Only after her husband quit his day job did their division of labor start to feel fair
Division of Labor No. 14: An illustrator and a basketball coach raising 2 school-aged kids on Cape Cod
I’m beyond excited for today’s edition of Division of Labor featuring the incredible illustrator Mary Catherine Starr and her husband, Ben.
I’m pretty sure I first discovered Momlife Comics, Mary Catherine’s amazing Instagram, via Neha Ruch of Mother Untitled. I was immediately hooked. Not only are Mary Catherine’s illustrations hilarious, but she does an amazing job of tackling the tough topic of the mental load of motherhood with a wonderful wryness and grace. Whenever I read her comics, I want to both laugh and cry, but most importantly, I feel seen. Mary Catherine just gets it.
And of course she brings that realness and hilarity to today’s DoL. It’s a real treat!
Even more exciting than her Division of Labor is the fact that Mary Catherine has a new book, Mama Needs a Minute, and it’s coming out Tuesday, March 11. You can (and should!) preorder! Really, this is a perfect gift for all the moms (and soon-to-be moms) in your life. I can’t recommend it enough!
I’ll let Mary Catherine and Ben take it from here. If you aren’t already following Momlife Comics on Substack and Instagram, you’re missing out!
Name: Mary Catherine Starr
Age: 40
Spouse’s Name: Ben
Spouse’s Age: 41
Relationship Status: Married for approx 5,000 years
Number of children and their ages: We have a five-year-old (kindergartener) and an eight-year-old (second grader).
Your job and how many hours your work per week: I work full-time as a self-employed multi-hyphenate: I’m a graphic designer (I run a design business with my biz partner), artist and creator behind @momlife_comics on IG and Substack, and yoga teacher (I teach two classes per week).
Your spouse/partner’s job and how many hours they work per week: Ben is a former lawyer (state prosecutor) turned entrepreneur, too. He runs his own private basketball training business for high school basketball players. His hours vary week to week, but he probably works 25 to 30 hours per week, on average.
Type of childcare you use: Our kids are (finally!) both at the same school, Monday to Friday, from 8:30 a.m. to 4ish. Outside of that we rely on babysitters and family members, as needed.
How do you split up household responsibilities: My husband left his legal job about 15 months ago, and we’ve come a long way in that time. In the past, I did the majority of the household tasks because he was working two jobs (running his business nights/weekends and working as a prosecutor during the day), and my job was flexible. But now that he’s around more, he’s taken on a lot more of the day-to-day responsibilities, which has been a game-changer (but is, of course, still a work in progress).
We try to split up as much of the household responsibilities as possible, i.e., if I do bedtime, he’s responsible for dishes (and vice versa), but it’s taken a while for us to redistribute many of the tasks, and we’re still working on evening it out. Unfortunately, I still carry a lot of the mental load of the household, but he’s definitely taken on more than ever before, and I’m hopeful that this will continue!
What labor do you outsource? (Nanny, daycare, housekeeper, babysitter, virtual assistant, gardener, or even apps like Instacart for easier grocery shopping)
Cleaning: We have a cleaning company that comes once per month for a deep clean.
Yard: We have a landscaping company who does an annual (basic) fall and spring cleanup and mows our lawn in the summer (every three to four weeks).
Childcare: We have three babysitters on speed dial that we use whenever we both have to work at the same time (or when we want to go on a rare date!).
Virtual Assistant: I have a VA who helps me out for a few hours each month on business-related tasks.
Laundry: Laundry is the bane of my existence. (I do mine and the kids’, and Ben does his own…long story, but you can learn more if you read my book, ha!) About a year ago I hired someone who I call our “Laundry Goddess.” She comes over once per week and just folds/puts away our clean laundry (that we wash/dry and leave for her in baskets). She also does one-off organization/cleaning projects for us every once in a while.
How did you decide who does what: This is often determined by our schedules, which dictate a lot of our family dynamics—I work during the day while the kids are at school, so Ben does a lot of our errands and grocery shopping, or the stuff that can be done during the day. Then he leaves to train in the evenings, so I do a lot of the afternoon/evening parenting and household management tasks.
However, we have very different personalities and skill sets, so some of our tasks are determined by our abilities. For instance, I don’t cook (but I’m great at assembling easy food for our picky kids!), so Ben usually makes the adult meals before he leaves in the evening, and I make the kids’ meals (mostly chicken nuggets, noodles, grilled cheese, and breakfast-for-dinner on repeat).
We’ve also had a lot of STRONG parental preference issues with our kids, so some of these decisions have been made for us simply because we want to avoid meltdowns. (SIGH.) We’ve been working on changing this in order to ease my parenting burden, but again, it’s a work in progress.
Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family: This is really silly, but there’s a piece of advice that I read in Weird Parenting Wins (years ago) that I swear by—it’s for kids with separation issues. When it’s time for you to leave, have your kid push you out of the door instead of walking out yourself. I did this with both of our kids whenever I was leaving (I still do with my son!), and it made things SO much easier. Something about pushing the parent away from them and out of the house makes the kids feel empowered instead of left behind. I tell every toddler parent about it!
Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor: I think we’re on our way. We’re not there yet, but I feel much more hopeful than I did a few years ago. Not to plug my book again, but the entire book is basically about this! How things got SO uneven in our early parenting years, and how we’ve been trying to make our way back to a place of equity ever since.
Anything else you’d like to share? Well, if it isn’t obvious, in our situation, it took Ben QUITTING HIS DAY JOB to start to even out the household playing field. I know this isn’t feasible for most, but what we’ve found is that he simply has to be around more in order to truly be able to take on more of the mental and physical load of parenting and running a household.
My dad (a therapist) always says that in his experience as a parent, it was actually “quantity over quality” that helped him build deep connections with his kids, and I’d have to say that I agree with this; the more you’re around, the more involved you become (and the less pressure you put on the default parent!).
NOTE: I tracked our activities on a Saturday, which is Ben’s longest day of training and the only day I’m home with the kids most of the day on my own, so this isn’t necessarily indicative of our day-to-day balance. Also, I (Mary Catherine) filled this out for both of us so it’s all from my POV and might be different from his…
4:30 a.m.
Mary Catherine: Our five-year-old wakes me up because he’s scared and wants to listen to one of his nighttime meditation stories (shout-out Mrs. Honeybee on Spotify!). He also wants me to sleep in his room, so I spend the rest of the “night” on a mat on the floor in the kids’ room.
Ben: Sleeping (duh).
6:30 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I press snooze on my watch alarm because I am exhausted from being up in the early hours of the morning.
Ben: Ben gets up and goes downstairs to make his coffee. He sits at the kitchen island scrolling on his phone while drinking his coffee [peacefully].
7:00 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I wake up and get out of bed (aka: the mat on the floor in the kids’ room). Our daughter follows me out, and we go into my bed to snuggle for a few minutes. I NEED to get up, but I am SO tired!
7:15 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I finally drag myself (and my daughter, who wants me to stay in bed with her!) out of bed. When I get downstairs, I say the same thing to Ben that I’ve been saying every Saturday morning for the past four weeks (since our daughter’s basketball started):
Ben: Ben drinks coffee while looking at his phone. He sends texts about his upcoming day of work, reads the news, sends out invoices for his training day ahead, etc.
7:30 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I drink a water bottle full of LMNT + water and make my tea (one bag of Tazo Chai with four scoops of Vital Proteins Collagen Peptides and a splash of whole milk). While drinking my beverages, I go into my office and prepare for my yoga class.
Ben: Ben greets our son who just woke up and tells him where I am. (It’s always their first question when they come downstairs in the morning.) Miraculously, our son doesn’t come looking for me!
He makes the kids Cheerios and milk (with Trader Joe’s freeze-dried fruit in it) then goes upstairs to poop. (OBVS.)
8:00 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I emerge from my office and start rushing around to get myself ready because I’m running later than I’d like. Our daughter has decided she’s NOT going to eat the breakfast that Ben made for her, so now I have to make her more cereal while he’s upstairs (in the bathroom).
Ben: Pooping?
8:15 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I quickly eat my breakfast (Fage Total Yogurt with blueberries, shredded coconut, walnuts, and granola), wash my face and brush my teeth, and get dressed.
Ben: Ben showers, gets dressed, and makes our bed. He tells the kids to start getting ready for basketball (which they don’t do because they’re kids).
8:30 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I finish getting myself ready: I put my hair in a ponytail (applying dry shampoo first because it looks a little greasy) and put on mascara, “eye-corrector” for my dark circles, and blush. I put my daughter’s hair up in a ponytail for her and then gather everything I need for teaching.
Ben: Ben gets the kids ready for basketball. Our daughter can’t find her basketball tee, so he has to go help her (and I have to tell him she needs help after she yells at me to help her, of course).
8:40 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I leave to go teach yoga.
Ben: Ben leaves to take the kids to our daughter’s basketball practice.
9:00 a.m.
Mary Catherine: [Teaching yoga]
Ben: [At basketball with kids]
10:00 a.m.
Mary Catherine: [Teaching yoga]
Ben: Ben wrangles the kids into their coats, and they head home from basketball.
10:30 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I leave the yoga studio and head out to run a few quick errands. I go to Whole Foods to return some frames I bought on Amazon (UGH, I KNOW), and then I buy rotisserie chicken, kombucha, raspberries, cherries, salad dressing, and the “healthy” Cheetos (HA!) requested by my daughter. Then I head to Target to return a pair of kids snow boots.
Ben: Ben returns home and makes himself some breakfast/brunch, which he then eats. The kids play happily by themselves because that’s what they do when I’m not home. (KEWL, KIDS!)
11:00 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I arrive back home, and the kids want me for everything the second I walk in the door!
Ben: Ben does the dishes (that he didn’t do last night/on “his” night).
11:30 a.m.
Mary Catherine: I clean off the table and straighten the main areas of the house while fielding requests from the kids:
I make lunch for myself (turkey sandwich) and for the kids (frozen protein waffles, “organic” Cheetos, and cherries).
Ben: Ben gets himself ready and gathers his stuff for his day of training.
12:00 p.m.
Mary Catherine: The kids and I eat lunch.
Ben: Ben leaves to go train basketball.
12:30 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I clean up lunch and get everyone ready to head out the door to take my daughter to “Little Chefs,” a cooking class she’s taking.
Ben: Ben arrives at the gym for his first training session.
1:00 p.m.
Mary Catherine: After dropping off our daughter, I take our son to Michaels Arts & Crafts (his favorite store because he can buy animal and dino figurines there).
Ben: Basketball training (work)
1:30 p.m.
Mary Catherine: At Michaels, I buy frames for some prints I want to hang on the wall and help my son buy a toy with his own money. (He had $18 but only spent $9 because he’s a SAVER! So cute!)
Ben: Basketball training (work)
2:00 p.m.
Mary Catherine: My son and I return home. We play a “battle” game for about 25 minutes (all the pretend play I can handle), and then I do some straightening up while he plays/talks to me.
Ben: Basketball training (work)
2:40 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I get my son ready and then head out the door to get our daughter from her cooking class, where she made brownies. The kids want to eat brownie sundaes, so we go by the store to get ice cream and salad dressing (because the kids will only eat rotisserie chicken for dinner if they have it with Newman’s Own Olive Oil + Vinegar, and they were out at Whole Foods).
Ben: Basketball training (work)
3:30 p.m.
Mary Catherine: The kids and I arrive home to make brownie sundaes because I’M A SUPER-CHILL, FUN MOM WHO HAS NO PROBLEM AT ALL GIVING MY KIDS SUNDAES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. (Really, totally cool with it! I’m fine! EVERYTHING IS FINE!)
Ben: Basketball training (work)
3:45 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I hand the kids their tablets (weekend special!) and sit down next to them to read Happy to Help by Amy Wilson. (I have an IG live interview with her in a few days and need to finish it!) Then I FINALLY shower.
Ben: Basketball training (work)
4:45 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I make the kids turn off their tablets, and they both melt down. Probably because they had small lunches and then huge ice cream sundaes. (BUT THAT’S FINE BECAUSE I’M CHILL LIKE THAT!)
Ben: Basketball training (work)
5:00 p.m.
Mary Catherine: The kids ask me about the holiday game “White Elephant,” and I explain it to them. Now they want to play. I tell them I can’t play with them, but they can play together now, or we can play after dinner. They want to play now, so they come up with their own ridiculous (wonderful) two-person version.
Ben: Basketball training (work)
5:30 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I pour myself a glass of pinot grigio (I’ve been doing a “moist” January so am very excited about my weekend wine!) and make dinner: rotisserie chicken soft taco for me, salad for Ben to eat when he gets home, noodles for our daughter, and noodles, salad dressing, and chicken for our son, who doesn’t end up eating the chicken but instead eats all of the noodles.
Ben: Basketball training (work)
6:00 p.m.
Mary Catherine: The kids and I eat dinner.
Ben: Ben finishes his last training session of the day and heads home.
6:30 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I clean up dinner and pull together Ben’s dinner for him.
Ben: Ben arrives home and jumps in the shower, then comes down and eats dinner.
7:00 p.m.
Mary Catherine: We all play a family game of “White Elephant” where we all “wrap” random things from around the house in paper bags and then draw numbers. The kids love it!
7:50 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I start washing the dishes while listening to the audiobook Eligible by Curtis Sittenfeld. It feels like a mini-vacation.
Ben: Ben takes the kids up to bed.
8:30 p.m.
Mary Catherine: After starting the dishwasher, I clean up the floor, toys, table, and counters.
Ben: Ben gets the kids ready for bed: pjs, brush teeth, read books. Then he sits in their room until they’re both asleep.
9:00 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I FINALLY plant myself on the couch to scroll on my phone for a bit (obviously) and then watch Younger on Netflix (I’m obsessed). I watch until 11:10 p.m. because I am an old pro at Revenge Bedtime Procrastination.
Ben: Ben FINALLY comes downstairs to sit on the couch and do some social media posts about highlights from his day of training.
10:00 p.m.
Ben: Ben lies down on the couch and immediately falls asleep.
11:10 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I cut myself off from watching another episode of Younger and go upstairs to get ready for bed.
11:20 p.m.
Mary Catherine: I read Brooklyn by Colm Toibin in bed until falling asleep around 11:40ish. BIG mistake and will regret this tomorrow.
Ben: Ben wakes up on the couch and, somewhat confused about where he is and what time it is (he was OUT!), he goes up to bed.
Thank you, Mary Catherine and Ben!
Random Extras:
To toot my own horn,1 the paid newsletters this month have been amazing. Heather and Douglas Boneparth brought the laughs and the facts to this fun Extra Credit all about planning a trip to Disney. And the paid edition of Home Economics features an autistic tech worker making $175,000. I heard from so many people how much they enjoyed this one. Don’t forget paid subscribers are automatically entered into our monthly sweepstakes! In February, I’m giving away a copy of Neha Ruch’s new book, The Power Pause, and Fran Hauser’s Reflect and Reset journal.2
Speaking of giveaways, I’m epically behind in picking winners for basically all of them, LOL. It’s on my to-do list this week, so keep your eyes peeled for an email from me!
It feels weird to do, but if you don’t hype yourself, who will?
The sweepstakes is limited to readers within the U.S. It closes at 11:59 p.m. ET on February 28, 2025. To enter without upgrading to a paid subscription, please reply to this email by 11:59 p.m. ET on February 28, 2025, that you would like to be entered in the sweepstakes. If there are any further questions, simply respond to this email, and I will do my best to answer them.
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My favorite one yet. So real and I love all the details. Life is in there. So relatable. Love the toddler pushing you out tip. Mine are older now (15/13/9) but my constant tip is put a 'tiny bed' - aka mat - next to your bed. They can come and sleep there if they need you but they can't wake you up. Has saved my LIFE. And all three regularly sleep in their own beds but they all go through times when they need you and then they have somewhere to go with that need.
Favorite DoL yet! I loved all the details (and the illustrations) and related to so, so much (even though my kid is younger) - the parental preference, the daily husband reminders, the extra-long bathroom breaks (it's somehow 30 minute showers for us?!) 🫠 Also loved the "toddler pushes you out the door" tip - going to try this week!