Hi! I just wanted to add a response from "Divorced in Colorado" (as some of you have called her in the comments!): I am loving the conversation happening in the comments. It's so interesting to see what people think. Every woman's financial situation is complex and unique. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer.
For example, it was interesting to me that one commenter said, "Keeping the family home after a divorce is a mistake a lot of women make." She stated this as though selling the family home is the one "right" answer for everyone. I don't think this is true.
In my case, for example, keeping my home allowed my youngest child to finish elementary school in the same school he had attended since kindergarten -- which would not have been possible had I been forced to sell my home and move, likely outside the school's attendance boundaries.
Another thing that influenced me to keep my home was that several years before my own divorce I was friends with a recently divorced mother who had moved into a rental apartment with her children. The first place she could afford was small and one child ended up sleeping on the couch. The landlord was a nightmare. A hailstorm broke one of the windows in the apartment and she had to tape cardboard over the hole because it took the landlord months to get the window replaced. She ended up moving from place to place as rents kept rising. She eventually moved out of the school district and I lost touch with her. When I looked back, I did not want that kind of instability for my kids.
Keeping my home also allowed my oldest child to come home and live with me for a year when he was questioning whether or not a college degree was worth it. He took a job doing manual labor during that year. He also paid me (nominal) rent. Eventually, he decided that going back and finishing his degree made sense. Some students take a year off college for all sorts of reasons and never make it back to graduate. The fact that I was able to provide a home for him while he figured it out made it much easier for him to return to school and finish his degree.
Older people on fixed incomes who can't afford rising rents are making up an increasing share of the homeless population (see https://www.wsj.com/story/homelessness-rises-among-older-people-as-housing-costs-increase-a05036d2 ). Knock on wood, at least as long as I can keep up with my mortgage, that won't be one of the problems I have to deal with. As another commenter said, having a home that's worth several hundred thousand dollars is "not nothing."
Every financial decision a person makes ripples out in so many different ways across their lives. What seems like the "right" decision at the time may turn out to be the "wrong" decision in hindsight -- or it may turn out to be a better decision than they could possibly have imagined at the time.
First off, thanks to her for her candor, and huge congratulations to her for being a single mom and raising her children to be self-sufficient, as well as for navigating through an emotionally and financially traumatic divorce without filing bankrukptcy and losing her house! But obviously, it's unfortunate that she has to continue to feel financial stress at a time in her life when she should be able to think about taking a breath and planning to downshift. So, so many Americans are living under similar stress. All I can offer is my hope that her mother is able to live out her life without requiring any expensive care, and that she's able to eventually use her (and her mother's) home equity to find a very affordable home in a nice area and give herself more of a financial cushion for the retirement she deserves. All the best.
I love this woman, and hate that this is the reality for so many. I’m also so impressed with her college scholarship searching skills and would take a class from her on this topic! Would love to read more from women managing on their own, especially with moderate to lower incomes.
This is some of the most honest, realistic financial advice I have heard. I am reading this at a time when my situation feels very one-step-forward-three-steps-back so I appreciate the openness. Would love to send some DoorDash $$ as a thanks for your time!
Agree with so many of the positive comments about this strong woman! After a quick review of her bills, I’d recommend she drop (like a hot potato) the life insurance and put that in your IRA/savings. You need to take care of YOU now and your kids need that LESS than you need the $1800/yr. Best of Luck to you!
What you said about generational wealth flowing backwards when you’re from an underprivileged background really stuck with me. I’m very much from a privileged background where when the grandparents die, that money often skips the kids generation and goes straight to the grandkids, and in turn supports the grandkids in their 20’s and 30’s when they need it most. I’d never thought about the opposite of that and just how much of an impact that has in terms of generational wealth and families being able to pull themselves out of poverty. Thank you for your candor it’s been an incredibly insightful read.
Thank you, dear writer, for being brave enough to share about your divorce and financial picture. My mom is in a somewhat similar situation having divorced at 55 (she is now 64). My two sisters and I are financially independent, and she will have a small pension from a past teaching career, which helps. I do still worry about end-of-life care for her and have considered taking out long term care insurance on her behalf (she says it's too expensive, but I also sense a general reluctance to address future planning). I remember at the time of their divorce she did not want to ask for any part of my dad's (small) retirement savings as she'd been a stay-at-home mom for much of her life and didn't want any further ties to him. I encouraged her to advocate for herself and she did end up receiving half of his savings as a small emergency fund. I think the divorce illuminated for me the importance of having a clear financial picture and contingency plans (though I do not personally have a prenuptial agreement I do see their value). I also think it sheds light on the struggles of making ends meet as a single person vs. part of a couple. (Though a recent report from the National Association of Realtors home buying trends shows home ownership increasing for single, Gen-Z LGBTQ individuals, and that nearly one out of three Gen Z buyers are single females. https://www.nar.realtor/newsroom/millennials-reclaim-position-as-largest-group-of-home-buyers). There are myriad advantages to being in a two-income household. Watching my mom shoulder the cost of a small mortgage on her own has helped me recognize certain advantages of sharing financial burdens. It still boggles my mind, though, when I have friends in their mid-to-late forties whose names are not on their homes and/or who do not have any stake in shared assets. Though they could likely never imagine getting divorced, life happens. In our home I manage all of our finances but have quarterly check-ins with my husband to share our portfolio's progress and he has access to and is listed on each of our accounts. I'm also very aware that I am likely to outlive my husband. He is seven years older than I am and in good health, but that does seem to be the trend in general. All this is to say that marriage and finances are complicated and while there is no one right way to approach them, I think it would behoove women to fully understand their finances, have access to all shared accounts, and know their worth now and in the case of divorce.
This was a tough one to read, but I am very inspired by the efforts she went through to make sure her kids graduated from college debt-free, which is also a goal of mine.
Just wondering if it's an option for her, and possibly her mom to sell their homes and downsize now? Even if now is not an "ideal" time market-wise, it might be worth it stress-alleviation-wise it if it could give each of them a fair amount of financial breathing room, especially if it's feasible for them to even move in together, which might alleviate at least some of the anxiety about possible future elder care needs...
Sending lots of 🤗🤗 and 💚💚💚 to Divorced in Colorado. I could feel her stress and wanted to relay she is doing the best one could possibly do in the situation.
So grateful to this strong woman for sharing her story! She has taken a difficult situation and made the best possible outcome for herself and her family.
I wonder if she's considered or explored selling her home and purchasing a smaller home or condo? Now that her kids have grown and moved out, there isn't a need to hold onto the childhood home any longer. I see quite a few properties in the Denver area that are priced under $300K that she could purchase outright with the remaining equity from her current home, which would free up a huge monthly expense that could be put towards retirement. Plus, if it was possible to rent out one of the rooms in the short term on airbnb or to a grad student, that could be another source of short term revenue! Sending good vibes her way.
Lindsey - love the idea of adding tax information to these posts, especially after just finishing my own taxes. It's still crazy to me how much of my base salary goes towards them, and am also learning about freelance taxes (which tbh made me want to rip my hair out this year and i had 2 pretty straight forward gigs so godbless those who freelance full time!)
I think it would be really interesting to see the taxes that someone like the woman in HE#1 is paying - I know there was a lot of rumbling in the comments, but I think a lot of people would be shocked to see how much she owed!
Thank you to her for her honesty! I hope she feels less financial stress in the future. Also, I love her notes of gratitude for her mother's good health and children's success during the post.
Boy, some of her divorce choices were similar to mine! I decided to stay in the house and bought him out. The very next year was 2008 and the value of the house plummeted. Even if I wanted/needed to sell, I couldn’t as I was underwater. It took well over a decade to go back up, but it didn’t even reach what it had been in 2007. (Of course its value skyrocket in the last few years but by then, I had finally sold it.)
I also didn’t ask for spousal support. I did that becuz he kept saying he should get it instead since I made more than him. I was so afraid he’d pester me for ever I said I wanted it off the table for either of us.
I don’t know how I survived paying that mortgage for nearly 13 years. It would have been wiser to sell and get a small condo or something, but I do think wanted my son to grow up there. I managed to do it but I’m sure I’d be in much better shape today if I hadn’t.
I love this edition of Home Economics. I have been sole proprietor business owner for 30 years now and when I think about how much I have paid in taxes and health care, it makes my head spin. I also pay high local real estate taxes. My strategy (and I offer this to others) is to pay off the car, drive it until it dies; buy a house you can afford, pay it off; learn to love your own cooking, eat with friends; in short, modest incomes require modest habits. BUT, you can flourish in your creative and business life and put away money you earn. I am turning 65 this year. While many friends are living a comfortable retirement, I love my work and sleep at night because I do not place value on status or wealth. I also paint and write. No kids. Divorced. I do truly understand the terror of growing old without resources. I believe it works out if we are honest with ourselves and No.4 is truly someone who is that.
I appreciate this. I think it's similar to reality for many people. My parents also divorced when my sisters and I were in college & high school, and my mom negotiated to keep the house. I'm not sure that was the best financial move for her, and similar to this writer, she had very little savings and figured she could never retire...also tricky because she had a chronic illness, so keeping health insurance was always a source of stress. I talked to her about selling the house several times, but she pointed out that after refinancing, her mortgage was less than rent would be. Home maintenance sure suffered, though. In the end, Mom died unexpectedly at 64, so her retirement nightmares never had a chance to come true. I still shudder to consider what could have happened.
I am also interested in tax information; I live in a state with no income tax, but very high property taxes and sales taxes. It makes for a different picture.
Hi! I just wanted to add a response from "Divorced in Colorado" (as some of you have called her in the comments!): I am loving the conversation happening in the comments. It's so interesting to see what people think. Every woman's financial situation is complex and unique. I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all answer.
For example, it was interesting to me that one commenter said, "Keeping the family home after a divorce is a mistake a lot of women make." She stated this as though selling the family home is the one "right" answer for everyone. I don't think this is true.
In my case, for example, keeping my home allowed my youngest child to finish elementary school in the same school he had attended since kindergarten -- which would not have been possible had I been forced to sell my home and move, likely outside the school's attendance boundaries.
Another thing that influenced me to keep my home was that several years before my own divorce I was friends with a recently divorced mother who had moved into a rental apartment with her children. The first place she could afford was small and one child ended up sleeping on the couch. The landlord was a nightmare. A hailstorm broke one of the windows in the apartment and she had to tape cardboard over the hole because it took the landlord months to get the window replaced. She ended up moving from place to place as rents kept rising. She eventually moved out of the school district and I lost touch with her. When I looked back, I did not want that kind of instability for my kids.
Keeping my home also allowed my oldest child to come home and live with me for a year when he was questioning whether or not a college degree was worth it. He took a job doing manual labor during that year. He also paid me (nominal) rent. Eventually, he decided that going back and finishing his degree made sense. Some students take a year off college for all sorts of reasons and never make it back to graduate. The fact that I was able to provide a home for him while he figured it out made it much easier for him to return to school and finish his degree.
And now, even though I won't pay off my mortgage until I am 91, I essentially have a "rent-controlled" place to live. Rents are rising at ridiculous rates across the country (see https://www.axios.com/local/denver/2023/02/08/denver-rents-rise-end-2022 and https://www.jchs.harvard.edu/blog/six-takeaways-americas-rental-housing-2024#: ). One thing I don't have to worry about at the moment is my "rent" rising so high I have to find a new place to live.
Older people on fixed incomes who can't afford rising rents are making up an increasing share of the homeless population (see https://www.wsj.com/story/homelessness-rises-among-older-people-as-housing-costs-increase-a05036d2 ). Knock on wood, at least as long as I can keep up with my mortgage, that won't be one of the problems I have to deal with. As another commenter said, having a home that's worth several hundred thousand dollars is "not nothing."
Every financial decision a person makes ripples out in so many different ways across their lives. What seems like the "right" decision at the time may turn out to be the "wrong" decision in hindsight -- or it may turn out to be a better decision than they could possibly have imagined at the time.
First off, thanks to her for her candor, and huge congratulations to her for being a single mom and raising her children to be self-sufficient, as well as for navigating through an emotionally and financially traumatic divorce without filing bankrukptcy and losing her house! But obviously, it's unfortunate that she has to continue to feel financial stress at a time in her life when she should be able to think about taking a breath and planning to downshift. So, so many Americans are living under similar stress. All I can offer is my hope that her mother is able to live out her life without requiring any expensive care, and that she's able to eventually use her (and her mother's) home equity to find a very affordable home in a nice area and give herself more of a financial cushion for the retirement she deserves. All the best.
I love this woman, and hate that this is the reality for so many. I’m also so impressed with her college scholarship searching skills and would take a class from her on this topic! Would love to read more from women managing on their own, especially with moderate to lower incomes.
This is some of the most honest, realistic financial advice I have heard. I am reading this at a time when my situation feels very one-step-forward-three-steps-back so I appreciate the openness. Would love to send some DoorDash $$ as a thanks for your time!
Agree with so many of the positive comments about this strong woman! After a quick review of her bills, I’d recommend she drop (like a hot potato) the life insurance and put that in your IRA/savings. You need to take care of YOU now and your kids need that LESS than you need the $1800/yr. Best of Luck to you!
What you said about generational wealth flowing backwards when you’re from an underprivileged background really stuck with me. I’m very much from a privileged background where when the grandparents die, that money often skips the kids generation and goes straight to the grandkids, and in turn supports the grandkids in their 20’s and 30’s when they need it most. I’d never thought about the opposite of that and just how much of an impact that has in terms of generational wealth and families being able to pull themselves out of poverty. Thank you for your candor it’s been an incredibly insightful read.
Thank you, dear writer, for being brave enough to share about your divorce and financial picture. My mom is in a somewhat similar situation having divorced at 55 (she is now 64). My two sisters and I are financially independent, and she will have a small pension from a past teaching career, which helps. I do still worry about end-of-life care for her and have considered taking out long term care insurance on her behalf (she says it's too expensive, but I also sense a general reluctance to address future planning). I remember at the time of their divorce she did not want to ask for any part of my dad's (small) retirement savings as she'd been a stay-at-home mom for much of her life and didn't want any further ties to him. I encouraged her to advocate for herself and she did end up receiving half of his savings as a small emergency fund. I think the divorce illuminated for me the importance of having a clear financial picture and contingency plans (though I do not personally have a prenuptial agreement I do see their value). I also think it sheds light on the struggles of making ends meet as a single person vs. part of a couple. (Though a recent report from the National Association of Realtors home buying trends shows home ownership increasing for single, Gen-Z LGBTQ individuals, and that nearly one out of three Gen Z buyers are single females. https://www.nar.realtor/newsroom/millennials-reclaim-position-as-largest-group-of-home-buyers). There are myriad advantages to being in a two-income household. Watching my mom shoulder the cost of a small mortgage on her own has helped me recognize certain advantages of sharing financial burdens. It still boggles my mind, though, when I have friends in their mid-to-late forties whose names are not on their homes and/or who do not have any stake in shared assets. Though they could likely never imagine getting divorced, life happens. In our home I manage all of our finances but have quarterly check-ins with my husband to share our portfolio's progress and he has access to and is listed on each of our accounts. I'm also very aware that I am likely to outlive my husband. He is seven years older than I am and in good health, but that does seem to be the trend in general. All this is to say that marriage and finances are complicated and while there is no one right way to approach them, I think it would behoove women to fully understand their finances, have access to all shared accounts, and know their worth now and in the case of divorce.
This was a tough one to read, but I am very inspired by the efforts she went through to make sure her kids graduated from college debt-free, which is also a goal of mine.
Just wondering if it's an option for her, and possibly her mom to sell their homes and downsize now? Even if now is not an "ideal" time market-wise, it might be worth it stress-alleviation-wise it if it could give each of them a fair amount of financial breathing room, especially if it's feasible for them to even move in together, which might alleviate at least some of the anxiety about possible future elder care needs...
Sending lots of 🤗🤗 and 💚💚💚 to Divorced in Colorado. I could feel her stress and wanted to relay she is doing the best one could possibly do in the situation.
So grateful to this strong woman for sharing her story! She has taken a difficult situation and made the best possible outcome for herself and her family.
I wonder if she's considered or explored selling her home and purchasing a smaller home or condo? Now that her kids have grown and moved out, there isn't a need to hold onto the childhood home any longer. I see quite a few properties in the Denver area that are priced under $300K that she could purchase outright with the remaining equity from her current home, which would free up a huge monthly expense that could be put towards retirement. Plus, if it was possible to rent out one of the rooms in the short term on airbnb or to a grad student, that could be another source of short term revenue! Sending good vibes her way.
https://www.redfin.com/city/5155/CO/Denver/filter/property-type=house+condo+townhouse,max-price=300k,include=forsale+construction,viewport=41.19424:38.4569:-102.41309:-107.52173,no-outline
Lindsey - love the idea of adding tax information to these posts, especially after just finishing my own taxes. It's still crazy to me how much of my base salary goes towards them, and am also learning about freelance taxes (which tbh made me want to rip my hair out this year and i had 2 pretty straight forward gigs so godbless those who freelance full time!)
I think it would be really interesting to see the taxes that someone like the woman in HE#1 is paying - I know there was a lot of rumbling in the comments, but I think a lot of people would be shocked to see how much she owed!
Thank you to her for her honesty! I hope she feels less financial stress in the future. Also, I love her notes of gratitude for her mother's good health and children's success during the post.
Boy, some of her divorce choices were similar to mine! I decided to stay in the house and bought him out. The very next year was 2008 and the value of the house plummeted. Even if I wanted/needed to sell, I couldn’t as I was underwater. It took well over a decade to go back up, but it didn’t even reach what it had been in 2007. (Of course its value skyrocket in the last few years but by then, I had finally sold it.)
I also didn’t ask for spousal support. I did that becuz he kept saying he should get it instead since I made more than him. I was so afraid he’d pester me for ever I said I wanted it off the table for either of us.
I don’t know how I survived paying that mortgage for nearly 13 years. It would have been wiser to sell and get a small condo or something, but I do think wanted my son to grow up there. I managed to do it but I’m sure I’d be in much better shape today if I hadn’t.
I love this edition of Home Economics. I have been sole proprietor business owner for 30 years now and when I think about how much I have paid in taxes and health care, it makes my head spin. I also pay high local real estate taxes. My strategy (and I offer this to others) is to pay off the car, drive it until it dies; buy a house you can afford, pay it off; learn to love your own cooking, eat with friends; in short, modest incomes require modest habits. BUT, you can flourish in your creative and business life and put away money you earn. I am turning 65 this year. While many friends are living a comfortable retirement, I love my work and sleep at night because I do not place value on status or wealth. I also paint and write. No kids. Divorced. I do truly understand the terror of growing old without resources. I believe it works out if we are honest with ourselves and No.4 is truly someone who is that.
I appreciate this. I think it's similar to reality for many people. My parents also divorced when my sisters and I were in college & high school, and my mom negotiated to keep the house. I'm not sure that was the best financial move for her, and similar to this writer, she had very little savings and figured she could never retire...also tricky because she had a chronic illness, so keeping health insurance was always a source of stress. I talked to her about selling the house several times, but she pointed out that after refinancing, her mortgage was less than rent would be. Home maintenance sure suffered, though. In the end, Mom died unexpectedly at 64, so her retirement nightmares never had a chance to come true. I still shudder to consider what could have happened.
I am also interested in tax information; I live in a state with no income tax, but very high property taxes and sales taxes. It makes for a different picture.