I've only had a small human in my life for four months, and wowza did this essay speak to me. When you first have a baby, most friends pelt you with negative comments.
"OH YOU MUST NOT BE SLEEPING."
"OH YOU JUST WAIT IT GETS SO MUCH HARDER."
I went back to work an external partner said "YOU ARE TOTALLY FUCKED" when they learned I just had a child.
My few months into motherhood have been filled with delightful moments. He chats! He loves music! And also ... he spits up! He cries!
He is a baby, and seeing life unfold before him is wonderful. Of course there are hard days and there are harder ones ahead, but I wish more people emphasized the joys for new parents versus the negatives.
Agreed! It's somehow *not done* to acknowledge that being a mom is fun. I had kids (in part) because I WANTED to go to the park, I WANTED to go to the McDonald's playplace, I WANTED to have an excuse to go strawberry picking, My "hobby" these days is finding and doing fun things with my kids.... because that's what I WANT to do! It brings ME joy! I feel so much pressure to come up with hobbies and activities that are just for me, and then guilt b/c I don't want to do those. I'd rather hang out with my kids.
I hope this qualifies as a nice thing to say but as a childfree person, I think essays like this are so incredibly vital to discussions around both motherhood and being childfree. There are very obvious, beautiful pros to becoming a parent that I feel like are frequently overshadowed by the “horrors” of parenthood.
Kids are hilarious and unreasonable. They’re cute and devastatingly insightful. Also, as someone who has recently fallen in love for the first time, I’m convinced that love is a deeply primal emotion that is embedded in the fabric of our humanity and I can only imagine how deep that would go if I had a child. I’m also deeply moved by the idea of having adult children. My capacity for empathy has changed so much as I’ve grown up and recognized my mother as an individual and not just as my mother. It’s such a blessing to know her and I think it would be wondrous to be known like that.
I could list off the litany of reasons I don’t want kids (which I won’t because this isn’t the place) but I’ve made this decision because I’ve also forced myself to think about all the aspects of motherhood I would find appealing. It required significant time thinking about these nuances which has informed my decision.
It’s also comforting to read about happy humans doing their best to raise good, happy humans. We so very much need each other and I think parents taking on the task of raising a human in a world so beautiful and so terrifying is a wonderful and fascinating thing.
Thanks so much for this comment, Asia! I think there's something to be said for growing up and seeing your mom as an individual and not just a mother. That's one thing I try to do w/ my kid, to let him see the whole me, and understand that I'm not "just" a mom, but also a person with a job and interests and friends and faults.
This essay put so many feelings into words for me, a newish mom of a 10-month-old—thank you, Lindsey! I've been trying to figure out why I often hold back on being so earnest and enthusiastic about being a mom; it feels like I'm giving into the patriarchy (as you mentioned) or announcing that this is my whole identity, which is considered deeply uncool. In public, I've tended to play it off like "It's okay! I'm still ambitious! I'm my own person, and I won't let motherhood take that from me!"
But my daughter makes my heart whole. When I walk into a room and we lock eyes and she breaks into a big, gummy grin, I feel so much joy I could burst. I'm obsessed with her.
All to say, again, thank you so much for sharing this.
As someone who was on the fence about having kids for a long time, and is now expecting her first, this was such a refreshing take. I know it's going to be difficult, but it's so nice to know that goodness and joy are part of it too!
People LLLOOOOVE to tell you how difficult it will be, I find this so annoying so I always take the time to tell a mom to be that she has no idea how much love is about to come into her life! Its like a tidal wave of deep physical and emotional love that seems to come from nowhere and lights up you up at the most unexpected times! I am a scientist, I have a PhD and work in academia - I love science but my career has definitely changed and progression has slowed since having children but I will never, ever regret having my three babies, they are the best thing that have ever happened to me and I am obsessed with them (they are now 10, 7 and 4). It is the more real life aspects such as logistics that make me know that we couldn't handle another baby but if it wasn't for that I would be addicted to keeping those feelings going forever and have more babies haha but now that they are older, I am noticing more of a independence and more of a life outside of it again which is both sad and wonderful all at once. An appreciation I wouldn't have felt if I was never so deep in mothering babies. My last point here to you is that There. Is. So. Much. Joy. SO MUCH and you're going to love it xx
Thanks for this: What a beautiful essay! I think a lot about how this is a chapter of my life - the one where being a mom is my biggest identity (not my only identity!) and I love it. I love volunteering at my kid's school and having all his friends know me and want to tell me all kinds of silly things and how much they love the attention and interest of a grown up. I love the meandering conversations with my kids in the car and how curious they are about the world. I love getting to have a second childhood by playing toys and doing crafts and playing outside - all the things we lose as grown ups that are really fun to do. I love being so loved, being their favorite person. I love having a small person crawl into my lap and cuddle me and hold my hand. My 4 year old randomly said "Even though it's hard, I still like it" the other day. When I asked her "what is hard?" she said "life" It's true of motherhood too, even though it's hard I still like it. Love it, cherish it. It may sound uncool or anti-feminist to say (though I don't think it's either) but more than anything else I've accomplished or created, being a mom is the best thing I've ever done.
Lindsey, love, love, LOVE this essay. We don't hear enough about the upsides to raising humans while still acknowledging how hard it is - especially because we make it so much harder than it needs to be in this country without child care infrastructure or paid family leave. We tell mothers (and parents) to enjoy it, but don't ask for any help because then you're ungrateful. We need to find a way for all parents to have joy from raising kids, while also being able to expect basic social safety net supports from one of the richest countries in the world. Keep on writing.
Thank you, I LOVE this essay! I tried to capture this in my dissertation research a decade ago and it's SO true that we don't necessarily, culturally, talk about the pleasure of motherhood. Like, we are suppose to toil as mothers. Maybe that's our puritanical heritage speaking. Or another version of hustle culture. I've found motherhood to be physically and emotionally pleasurable and the best 'work/job' i have ever done. It's a fascinating topic because we definitely have a gross, hallmarky romanticization of motherhood, and then speaking honestly about the dark sides is an online cottage industry. But like you point out so well talking about the real joy and the pleasures of motherhood are somehow threatening...like maybe we give up the political fight for childcare etc if we admit we love and enjoy motherhood? And, I think it threatens patriarchy in ways I can't explain if women find pleasure in mothering. LOVE this topic!! Oh, and one of my favorite books that discusses this very idea is "Maternal Desire" by Daphne de Marneffe.
Oh that's so interesting that you did a dissertation on the topic! I feel like there's so much good source material to dig into!
And, yes, there's probably some way to connect it back to our puritanical heritage!
Also, I didn't get into this, but there's not a lot of coverage of how fatherhood changes men. They simply get to be "fun dads" and "breadwinners" and that's it.
Ooh, I also love this topic! I wouldn’t be the writer I am today without mom blogs like Dooce. Did you read Extremely Online by Taylor Lorenz. It includes an interesting look at mom blogs.
Just curious, what the main agenda of your dissertation? The mommy blogs of the 2010s (Love Taza, Bleubird, etc.) were some of my faves and I feel like colored my view of motherhood in a really positive way before I was even thinking of having kids. I've since had a child and like the subject of this post, find it to be a really great experience (besides the birth, the birth was absolutely brutal haha). Anyways, I'm currently interested in the idea that the institution of motherhood is broken in the US (i.e. because society is set up for a breadwinner office worker and a stay at home partner to handle kids and all domestic work) but the personal experience of motherhood can be delightful.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes, which could partially be my post-partum hormones, but also because in the eight months since having my first baby, I am completely changed, my world is changed and no one has been able to articulate it in the way that Lindsey just did in this essay. I may cry a lot and I may feel like a mess, but my life mission has most definitely been sharpened by motherhood, so don't underestimate me. (I love these quotes in the essay and am putting them on a post it note to look at everyday!) Cheers to all the mothers out there and their missions.
Adored this essay, thank you for it Lindsay! I'm never going to unhear those Maggie Rogers lyrics as an ode to motherhood.
The pre-kid version of me would cringe at what I am about to write, but I am no longer her, and that's ok. I really resonate with the idea that having kids sharpens you - your focus, goals and purpose are forever changed for the better. Watching my little boys grow up gives me a front-row seat to the passage of time. Of course there are moments I would like to edit out - I have yet to recieve the dreaded "come get your kid we found lice" call (I'm sure I will, and I am ready to give buzz cuts in my backyard!) but experiences of family stomach bugs and raised voices and lost patience come to mind. For every one of these moments, there is the laughter and the sticky fingers and the love shown between brothers and it makes my heart burst in ways I could never have imagined. I'm forever grateful for these boys who brought my life into focus. Time marches on - I love passing it with them.
Your lice story reminds me of my own-and I remind myself to use that experience as my bottom of the barrel can’t get any worse day….I had been diagnosed with a mystery cancer-going through daily tests and scans to figure out what it was. Kids were 4 and 8. I was at the hospital for yet another scan and we got the call about the 8 yr old’s head critters 😫😫😫. Had to do all the gymnastics that you described for the whole fam, stuffed animals, comforters blah blah blah. Next day…I’m digging through my daughter’s head to get the eggs, and…it was my birthday AND…still didn’t know what the cancer was😞😞 SHIT day of there ever was one. Twenty years later I’m 👍👍 and kids are fully launched, fully educated both with MSs, good jobs and partners - life works out and it’s GOOD.🙏😍
I love the heaviness of motherhood. Maybe odd to say, but hear me out. I’ve always been a pretty serious person, and honestly I love that this love is so WEIGHTY. A love with so many layers. A love that was started by the love between my husband and I (conception), that I have known from the very beginning of its existence (a positive pregnancy test). From faint flutters to rib kicks, to brutal and bloody labor, and then you blink and it’s been nearly a decade (my firstborn turns 9 this year) and you realize it’s all just the very beginning. Whoa. That is a heavy love. The love you can have for someone that you created from scratch.
I love how earnest I feel about motherhood. How I can be idealistic about each coming season of parenting, and also be humbled and learn about myself and become capable of adapting when those imagined seasons actually come to fruition and don’t go as planned. I am growing into myself as I parent. And that’s a gift. I love it.
I am by far the happiest I have been in my life right not as a mom. I love it and i do feel the little prickle of shame at admitting that. Kids are just such a joy. What's more motherhood has sustained me! At the saddest time in my life, when my dad was dying, I remember thinking "but I will still have these rays of sunshine from my boys even when he dies. I'll still laugh and smile every day." And it was true.
Loved this article! I also have the sense that all the mom tropes/negativity may be a predominantly (but of course not entirely) American phenomenon? I say that having lived in a number of places (for example, France), where being a mom is one part of your identity, alongside being a partner/lover, friend, worker, etc. Not necessarily the be-all/end-all, such that women are as defined by it in a way. Surely the access to real maternity leave, universal child care, etc. is a factor, as is (in many societies in Asia and Africa) the higher prominence of extended family/community structures, but it's something to consider...
As for me, it always feels a bit selfish to admit but my main motivating factor in becoming a mother was the desire to experience what seems like a pretty singular and defining part of the human experience. Of course that's not to suggest that one can't experience a full and bountiful life without being a mother, but it's just...I don't know...different. I wanted to experience and understand that.
And here I am 10.5 years later! I take so much joy in what others have mentioned - the cuddles, the laughs, the unconditional love. I also love the way in which I'm (continuously) learning patience, gaining greater understanding of myself as a person and getting to witness not only the physical but also the emotional growth of a child - he actually personifies growth mindset for me, in the best possible way.
More tangibly though? The thing I love most is travelling together and introducing the world to him. He's super adventurous and also a foodie - truly the best travel companion!
Thank you! I enjoy having kids SO much. Are parts hard? Yes. But watching a little person discover the world is already so incredibly FUN! Also watching their personality develop, what are they going to like and dislike? We also get the opportunity to raise a little human being who I want to hang out with! I get to raise a little boy to be a man who is empathetic, an equal partner to women, regardless of who he may choose to spend his life with. I get to raise a little girl to know her worth and to not settle. I also will hopefully get to raise people who I get to hang out with until I die! We both still love spending times with our siblings and parents, so I can't imagine not doing that.
I seriously just enjoy this. Their happy faces in the morning, the new words and skills that they learn. I find so much joy in it and I love to talk about it.
Oh this is so lovely. I've been struggling with how to write about Mother's Day because it is indeed SO complex - but how freeing to just stop and acknowledge the JOY! When my kids look me in the eyes and tell me they love me and that I'm the best mom ever, I literally don't need anything else in this world. When I think back on memories over the past decade as mom of 3, the amazing adventures we've had, the hilarious stories that we'll keep telling forever, the dance parties and snuggles and the sense of "awe" they bring to everyday life... I can't imagine it any other way.
At the same time, with elderly parents, a disabled brother, and no family around to help, it's also the hardest time of my life. I really appreciate separating out the fact that out society has failed caregivers from the act of mothering and caring. I love being a mom; it's our societal lack of support, gender inequity and focus on individualism and productivity are the true thieves of joy. That's what's missing from the mainstream conversation!
I've only had a small human in my life for four months, and wowza did this essay speak to me. When you first have a baby, most friends pelt you with negative comments.
"OH YOU MUST NOT BE SLEEPING."
"OH YOU JUST WAIT IT GETS SO MUCH HARDER."
I went back to work an external partner said "YOU ARE TOTALLY FUCKED" when they learned I just had a child.
My few months into motherhood have been filled with delightful moments. He chats! He loves music! And also ... he spits up! He cries!
He is a baby, and seeing life unfold before him is wonderful. Of course there are hard days and there are harder ones ahead, but I wish more people emphasized the joys for new parents versus the negatives.
Oh no! That comment about being "totally fucked" was a little much!
Also, I love a chatty baby! The best!
I think the "oh no just wait" is in response to "NO ONE TOLD ME...."
Both are sort of pointless phrases now - we need more space for people to just open up to one another in a more natural way.
I also have an almost 4 month old, and wow it is so fun lately! Also hard (sleep regression...), but he's so delightful!
Agreed! It's somehow *not done* to acknowledge that being a mom is fun. I had kids (in part) because I WANTED to go to the park, I WANTED to go to the McDonald's playplace, I WANTED to have an excuse to go strawberry picking, My "hobby" these days is finding and doing fun things with my kids.... because that's what I WANT to do! It brings ME joy! I feel so much pressure to come up with hobbies and activities that are just for me, and then guilt b/c I don't want to do those. I'd rather hang out with my kids.
Ah, you sound like a fun mom, Katie!
Awww, thanks. I try. :)
amen.
I hope this qualifies as a nice thing to say but as a childfree person, I think essays like this are so incredibly vital to discussions around both motherhood and being childfree. There are very obvious, beautiful pros to becoming a parent that I feel like are frequently overshadowed by the “horrors” of parenthood.
Kids are hilarious and unreasonable. They’re cute and devastatingly insightful. Also, as someone who has recently fallen in love for the first time, I’m convinced that love is a deeply primal emotion that is embedded in the fabric of our humanity and I can only imagine how deep that would go if I had a child. I’m also deeply moved by the idea of having adult children. My capacity for empathy has changed so much as I’ve grown up and recognized my mother as an individual and not just as my mother. It’s such a blessing to know her and I think it would be wondrous to be known like that.
I could list off the litany of reasons I don’t want kids (which I won’t because this isn’t the place) but I’ve made this decision because I’ve also forced myself to think about all the aspects of motherhood I would find appealing. It required significant time thinking about these nuances which has informed my decision.
It’s also comforting to read about happy humans doing their best to raise good, happy humans. We so very much need each other and I think parents taking on the task of raising a human in a world so beautiful and so terrifying is a wonderful and fascinating thing.
Thanks so much for this comment, Asia! I think there's something to be said for growing up and seeing your mom as an individual and not just a mother. That's one thing I try to do w/ my kid, to let him see the whole me, and understand that I'm not "just" a mom, but also a person with a job and interests and friends and faults.
This essay put so many feelings into words for me, a newish mom of a 10-month-old—thank you, Lindsey! I've been trying to figure out why I often hold back on being so earnest and enthusiastic about being a mom; it feels like I'm giving into the patriarchy (as you mentioned) or announcing that this is my whole identity, which is considered deeply uncool. In public, I've tended to play it off like "It's okay! I'm still ambitious! I'm my own person, and I won't let motherhood take that from me!"
But my daughter makes my heart whole. When I walk into a room and we lock eyes and she breaks into a big, gummy grin, I feel so much joy I could burst. I'm obsessed with her.
All to say, again, thank you so much for sharing this.
Yes! It does feel so deeply uncool! Unless you are a "cool mom" who pretends like motherhood is NBD!
And OMG, when you're reunited with your kid and they make you feel like you're the whole world! The best!!
As someone who was on the fence about having kids for a long time, and is now expecting her first, this was such a refreshing take. I know it's going to be difficult, but it's so nice to know that goodness and joy are part of it too!
I give all the expecting moms I meet a pep talk about all the good things! Congrats! It's hard but so so wonderful!
People LLLOOOOVE to tell you how difficult it will be, I find this so annoying so I always take the time to tell a mom to be that she has no idea how much love is about to come into her life! Its like a tidal wave of deep physical and emotional love that seems to come from nowhere and lights up you up at the most unexpected times! I am a scientist, I have a PhD and work in academia - I love science but my career has definitely changed and progression has slowed since having children but I will never, ever regret having my three babies, they are the best thing that have ever happened to me and I am obsessed with them (they are now 10, 7 and 4). It is the more real life aspects such as logistics that make me know that we couldn't handle another baby but if it wasn't for that I would be addicted to keeping those feelings going forever and have more babies haha but now that they are older, I am noticing more of a independence and more of a life outside of it again which is both sad and wonderful all at once. An appreciation I wouldn't have felt if I was never so deep in mothering babies. My last point here to you is that There. Is. So. Much. Joy. SO MUCH and you're going to love it xx
Thanks for this: What a beautiful essay! I think a lot about how this is a chapter of my life - the one where being a mom is my biggest identity (not my only identity!) and I love it. I love volunteering at my kid's school and having all his friends know me and want to tell me all kinds of silly things and how much they love the attention and interest of a grown up. I love the meandering conversations with my kids in the car and how curious they are about the world. I love getting to have a second childhood by playing toys and doing crafts and playing outside - all the things we lose as grown ups that are really fun to do. I love being so loved, being their favorite person. I love having a small person crawl into my lap and cuddle me and hold my hand. My 4 year old randomly said "Even though it's hard, I still like it" the other day. When I asked her "what is hard?" she said "life" It's true of motherhood too, even though it's hard I still like it. Love it, cherish it. It may sound uncool or anti-feminist to say (though I don't think it's either) but more than anything else I've accomplished or created, being a mom is the best thing I've ever done.
I love this so much! The crawling into laps is the best thing! And their interesting points of view! It's all amazing!
Lindsey, love, love, LOVE this essay. We don't hear enough about the upsides to raising humans while still acknowledging how hard it is - especially because we make it so much harder than it needs to be in this country without child care infrastructure or paid family leave. We tell mothers (and parents) to enjoy it, but don't ask for any help because then you're ungrateful. We need to find a way for all parents to have joy from raising kids, while also being able to expect basic social safety net supports from one of the richest countries in the world. Keep on writing.
Yes, Rebecca, 100% agree! Enjoying motherhood shouldn't be a privilege!
Thank you, I LOVE this essay! I tried to capture this in my dissertation research a decade ago and it's SO true that we don't necessarily, culturally, talk about the pleasure of motherhood. Like, we are suppose to toil as mothers. Maybe that's our puritanical heritage speaking. Or another version of hustle culture. I've found motherhood to be physically and emotionally pleasurable and the best 'work/job' i have ever done. It's a fascinating topic because we definitely have a gross, hallmarky romanticization of motherhood, and then speaking honestly about the dark sides is an online cottage industry. But like you point out so well talking about the real joy and the pleasures of motherhood are somehow threatening...like maybe we give up the political fight for childcare etc if we admit we love and enjoy motherhood? And, I think it threatens patriarchy in ways I can't explain if women find pleasure in mothering. LOVE this topic!! Oh, and one of my favorite books that discusses this very idea is "Maternal Desire" by Daphne de Marneffe.
Kara, this line: "and then speaking honestly about the dark sides is an online cottage industry" gave me a smile. I am here for this take.
Oh that's so interesting that you did a dissertation on the topic! I feel like there's so much good source material to dig into!
And, yes, there's probably some way to connect it back to our puritanical heritage!
Also, I didn't get into this, but there's not a lot of coverage of how fatherhood changes men. They simply get to be "fun dads" and "breadwinners" and that's it.
oh this was not the main agenda in my research but it was an unexpected finding! I was looking at mommy blogs back in the 2010s.
Ooh, I also love this topic! I wouldn’t be the writer I am today without mom blogs like Dooce. Did you read Extremely Online by Taylor Lorenz. It includes an interesting look at mom blogs.
Just curious, what the main agenda of your dissertation? The mommy blogs of the 2010s (Love Taza, Bleubird, etc.) were some of my faves and I feel like colored my view of motherhood in a really positive way before I was even thinking of having kids. I've since had a child and like the subject of this post, find it to be a really great experience (besides the birth, the birth was absolutely brutal haha). Anyways, I'm currently interested in the idea that the institution of motherhood is broken in the US (i.e. because society is set up for a breadwinner office worker and a stay at home partner to handle kids and all domestic work) but the personal experience of motherhood can be delightful.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes, which could partially be my post-partum hormones, but also because in the eight months since having my first baby, I am completely changed, my world is changed and no one has been able to articulate it in the way that Lindsey just did in this essay. I may cry a lot and I may feel like a mess, but my life mission has most definitely been sharpened by motherhood, so don't underestimate me. (I love these quotes in the essay and am putting them on a post it note to look at everyday!) Cheers to all the mothers out there and their missions.
Congrats, Patsy! 8 months is such an amazing age, too, when they start doing all the cute baby stuff! It just gets better (and easier in some ways).
Adored this essay, thank you for it Lindsay! I'm never going to unhear those Maggie Rogers lyrics as an ode to motherhood.
The pre-kid version of me would cringe at what I am about to write, but I am no longer her, and that's ok. I really resonate with the idea that having kids sharpens you - your focus, goals and purpose are forever changed for the better. Watching my little boys grow up gives me a front-row seat to the passage of time. Of course there are moments I would like to edit out - I have yet to recieve the dreaded "come get your kid we found lice" call (I'm sure I will, and I am ready to give buzz cuts in my backyard!) but experiences of family stomach bugs and raised voices and lost patience come to mind. For every one of these moments, there is the laughter and the sticky fingers and the love shown between brothers and it makes my heart burst in ways I could never have imagined. I'm forever grateful for these boys who brought my life into focus. Time marches on - I love passing it with them.
Love this, Taylor! And our pre-kid selves knew nothing!! LOL!
I totally agree with everything you wrote here. <3
Your lice story reminds me of my own-and I remind myself to use that experience as my bottom of the barrel can’t get any worse day….I had been diagnosed with a mystery cancer-going through daily tests and scans to figure out what it was. Kids were 4 and 8. I was at the hospital for yet another scan and we got the call about the 8 yr old’s head critters 😫😫😫. Had to do all the gymnastics that you described for the whole fam, stuffed animals, comforters blah blah blah. Next day…I’m digging through my daughter’s head to get the eggs, and…it was my birthday AND…still didn’t know what the cancer was😞😞 SHIT day of there ever was one. Twenty years later I’m 👍👍 and kids are fully launched, fully educated both with MSs, good jobs and partners - life works out and it’s GOOD.🙏😍
OMG! That is a shit day! I'm so glad it all had a happy ending!!
I love the heaviness of motherhood. Maybe odd to say, but hear me out. I’ve always been a pretty serious person, and honestly I love that this love is so WEIGHTY. A love with so many layers. A love that was started by the love between my husband and I (conception), that I have known from the very beginning of its existence (a positive pregnancy test). From faint flutters to rib kicks, to brutal and bloody labor, and then you blink and it’s been nearly a decade (my firstborn turns 9 this year) and you realize it’s all just the very beginning. Whoa. That is a heavy love. The love you can have for someone that you created from scratch.
I love how earnest I feel about motherhood. How I can be idealistic about each coming season of parenting, and also be humbled and learn about myself and become capable of adapting when those imagined seasons actually come to fruition and don’t go as planned. I am growing into myself as I parent. And that’s a gift. I love it.
Thank you for this piece and this prompt!
I like this take!
This is so lovely and i wholeheartedly agree!
I am by far the happiest I have been in my life right not as a mom. I love it and i do feel the little prickle of shame at admitting that. Kids are just such a joy. What's more motherhood has sustained me! At the saddest time in my life, when my dad was dying, I remember thinking "but I will still have these rays of sunshine from my boys even when he dies. I'll still laugh and smile every day." And it was true.
❤️❤️❤️
Loved this article! I also have the sense that all the mom tropes/negativity may be a predominantly (but of course not entirely) American phenomenon? I say that having lived in a number of places (for example, France), where being a mom is one part of your identity, alongside being a partner/lover, friend, worker, etc. Not necessarily the be-all/end-all, such that women are as defined by it in a way. Surely the access to real maternity leave, universal child care, etc. is a factor, as is (in many societies in Asia and Africa) the higher prominence of extended family/community structures, but it's something to consider...
As for me, it always feels a bit selfish to admit but my main motivating factor in becoming a mother was the desire to experience what seems like a pretty singular and defining part of the human experience. Of course that's not to suggest that one can't experience a full and bountiful life without being a mother, but it's just...I don't know...different. I wanted to experience and understand that.
And here I am 10.5 years later! I take so much joy in what others have mentioned - the cuddles, the laughs, the unconditional love. I also love the way in which I'm (continuously) learning patience, gaining greater understanding of myself as a person and getting to witness not only the physical but also the emotional growth of a child - he actually personifies growth mindset for me, in the best possible way.
More tangibly though? The thing I love most is travelling together and introducing the world to him. He's super adventurous and also a foodie - truly the best travel companion!
Love this! And agree that this may be a uniquely American phenomenon. I do think we tend to take things to extremes ;)
I agree that it’s a cultural issue, my experience is that in Latin America the joy/happiness brought by motherhood is the prevalent narrative
Thank you! I enjoy having kids SO much. Are parts hard? Yes. But watching a little person discover the world is already so incredibly FUN! Also watching their personality develop, what are they going to like and dislike? We also get the opportunity to raise a little human being who I want to hang out with! I get to raise a little boy to be a man who is empathetic, an equal partner to women, regardless of who he may choose to spend his life with. I get to raise a little girl to know her worth and to not settle. I also will hopefully get to raise people who I get to hang out with until I die! We both still love spending times with our siblings and parents, so I can't imagine not doing that.
I seriously just enjoy this. Their happy faces in the morning, the new words and skills that they learn. I find so much joy in it and I love to talk about it.
Thank you! And yes, it's an amazing opportunity to raise the next generation to do and be better than we have!
Oh this is so lovely. I've been struggling with how to write about Mother's Day because it is indeed SO complex - but how freeing to just stop and acknowledge the JOY! When my kids look me in the eyes and tell me they love me and that I'm the best mom ever, I literally don't need anything else in this world. When I think back on memories over the past decade as mom of 3, the amazing adventures we've had, the hilarious stories that we'll keep telling forever, the dance parties and snuggles and the sense of "awe" they bring to everyday life... I can't imagine it any other way.
At the same time, with elderly parents, a disabled brother, and no family around to help, it's also the hardest time of my life. I really appreciate separating out the fact that out society has failed caregivers from the act of mothering and caring. I love being a mom; it's our societal lack of support, gender inequity and focus on individualism and productivity are the true thieves of joy. That's what's missing from the mainstream conversation!
Thank you for this comment, Anna! You summed up what I was trying to say so well!