It’s My Birthday: Should I Get Botox?
On the high cost of “anti-aging”
It’s my birthday, and I’m offering a special discount: 44% off annual subscriptions! The special will run through the end of the month because I’m a big fan of dragging out birthday celebrations as long as I can! Paid subscribers get an extra Home Economics each month, plus they are entered into a monthly giveaway. And they can feel warm and cozy knowing they’re supporting a women-run media company that’s not backed by creepy billionaires.
This is probably too long1 and one of those essays that could have definitely used a good editor—I miss you Yael, Caroline, and Maura. A big thanks to Ken for his careful read. If you find any typos, it means I was tinkering with the piece up ’til the last minute!
Be sure to scroll to the very end because there are some fun announcements and more discounts in the Random Extras section!
I’m not celebrating a milestone birthday this year, but I’m now solidly settled into my 40s.
So far, I haven’t really enjoyed this decade, and I’m frustrated! A lot of very cool women I admire promised me that turning 40 would be life-changing. I was going to finally enter my “no fucks” era. But guess what? I still give all the fucks! I might even give more fucks than I did when I was 25 and I thought knew everything. (You can ask my former colleagues; I was insufferable!) Plus now I have wrinkles and pimples, and (no duh) my metabolism isn’t what it once was. When does the fun start?
I turned 40 during the period of the pandemic when we still weren’t really socializing with others, especially not indoors. Ken and my wonderful friend Vanessa threw me the sweetest Zoom surprise party, which included so many wonderful friends. It felt like Hollywood Squares meets This Is Your Life, which are references to two TV shows that debuted well before my time, but I’m sure some of you younger readers will have no clue what I’m talking about. (Google it.)
I loved that party, but I hate Zoom. I also hate Microsoft Teams and FaceTime and Google Meet. There is nothing worse than sitting in meeting after meeting after meeting seeing your face reflected back at you out of the corner of your eye. I don’t know who looks good on a video call, but it is not me.
Perhaps I would feel more “Fuck yeah, 40s!” if I didn’t come into this stage of life in a time where we have to see our reflections so frequently. Maybe I should have been leaning into beauty filters this whole time? But recently, I’ve been wondering if I need more serious cosmetic help. Is it time to invest in Botox/fillers/fill-in-the-blank procedure so I will look younger?
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I hate my face2. The lighting in my bathroom is quite forgiving, and most of the time, I feel fairly satisfied when I look in the mirror. Sure, the creases around my mouth look deeper some mornings, and my hair is graying at the temples. But I mostly think I look good. Pretty even. But then a Zoom call will leave me second-guessing all of it.
It’s depressing to admit how much time I spend thinking about this, scrolling through photos on Instagram looking at friends and friends of friends and women I don’t even know and wondering if they’ve had Botox. Maybe you think I’m nuts and totally vain, but I truly worry that the wrinkles in my forehead might be a career liability. And there’s data to back up my concern.
Women hit their peak earning potential at 443 and see a decline from there. And a 2023 survey from AARP of Americans 40 and older found that 41% experienced age discrimination in the past three years. With stats like that, I can’t help but wonder if spending money on products and services that make me look more youthful could be an investment in my future earning potential?
I might want to stick my head in the sand, but I may have to come to terms with the fact that invasive cosmeceuticals have become a de rigueur for women of a certain age and socioeconomic status. Am I a fool to think I can buck this trend?
Because here’s the thing: I really, really don’t want to spend the money on cosmetic procedures to “fix” my face. I hate the way I look on Zoom, but I also hate the idea of shelling out thousands of dollars for someone to stick a needle in my forehead every three months until I die. It would be just my luck that I end up with a crummy doctor who fucks up my face! But also, it all just sounds so painful!
I’m haunted by what writer Alissa Bennett shared with
in Feed Me’s Ultimate Beauty Black Book:“The brutal truth is that we are all either going to get older or drop dead, and the only way to head off the mischief that time plans to play across your face is to reconcile that after 40, we all require regular electronic exorcisms with a dermatologist who knows what they’re doing. Once a year, I submit myself to a single over-priced treatment (one that often requires a prophylactic blend of valium and Percocet) and I see where it takes me…. Each experience was more painful than the last, but I continue on this fool’s errand for the simple fact that doctors do not lie when they promise that you can electrocute your face back into something familiar.”
I just don’t think I’m willing to suffer for beauty like this! I’m a delicate flower!
In doing research for this piece, I reached out to my friend and former Refinery29 colleague Jessica Cruel, who is now the editor in chief of Allure. As the head of a beauty publication, Cruel has access to the very best dermatologists and skin care specialists and is able to receive many of the most expensive cosmetic procedures for free or at a deep discount—so of course she has enviable skin. (I’ll add that she was always gorgeous!)
Cruel is also quick to admit that society puts unrealistic pressure on women to stay looking young, and that Instagram makes things worse. In 2017, then-Allure editor in chief Michelle Lee announced the magazine would no longer use the term “anti-aging,” and Cruel has continued that during her tenure. But that doesn’t mean Allure’s beauty editors have stopped writing about LED light-therapy masks or line-smoothing serums. Cruel tells me that skin care continues to be one of their most popular topics, and she doesn’t see that changing anytime soon.
“Diet trends and skin care trends are mostly linked,” she says. “We’re seeing a boom in cosmetic surgery right now because of the boom in Ozempic. Those things are tied together.”
And that makes sense, right? You get thin, so of course you want to also fix your face. And your hair. But once you start, you’ve got to keep going. I can’t get Botox next week and then never get it again. It requires semi-annual visits to the dermatologist to maintain that smooth forehead. And people are spending thousands a year as a result.
calls this the “Hot Girl Hamster Wheel,” and she’s talked about this phenomenon on her podcast and in her newsletter, Money with Katie. “Every single dollar that you spend [on the beauty industry] is functioning like a commitment to spend even more in the future,” she says.As a 20-something, she was regularly spending money on eyelash extensions, gel manicures, spray tans, and visits to the salon to have her hair cut and colored. When she did a deep dive into her finances, she realized she was spending between $300 and $400 a month. Playing around with an investment calculator, she figured out that if she redirected that money into an investment account, she’d have more than a million at retirement.
Tassin decided to go cold turkey and give up participating in the beauty industrial complex pretty much all together.
“I feel so unfavorably about the beauty industry and how it’s changing our relationship with ourselves that I decided I don’t want my energy and my money to further entrench those things,” she says. “I never want a woman to look at my face and be like, ‘Wow, so wrinkle free! I should get Botox.’”
Of course, Tassin is just 29, and I gently tease her that she might feel differently in 10 years. We joke that in a decade I’m going to have to update this article to inform the world that she’s gotten Botox. I promise I wouldn’t judge Tassin if she did! She argues that people don’t necessarily care about her appearance because she’s a writer and podcast host, but we both acknowledge that the societal pressure to look youthful and put together is very intense.
“We don’t learn to care about these things by accident,” Tassin says. “We receive signals every single day that every time you leave the house, how you look matters, and you should care about being beautiful.”
I haven’t even touched on the intersectional issues of the beauty industry. Tassin brings up something she read in Mikki Kendall’s book Hood Feminism: Black women are held to even higher standards, and society sends a loud message that not conforming to Western beauty conventions is a referendum on their respectability. It’s rage-inducing when you start Googling for examples, like when a young Black news broadcaster in Mississippi was fired after wearing her hair in a crown braid on air. But it’s not just Black women with high-profile jobs facing discrimination: A 2019 survey from Dove found that 80% of Black women have changed their hair to fit in at the office.4
“We live in a very sexist and ageist society,” says
when we chat by phone. She’s a leading voice in the anti anti-aging movement5, and I knew I wanted to talk to her for this essay. But then, in my research ahead of our call, I realized she’s frequently interviewed by women over 40 who are working through their feelings about their wrinkles. She assured me that she never gets tired of the topic, even if it can be uncomfortable to talk about.DeFino throws cold water on my idea that investing in cosmeceuticals could be good for my career. Unfortunately, she hasn’t found any data that proves that spending money on anti-aging products prevents women from facing age discrimination at work. And there can be some pretty devastating financial implications for participating, she says.
“I would argue that the point of beauty culture—and anti-aging culture in particular—is a way of controlling women,” she says. “And it uses up so many resources—your time, your money, your energy, your brain space.”
While pretty privilege is real—the concept that attractive people earn more money and have more successful careers—it only takes women so far, DeFino says. “Sexism and misogyny are rampant no matter how young or old you look. And a lot of women receive a lot of backlash and judgment for participating in these beauty behaviors, too.”
Basically, no amount of anti-aging products and procedures will save us from misogyny.
So if you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, what do you do?
I don’t have the answer. After I talked to all three women, I realized that I hadn’t interviewed anyone over the age of 40 for this piece. I reached out to a Substack writer who has written about her decision not to use Botox anymore and asked her if she had time to talk to me. In the note I dashed off, I explained I’m turning 44 and looking to speak to someone else closer to my age, because everyone I spoke to was under 40.
She wrote back and told me she is 38. 😬
Yes, I was mortified6. But it also made me realize that I probably already missed the boat! Women are investing in these procedures at a younger and younger age. Nearly every publication from The New York Times to Vogue has reported on the rise of “preventative” Botox.7 I should have started in my 30s!
It’s probably just as well I didn’t get to interview this writer because she may have given up Botox, but she participates in a lot of other expensive and invasive anti-aging procedures, which I discovered when I ponied up for a paid subscription to her newsletter. Truly not judging, just stating a fact.
Reading so many articles about the anti-aging industry has left me feeling awful. I’m probably simply fucked because nothing I’ve seen has convinced me I should invest in these procedures, but also I live in a world where my peers are spending thousands to look younger, and I can’t let go of the worry that I should be, too. DeFino may be right that it’s not a good investment, but it’s really hard to stand up to peer pressure.
Needless to say, I was relieved to read the interview between Sam Baker and author Taffy Brodesser-Akner where they both shared that they don’t do Botox. I had been reluctant to read the piece because the intro included Brodesser-Akner talking about how much she loves her 40s, and I felt a little jealous—she has an amazing career, and she feels comfortable in her own skin! The dream!
But frankly, I need more aging mentors. I asked Cruel to share who she follows in the “aging gracefully” space (for lack of a better term), and she sent me the Instagram accounts of a few stunningly beautiful women with gray hair and no wrinkles. I wasn’t surprised, but I was disappointed. It’s the same problem that I have with a lot of the mom-focused fashion influencers, who are simply too skinny and wealthy to be relatable. And I’m thin! Just not as thin as I was in my pre-baby days.
Maybe I just have to be my own inspiration (blech) and be a good role model for women like Tassin. I too don’t want people to look at my face and feel like they need to get Botox, or whatever. I want to believe that I have enough self-confidence to not engage in trends that don’t align with my values. DeFino points out that the popularity of these cosmetic procedures has resulted in celebrities all having a sort of eerily ageless, 30-something face, so that Kylie Jenner and the Real Housewives all kind of look the same age.
I don’t want to look like everyone else. And I keep trying to figure out who I would be getting this work done for? I’m not actively trying to attract the male gaze (sorry, Ken). I honestly feel a bit of relief that I’m aging out of the “sexual object” era of my life, and I can go to a work event and talk to a man without worrying much that he’s going to hit on me. So many women loved that scene with Kristin Scott Thomas in Fleabag when she promised us that with menopause comes the freedom to just be. That sounds fucking great.
But the other thing I can’t let go of is that, ultimately, it is a privilege to age. Why do we try so hard to erase it from our faces? I know too many friends who’ve faced cancer diagnoses over the past five years, and it depresses me to think how many more of us will get sick in the coming decades. DeFino points out that the beauty industry grossly tries to send the message that wrinkle-free skin is somehow connected to your health and well-being, but that’s simply not true. Yes, you should wear sunscreen, but cosmeceuticals aren’t going to help you live longer.
DeFino’s mom was diagnosed with cancer at 598, and I asked her if that experience has influenced how she feels about all of this. She tells me she’s never valued the beauty industry’s anti-aging imperative, but her mom getting sick has impacted her work and made her even more aware of how our obsession with youth invades every part of our lives. Most recently, DeFino found herself looking for a birthday card for her mom, and all of the cards for women made jokes like, “You don’t look a day over 29” or “It’s OK to lie about your age.”
“It was just like this rush of emotion where I was sobbing in the aisles of Target, feeling like, ‘How is this our culture?’” she says. “I know my mother would give anything to just live—to be as old and wrinkling as possible.”
I think about my own Nanna who lived to be 92. She loved to get her hair and nails done and always cared a lot about how she looked. As a child, I loved few things more than the feeling of her wrinkled cheek on mine when we hugged, and getting to take a deep inhale of her unique scent, a mix of her Chloe perfume, pressed powder, and coffee.
And I think of my own mom, now in her mid-70s, who is both so chic and so strong. She gave up her skinny jeans well before I did and thinks nothing about wrestling with my 8-year-old. Her impressive career as a pharmacist included lots of detours and a few breaks as she raised two kids and supported my dad in his own career. But she hit her peak earning potential as chief of pharmacy in her 60s, and thankfully, she reminds me regularly of just how young I am.
Maybe sharp angles are considered more beautiful, but we can’t deny the comfort of softness. We may worship at the altar of youth, but we can’t deny the power of wisdom that comes with age. I could spend thousands to have everything nipped and tucked and injected in an effort to slow the march of time. But I’m pretty convinced it’s not for me. These lines across my face are hard won—from raising a child, sustaining a marriage, building a career, and laughing with friends. I don’t think I want cosmeceuticals to wipe them away completely, lest I forget how much I’ve accomplished—and how far I still have to go.
At least that’s what I’m saying this morning. Check in again after my next Zoom meeting.
Please comment with kindness. It is my birthday after all!
Random Extras
A big thank-you to Argent for hosting our get-together last week! (Pictures coming soon!) It was so lovely to get to meet readers IRL. Erika and I throw one heck of a party, just saying—so stay tuned for more in the new year! And Argent is so kind as to extend a special discount to Purse readers. You can use the code THEPURSE15 to get 15% off in-stores and online. Enjoy!
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Last but not least, a reminder that paid subscribers are automatically entered in a monthly sweepstakes. November’s prize is a copy of Maggie Mertens’ book, Better Faster Farther, and a Some Lines A Day five-year journal.9
I had so many conversations and read so many essays in preparation for this piece; it was impossible to include it all. I want to thank my friends Ali, Amy, Anne, and Issy for offering a lot of inspiration, to
for sharing her amazing piece on the topic, and my mom-friend group chat for a hilarious conversation about Zoom filters.In Nora Ephron’s hilarious essay "I Feel Bad About My Neck," she writes that it's dangerous to engage in this topic because it creates an awkward situation where others feel like they need to reassure you that you do in fact look great, or else risk offending you by insinuating that yes, in fact you are looking older. Please don't feel like you need to reply to this email telling me I don't look at day over 35!
This 2019 piece by Leah Donella from Codeswitch is a very good overview of this topic. And this 2020 piece from Axios offers a good review of the federal fight against hair discrimination in the workplace.
Last year, DeFino published the transcript of an interview on her Substack between herself and a celebrity with a skincare line. There are so many gems in the interview that I couldn't possibly include them all in this essay, but I highly recommend you reading. Big thanks to Claire, the Purse reader who first shared the interview with me.
There are few things more embarrassing than assuming someone is older than they are. Number one is assuming they are pregnant; insulting their ex and then finding out they got back together is number three.
These articles really piss me off because the reporters never seem to find doctors who say preventative Botox is unnecessary, and none of the dermatologists disclose how much they earn each year from offering these procedures. You better believe that it's a goldmine for dermatologists.
The sweepstakes is limited to readers within the U.S. It closes at 11:59 p.m. ET on November 30, 2024. To enter without upgrading to a paid subscription, please reply to this email by 11:59 p.m. ET on November 30, 2024, that you would like to be entered in the sweepstakes. If there are any further questions, simply respond to this email and I will do my best to answer them.
I'm 35 and the anti aging narrative for women drives me truly bananas. Many of my friends get botox and I didn't even realize until recently. The way society/the patriarchy has convinced women the worst thing they can do is age and to spend wild amounts of $ on it makes me so sad. I am not saying I would never do any procedures, but I hope I can hold out mostly because it's depressing. The men in my life spend zero brain space or $ on this - I try to be more like them. Women are always in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. So I also try not to criticize women ever for this.
I'm 42 and the Botox siren is calling, but I have resisted so far and intend to continue resisting! Here's how I rationalize it to myself: Botox/fillers might make me look 10% better. But what would that 10% cost in terms of time, money, energy, and what would I gain from it? Would I have a better career, more money, a better marriage, cooler friends? I'm pretty sure the answer to all those things is a big no. Which makes the whole ordeal decidedly not worth it. When I think about it that way, I'm fine with the lines on my face and the grays on my head, and choosing to spend my time, money, and energy on other things!