrying so much about how much you tip. Be as generous as you can within your means. It’s perfectly acceptable to set a holiday tip bonus budget. The tipping guide on the Emily Post website includes a list of things to consider when deciding how much and who to tip. “Common sense, specific circumstances, and holiday spirit should always be your guide,” it states. Oh, if we could all just lean more into common sense, maybe we’d all be happier and healthier.
While I don’t think you should overthink holiday tipping, sometimes it’s nice to have a guide to help you decide how much to give. Here are some general rules of thumb. Feel free to give more if you can afford to and give less if your budget is tight. Remember: This is a gift, not a requirement!
Nanny: One week’s pay
Housekeeper: The cost of one cleaning
Teachers/Daycare staff: $50 to $75 per teacher (I’ve seen a lot of guides suggest less than this, but if you can afford it, I recommend giving more.)
Building super or manager: $100-$150
Building doorman: $50-$100
This guide from Real Simple has a long list of other service providers you might want to include on your holiday bonus list. (I realize that many of you reading this might not have a building super, but you might have a regular gardening service.) The article suggests you also give a physical gift to nearly everyone on this list, but I’m going to argue against this. These are the kinds of gifts people definitely don’t need and probably don’t want. And it’s going to take a ton of time for you to shop and wrap and give them, so just skip it and give a bigger cash bonus instead.
(If your school doesn’t allow teachers to accept cash gifts, I recommend you check out my friend Laura’s wonderful guide for WSJ Buy Side. Laura has great taste, and she’s a very mindful consumer, so these gifts feel good and not wasteful.)
Maybe this is a radical thought, but when you’re planning your holiday spending, that money is better spent on a bonus for a service provider than on a gift for that person in your life who “has it all” and “doesn’t need anything else.” Everyone knows someone like this. I’d even say I’m that person—I do not need anything this year. But we all seem so hell-bent on making sure they have a gift under the tree. Why? It’s one thing to buy gifts for your kids—the holiday season is arguably for and about them—but going over-the-top with gifts for adults is just lost on me.
When my sister-in-law and I were texting about not exchanging gifts this year, we decided we’ll make charitable donations instead. The state of the world is really distressing right now, and even though donating cash might seem like a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things, I think this is much better than receiving a present I didn’t need and might not like.
I especially like to help local organizations this time of year, with the hope that it might make the holidays a bit better for people in my community. We also make sure to participate in a toy drive or two and ask our kid to help choose the presents, so he begins to understand the joy of giving, too.
This is also a good time of year to donate to your local food bank (though honestly, this is something we should all do year round). My friend Cindy shared this helpful post on her Instagram feed recently, and I bookmarked it. I don’t think I had ever considered that you might want to include a can opener when you donate cans of food. Taking the extra time to think about how the food can and will be consumed will help you make smarter choices in what you donate.
When I feel most overwhelmed during the holidays, I try to push myself to remember what’s most important to me this time of year. It’s not a pile of shiny wrapped gifts under the tree. It’s not about posting a million and one adorable holiday photos on Instagram. My holidays are happiest when I spend time with people I love, when I donate to organizations I care about, and when I can be generous with the people who make my life better, and so that’s where my holiday budget is being spent this year. How about you?
xx
Lindsey
We do consumables for almost all gifts, and for our loved ones (none of whom are actual relatives except our parents), we do family game- or activity-based gifts - one gift for 5-6 people! We are also big fans of books, and this holiday season, when I'm surrounded by the bizarre echo chamber that is puzzle lovers, it was a revelation to realize our family's version of puzzles is LEGO.
And that's a whole series of discussion on its own - the undermining of hyperconsumerisom that is learning what you value and saying no to everything else.
We don't have a super, cosmetic providers, or a gardener. We tip well (both myself and my spouse grew up poor, and worked in the service industry, and I'm the first person in my family since they immigrated to the States not to work in the mines).
We do donate a larger portion of our income than the average American, so I think we're aligned on the "take care of each other, and consistently" value. I'm not saying this as a brag, but as a discussion metric. I'm sorry if that vibes as anything but.
Really enjoying your work. Thank you for writing about women and money!
I love this. As someone who loves gift giving I do try to prioritize edible things/experiences for those who don't know what they want. But I appreciate the idea of setting aside a holiday tip budget especially as someone whose never sure how much to tip our buildings maintenance guys!