I have so much to say on this topic especially now that my kids are older (19 and 16)
First off, what other people do or don't do with their money (give allowances or don't) is none of your business and what you do with yours is none of theirs.
Weave the money discussion into everyday activities. We are buying these apples at the grocery store this week because they are on sale, we buy no name items because they are cheaper and that leaves money for other things. Choices that we make impact money and what we can spend it on. When they got a little older and knew some math, we got into do we buy the bigger container for more money or the smaller for less... what is the price per serving so what is the best deal? We showed them our bills so they understood that we pay for electricity, to live in this house, to have the garbage picked up etc. We never did these as 'let's talk about money" now but just as an everyday part of life. When we went to Disney the first time, they each got a gift card with what their allowance was for souvenirs ( they were 7 and 4) and they got to pick where they spent their money. We explained that if they bought one thing, that would take all their gift card or they could buy 2-3 of the smaller things. My son had his card all spent on day 1 and my daughter had money until the last day. We never had to say no and be the bad guy, they had decided how to spend their money and only had themselves to blame if they they felt that they made the wrong choice.
When my daughter got her first tutoring job at 14 and wanted Vans shoes after I had already bought her running shoes, this was a want and not a need and therefore was on her dime. When she realized that she would have to work 4 hours to buy the shoes, she decided that they were not worth that. She continues to do this to this day.
There will always be people with more money and people with less and my kids know and have always known not to compare themselves to others. Some people have nice cars than we do, we prefer to spend our money on experiences than things. We don't judge what they spend their money on as that is their choice and we make ours. If we see unhoused people near a store, we buy them food and water and give it to them on the way out knowing that we do not carry cash or we volunteer at a soup kitchen to help support the community without having to spend the $$
My daughter is in college now- we pay for it 100% (which you will see is even more of a hot topic than allowances ;) If you were to ask her what we taught her about money, she may not go on for long but you will find her meal planning with her sale flyers on Sunday mornings, paying her credit card in full every month, using coupons for 2-1 deals at restaurants, using points programs etc. You really have to make it part of everyday! Also, just like everything in child rearing, what they do or don't do with what you taught them, the values you instilled in them really is out of your control. You just have to trust that you tried your best
Thanks so much for sharing, Sharon! The gift cards for kids at Disney is a great idea. And I completely agree with you, re: not judging other people for their choices. We talk a lot in this house about our own family values and how we might do things differently from others and that's OK. I think it's an important thing to emphasize early on.
Thank you for writing (more elequently) almost exactly what I would have written!🤣 Our kids are now 25 and 29 and very proud when I hear they have no credit card debt (no school loans and are grateful we could do that for them) and money in the bank. Agree that money talk is part of everyday life and age appropriate. We also gave small allowances for their chores. Also set budgets for school clothes and my daughter had to kick in when she wanted the premium jeans or sneakers. It got a bit harder as my career/salary took off and we started taking nice vacations but I never regretted that spend because we valued experiences over a pool in the backyard.
Love this. I think it would be so interesting to talk to adults about the money lessons they got while growing up, what stuck, what didn’t - for example, my parents were very open about how tight our budget was ($50 at target for all my school clothes for the year!), and also taught me how to be responsible with money (including teaching me how to track spending + budgeting). But when I got my first real job and the freedom to buy what I wanted, things spiraled - and telling my parents who had educated me about the dangers of credit cards made me feel a DEEP sense of shame, even when ultimately, talking to them was the start of solving those problems. I also think it’s fascinating to talk to couples who grew up with different relationships to money - my parents always says “no” to things whereas my husband’s parents always said “yes” - and how we negotiate that these days.
This is a topic I love because my husband and so grew up in VERY different financial situations, and we’ve had to talk a lot about which of the lessons we learned growing up we want to share with our kids and where we want to try to do things differently. It’s an ongoing and often difficult conversation. But, unsurprisingly, it’s also helped us be more on the same page with our own finances!
When it comes to chores and allowance, we’ve landed on the stance that we all live in this house, so we’re all responsible for caring for it (therefore, kids have chores). But if you’re old enough to share some of the family responsibilities, you’re also old enough to share some of the family money (therefore, kids get an allowance). This means that chores are mandatory because that work never stops being necessary, but allowance is a privilege that they can lose depending on behavior.
So far it’s working. But as with all things kids and parenting and money, we’ll see if that changes down the road!
Interesting to hear how people approach this! Sounds like you are doing a great job.
After my family immigrated to Canada, money was a huge problem and we were always struggling. Even though my parents were both highly educated, it was a struggle.
My friends were all middle and upper middle class, and it was not clear to them that I wasn't because we never hung out at my house. My parents managed to get me some small things I wanted when I was young, but we could never afford trendy clothes, vacations, restaurants or cool toys. I could count on one hand the number of meals out I had before I was in 16.
They did however try to treat us to small things and told us that money comes and money goes. This was hard, but has really helped me as an adult. They couldn't afford extra curriculars for us, but took us to the pool on the day it was 2$. I love swimming and surf now.
As someone who made it far out of the income bracket I grew up in, I appreciate what I have with so much joy. It is never, EVER lost on me that a full fridge and money to help my family, take vacations, move jobs if I want to, and buy what I want is the ultimate freedom. Only people who have never struggled say "money doesn't buy happiness". Let me tell you, yes - it absolutely does. It buys FREEDOM.
Anyhoo, your son sounds like he is learning the value of $.
I have found a lot more conversations arising with my kids since going through a divorce. Obviously it had financial repercussions or at least it does while we sort out financial matters and pay lawyers way too much. But I also think it is a good opportunity for them to understand that money isn’t infinite and how much things cost. Most recently I talked to them about the taxes I owed (ouch!). Evidently one of them shared that with their therapist who said: wow your mom sure talks a lot about money! I’m not sure if that was an admonishment but I think a bit more openness about money and how it fuels their lives is helpful so they aren’t so caught off when they are adults. My kids are 11 and 13 and obviously it needs to be age appropriate.
Cindy, I think it's great you're talking to your kids about money through all of this. And LOL to the therapist! But I agree, having the tools to have these conversations are so important!
I have this book I got when my kids were little by Beth Kobliner that promised to make your kids smart about money. When I read it I was bookmarking sections I would come back to that I'd hit every age and stage. What is crazy is how the book is already outdated in terms of how you pay for things and what kids pay for. There are actually lots of places nowadays that don't even take cash! And what are the best practices gift cards the kids receive but you don't want them to use right away/use on stupid shit? On top of this my parents have money and we and therefore the kids benefit from this. I struggle with finding a way to express to the kids that having their house/school/healthcare/food paid for is WAY more important and what counts as financial security rather than having an apple watch or the latest Jordans or a ton of cash etc or other ways they see money being spent and how that's a privilege but just b/c you're privileged doesn't mean you shouldn't also work hard.
Oh man, Claire. I agree with this SO much. I feel like kids and gifts might be a whole other newsletter topic to tackle (at the holidays maybe?). I don't know how you teach kids the importance of hard work. I'm sort of hoping it's hereditary, LOL. Though I'm also not sure I want to raise a 3rd generation workaholic!
oh absolutely not. my dad wants to take them to see a 2 hour doc about a priest on Monday (Catholic dads gonna dad) and I said no, they work too hard to not deserve an actual day off and this movie is clearly history/religion class.
I would love to have you write more about this topic! I would love to hear how other parents navigate it and ways that it might be approached depending on the age. I am particularly fascinated with how to instill the value of money when the large portions of transactions are invisible. Thanks for such a thoughtful column!
Anytime I read about parents with older kids I keep looking at my 16 month old saying, it's about the get even more complicated than this. We just got him to sleep on his own. Today potty training. Tomorrow allowance. I guess it's safe to say it doesn't get any easier. Thanks for introducing me to GoHenry!
I loved reading this piece so much. My 1 year old is still far from asking for anything other than a snack, but my 5 year old has started asking tough questions and this really resonated. Will definitely be re-reading as I overthink every answer I give my son.
Thanks for writing such an open and thoughtful piece! I am childfree by choice but I find it fascinating to learn about how parents navigate the hugely complex world of parenting. I've also found it really interesting to reflect on my own upbringing in terms of money and how it affected my choices once I became an adult (it's been a journey!!)
This isn’t meant to be judgmental or snarky - I love your insight and appreciate that you are being vulnerable here in sharing about your son… When you mentioned your high expectations for him with regard to navigating money and that you brought him to McDonald’s for a treat, and that he sees you shopping at Target, I wondered if there is an opportunity there to discuss what it means to give your money to places like chain restaurants and megastores and the implications of getting something cheap vs. buying things that cost more but might last longer, be healthier, support community, or be better for the environment. I’m guessing those are the values you generally live by and want to engrain in him, but the McDonalds and Target trips are the kid satisfying outliers that might be more present in his awareness.
Well now that's a whole 'nother level of discussion, isn't it? This is something we struggle with as adults. (Can't imagine trying to model it for a child.) My husband and I both prefer more expensive, long-lasting and sustainably crafted items from Patagonia, but our budget leans toward cheaper, middling-lasting but serviceable items from Target. It can be hard to have black and white values on this, since it's also important to be realistic and responsible with our money. I say "responsible" knowing it has many meanings in the context of money management.
Absolutely - for budgetary reasons I just shopped at Target for some storage solutions for my FIL’s closet. It’s a daily balancing act to keep sustainably first. I know it’s a big conversation to have with kids, but I believe I benefited from being around my grandparents and great-grandmother regularly as a small child with regard to this, because they had lived through the Depression and WWII… so maybe it’s more a case of teaching by example as opposed to having a verbal conversation.
I think there are two distinct aspect to money I always worry about teaching my kid: the act of managing finances and the relationship you want to have with money. I think it’s probably a LOT easier to teach how to manage money (with lots of coaching and real world experience) and a LOT harder to move towards a healthy, respectful relationship with money.
Not sure if you’re familiar with Dana Miranda of Healthy Rich but I think Dana does a fantastic job of untangling how our insecurities and fears show up in the way we think about money.
I'm very pleased I saved this post to read when I had more time! I love the kids allowance chat – it's something I mull over often with my own children, and think (massive caveat) that I may have instilled some pride in the way they spend and save their money. While I don't necessarily love their wide eyed excited response they have at seeing their increasing bank balances (particularly after birthday money comes in), it is interesting to see how they decide to spend it. My 13 year old is very keen on the re-sale value of items she purchases which is probably brilliant on a multitude of levels, and my 11 year old son is very conscious of not doubling up on similar items (which so many of us are guilty of... how many pairs of mid blue jeans do I really need...?).
You've inspired me to write something on this on my own page in the not too distant future, with a focus on the disparities of allowance given to children. It's a topic that isn't talked about widely in my circles for so many reasons, but I'm excited to open pandora's box!
First off, I loved the column, Lindsey. It’s obviously a topic near and dear to my heart. I’m glad you wrote about this. Your piece and the discussion down here in the comments are both thought-provoking.
I agree with the top commenter among others who said everyone’s choices are their business.
I obviously talk a lot to my 10-year-old daughter about money and have almost every day for the past two years. Money is such a critical component in every facet of our lives so I’d feel irresponsible as a father if I didn’t teach her everything I can about money.
I also don’t give an allowance. Instead, I invest regularly for her and educate her every step of the way on the value of committing to that habit. I show her accounts, mine and hers. We talk openly about bills, cost vs. value, delayed gratification, stock as gifts over material stuff and more.
Basically, anything that has to do with money., we’re having regular, candid conversations now so that she will not only be prepared but also ahead as an adult.
I have so much to say on this topic especially now that my kids are older (19 and 16)
First off, what other people do or don't do with their money (give allowances or don't) is none of your business and what you do with yours is none of theirs.
Weave the money discussion into everyday activities. We are buying these apples at the grocery store this week because they are on sale, we buy no name items because they are cheaper and that leaves money for other things. Choices that we make impact money and what we can spend it on. When they got a little older and knew some math, we got into do we buy the bigger container for more money or the smaller for less... what is the price per serving so what is the best deal? We showed them our bills so they understood that we pay for electricity, to live in this house, to have the garbage picked up etc. We never did these as 'let's talk about money" now but just as an everyday part of life. When we went to Disney the first time, they each got a gift card with what their allowance was for souvenirs ( they were 7 and 4) and they got to pick where they spent their money. We explained that if they bought one thing, that would take all their gift card or they could buy 2-3 of the smaller things. My son had his card all spent on day 1 and my daughter had money until the last day. We never had to say no and be the bad guy, they had decided how to spend their money and only had themselves to blame if they they felt that they made the wrong choice.
When my daughter got her first tutoring job at 14 and wanted Vans shoes after I had already bought her running shoes, this was a want and not a need and therefore was on her dime. When she realized that she would have to work 4 hours to buy the shoes, she decided that they were not worth that. She continues to do this to this day.
There will always be people with more money and people with less and my kids know and have always known not to compare themselves to others. Some people have nice cars than we do, we prefer to spend our money on experiences than things. We don't judge what they spend their money on as that is their choice and we make ours. If we see unhoused people near a store, we buy them food and water and give it to them on the way out knowing that we do not carry cash or we volunteer at a soup kitchen to help support the community without having to spend the $$
My daughter is in college now- we pay for it 100% (which you will see is even more of a hot topic than allowances ;) If you were to ask her what we taught her about money, she may not go on for long but you will find her meal planning with her sale flyers on Sunday mornings, paying her credit card in full every month, using coupons for 2-1 deals at restaurants, using points programs etc. You really have to make it part of everyday! Also, just like everything in child rearing, what they do or don't do with what you taught them, the values you instilled in them really is out of your control. You just have to trust that you tried your best
Thanks so much for sharing, Sharon! The gift cards for kids at Disney is a great idea. And I completely agree with you, re: not judging other people for their choices. We talk a lot in this house about our own family values and how we might do things differently from others and that's OK. I think it's an important thing to emphasize early on.
Thank you for writing (more elequently) almost exactly what I would have written!🤣 Our kids are now 25 and 29 and very proud when I hear they have no credit card debt (no school loans and are grateful we could do that for them) and money in the bank. Agree that money talk is part of everyday life and age appropriate. We also gave small allowances for their chores. Also set budgets for school clothes and my daughter had to kick in when she wanted the premium jeans or sneakers. It got a bit harder as my career/salary took off and we started taking nice vacations but I never regretted that spend because we valued experiences over a pool in the backyard.
Thank you! And congrats on being able to help your kids w/ college. That's amazing and a goal of mine, too!
Love this. I think it would be so interesting to talk to adults about the money lessons they got while growing up, what stuck, what didn’t - for example, my parents were very open about how tight our budget was ($50 at target for all my school clothes for the year!), and also taught me how to be responsible with money (including teaching me how to track spending + budgeting). But when I got my first real job and the freedom to buy what I wanted, things spiraled - and telling my parents who had educated me about the dangers of credit cards made me feel a DEEP sense of shame, even when ultimately, talking to them was the start of solving those problems. I also think it’s fascinating to talk to couples who grew up with different relationships to money - my parents always says “no” to things whereas my husband’s parents always said “yes” - and how we negotiate that these days.
Yes, couples navigating different upbringings can be really complicated! It's definitely an issue in our house though I didn't touch on it here!
This is a topic I love because my husband and so grew up in VERY different financial situations, and we’ve had to talk a lot about which of the lessons we learned growing up we want to share with our kids and where we want to try to do things differently. It’s an ongoing and often difficult conversation. But, unsurprisingly, it’s also helped us be more on the same page with our own finances!
When it comes to chores and allowance, we’ve landed on the stance that we all live in this house, so we’re all responsible for caring for it (therefore, kids have chores). But if you’re old enough to share some of the family responsibilities, you’re also old enough to share some of the family money (therefore, kids get an allowance). This means that chores are mandatory because that work never stops being necessary, but allowance is a privilege that they can lose depending on behavior.
So far it’s working. But as with all things kids and parenting and money, we’ll see if that changes down the road!
Thanks, Katharine! I love your take on allowance and chores! Smart!
I LOVE that take! Two distinct things!
Interesting to hear how people approach this! Sounds like you are doing a great job.
After my family immigrated to Canada, money was a huge problem and we were always struggling. Even though my parents were both highly educated, it was a struggle.
My friends were all middle and upper middle class, and it was not clear to them that I wasn't because we never hung out at my house. My parents managed to get me some small things I wanted when I was young, but we could never afford trendy clothes, vacations, restaurants or cool toys. I could count on one hand the number of meals out I had before I was in 16.
They did however try to treat us to small things and told us that money comes and money goes. This was hard, but has really helped me as an adult. They couldn't afford extra curriculars for us, but took us to the pool on the day it was 2$. I love swimming and surf now.
As someone who made it far out of the income bracket I grew up in, I appreciate what I have with so much joy. It is never, EVER lost on me that a full fridge and money to help my family, take vacations, move jobs if I want to, and buy what I want is the ultimate freedom. Only people who have never struggled say "money doesn't buy happiness". Let me tell you, yes - it absolutely does. It buys FREEDOM.
Anyhoo, your son sounds like he is learning the value of $.
Thanks so much for sharing this! Couldn't agree with you more that money buys freedom. And congrats on your success!
Thank you 😮💨
I have found a lot more conversations arising with my kids since going through a divorce. Obviously it had financial repercussions or at least it does while we sort out financial matters and pay lawyers way too much. But I also think it is a good opportunity for them to understand that money isn’t infinite and how much things cost. Most recently I talked to them about the taxes I owed (ouch!). Evidently one of them shared that with their therapist who said: wow your mom sure talks a lot about money! I’m not sure if that was an admonishment but I think a bit more openness about money and how it fuels their lives is helpful so they aren’t so caught off when they are adults. My kids are 11 and 13 and obviously it needs to be age appropriate.
Cindy, I think it's great you're talking to your kids about money through all of this. And LOL to the therapist! But I agree, having the tools to have these conversations are so important!
I have this book I got when my kids were little by Beth Kobliner that promised to make your kids smart about money. When I read it I was bookmarking sections I would come back to that I'd hit every age and stage. What is crazy is how the book is already outdated in terms of how you pay for things and what kids pay for. There are actually lots of places nowadays that don't even take cash! And what are the best practices gift cards the kids receive but you don't want them to use right away/use on stupid shit? On top of this my parents have money and we and therefore the kids benefit from this. I struggle with finding a way to express to the kids that having their house/school/healthcare/food paid for is WAY more important and what counts as financial security rather than having an apple watch or the latest Jordans or a ton of cash etc or other ways they see money being spent and how that's a privilege but just b/c you're privileged doesn't mean you shouldn't also work hard.
IDK, Lindsey can you just talk to them for me??
Oh man, Claire. I agree with this SO much. I feel like kids and gifts might be a whole other newsletter topic to tackle (at the holidays maybe?). I don't know how you teach kids the importance of hard work. I'm sort of hoping it's hereditary, LOL. Though I'm also not sure I want to raise a 3rd generation workaholic!
oh absolutely not. my dad wants to take them to see a 2 hour doc about a priest on Monday (Catholic dads gonna dad) and I said no, they work too hard to not deserve an actual day off and this movie is clearly history/religion class.
I would love to have you write more about this topic! I would love to hear how other parents navigate it and ways that it might be approached depending on the age. I am particularly fascinated with how to instill the value of money when the large portions of transactions are invisible. Thanks for such a thoughtful column!
Ooh, a look by age is a great idea. Thanks, Jennifer!
Anytime I read about parents with older kids I keep looking at my 16 month old saying, it's about the get even more complicated than this. We just got him to sleep on his own. Today potty training. Tomorrow allowance. I guess it's safe to say it doesn't get any easier. Thanks for introducing me to GoHenry!
Congrats on getting Myles to sleep on his own! That's huge!
I'll be excited to read your letters to Myles about money once he starts asking! :)
I loved reading this piece so much. My 1 year old is still far from asking for anything other than a snack, but my 5 year old has started asking tough questions and this really resonated. Will definitely be re-reading as I overthink every answer I give my son.
Thanks for writing such an open and thoughtful piece! I am childfree by choice but I find it fascinating to learn about how parents navigate the hugely complex world of parenting. I've also found it really interesting to reflect on my own upbringing in terms of money and how it affected my choices once I became an adult (it's been a journey!!)
Thanks, Kiri! I think it's a journey for everyone no matter how you are raised.
Love the new website!!
Thank you!
This isn’t meant to be judgmental or snarky - I love your insight and appreciate that you are being vulnerable here in sharing about your son… When you mentioned your high expectations for him with regard to navigating money and that you brought him to McDonald’s for a treat, and that he sees you shopping at Target, I wondered if there is an opportunity there to discuss what it means to give your money to places like chain restaurants and megastores and the implications of getting something cheap vs. buying things that cost more but might last longer, be healthier, support community, or be better for the environment. I’m guessing those are the values you generally live by and want to engrain in him, but the McDonalds and Target trips are the kid satisfying outliers that might be more present in his awareness.
Well now that's a whole 'nother level of discussion, isn't it? This is something we struggle with as adults. (Can't imagine trying to model it for a child.) My husband and I both prefer more expensive, long-lasting and sustainably crafted items from Patagonia, but our budget leans toward cheaper, middling-lasting but serviceable items from Target. It can be hard to have black and white values on this, since it's also important to be realistic and responsible with our money. I say "responsible" knowing it has many meanings in the context of money management.
Absolutely - for budgetary reasons I just shopped at Target for some storage solutions for my FIL’s closet. It’s a daily balancing act to keep sustainably first. I know it’s a big conversation to have with kids, but I believe I benefited from being around my grandparents and great-grandmother regularly as a small child with regard to this, because they had lived through the Depression and WWII… so maybe it’s more a case of teaching by example as opposed to having a verbal conversation.
I think there are two distinct aspect to money I always worry about teaching my kid: the act of managing finances and the relationship you want to have with money. I think it’s probably a LOT easier to teach how to manage money (with lots of coaching and real world experience) and a LOT harder to move towards a healthy, respectful relationship with money.
Not sure if you’re familiar with Dana Miranda of Healthy Rich but I think Dana does a fantastic job of untangling how our insecurities and fears show up in the way we think about money.
Yes! This! 100% agree! And yes, I love Dana's work!
I'm very pleased I saved this post to read when I had more time! I love the kids allowance chat – it's something I mull over often with my own children, and think (massive caveat) that I may have instilled some pride in the way they spend and save their money. While I don't necessarily love their wide eyed excited response they have at seeing their increasing bank balances (particularly after birthday money comes in), it is interesting to see how they decide to spend it. My 13 year old is very keen on the re-sale value of items she purchases which is probably brilliant on a multitude of levels, and my 11 year old son is very conscious of not doubling up on similar items (which so many of us are guilty of... how many pairs of mid blue jeans do I really need...?).
You've inspired me to write something on this on my own page in the not too distant future, with a focus on the disparities of allowance given to children. It's a topic that isn't talked about widely in my circles for so many reasons, but I'm excited to open pandora's box!
First off, I loved the column, Lindsey. It’s obviously a topic near and dear to my heart. I’m glad you wrote about this. Your piece and the discussion down here in the comments are both thought-provoking.
I agree with the top commenter among others who said everyone’s choices are their business.
I obviously talk a lot to my 10-year-old daughter about money and have almost every day for the past two years. Money is such a critical component in every facet of our lives so I’d feel irresponsible as a father if I didn’t teach her everything I can about money.
I also don’t give an allowance. Instead, I invest regularly for her and educate her every step of the way on the value of committing to that habit. I show her accounts, mine and hers. We talk openly about bills, cost vs. value, delayed gratification, stock as gifts over material stuff and more.
Basically, anything that has to do with money., we’re having regular, candid conversations now so that she will not only be prepared but also ahead as an adult.