Division of Labor No. 7: An author/editor and a university administrator raising two small kids in Charlottesville, Va.

Doing *all* the errands before a family vacation

Welcome to The Purse, a newsletter about money and women and motherhood and careers and all that good stuff!

Hello! I hope everyone in the U.S. had a good 4th of July weekend. I was texting with some mom friends this week, and there was a general consensus that it was good but long. Holiday weekends don’t hit quite the same way when you’re a parent. I remember one glorious summer when my kiddo was little and my office was closed on July 3 but his daycare was open. I took myself out to see Wonder Woman. It was maybe the first movie I ever saw alone but not the last. That’s actually become one of my favorite self-care activities: solo moviegoing. 

Suddenly, we’re half way through July and smack dab in the middle of 2024. I find it hard to do any kind of midyear self-reflection. It takes all my willpower to stay at my desk all day and not sneak off to the beach, so you can forget about doing any real planning for the back half of the year.

Before we dive into this week’s Division of Labor, just a reminder about this month’s paid reader giveaway. I’m teaming up with my friend Alison Morris Roslyn, founder of Francey Not Fancy. We’re giving away a Summer in a Bottle prize pack, which includes all four wines in Wölffer Estate’s Summer in a Bottle lineup: Summer in a Bottle White, Summer in a Bottle Long Island Sauvignon Blanc 2023, Summer in a Bottle Long Island Rosé, and Summer in a Bottle Côtes de Provence Rosé. Upgrade to paid and sign up for Francey Not Fancy's free newsletter, One Thing About Wine, to win.¹ And a big congrats to Tahani Daugherty for winning last month’s prize (and a huge thank you for being a paid subscriber)!

Today’s DoL features author Katharine Schellman and her husband, Brian. Katharine just published her a new novel, The Last Note of Warning and has another one coming out in August. Brian is a university administrator. They have two kids and live in Charlottesville, Va. I’ll let Katharine and Brian take it from here.

Name: Katharine Schellman
Age: 37
Spouse’s Name: Brian
Spouse’s Age: 37
Number of children and their ages: O. (age 7.5) and H. (age 2.5)

Your job and how many hours you work per week: I work full time, generally split between my two jobs. I’m a novelist (I write historical mysteries), and I also do editing/fact-checking work for a media company that owns several magazines and websites. Both are (generally) done from home on a (generally) flexible schedule. I aim for 40 hours of work time per week, but depending on the time of year and our available childcare, I am sometimes squeezing both jobs into 30ish hours, including evening and weekend time. Combined, the two jobs could take up far more than 40 hours per week, but I’ve learned to be very efficient with my (limited) work time. I also travel for book events, conferences, and festivals, especially when I have a new book come out.

Your spouse’s job and how many hours they work per week: Brian is a university administrator who works in data management and institutional research. He works full time as well and needs to be in the office three to five days per week, depending on his meeting schedule and the time of year (some seasons in the academic calendar are much busier than others). Like me, he will also do evening and weekend hours if necessary, depending on how our childcare/other responsibilities have shaken out for the week.

Type of childcare you use: Our toddler, H., is in daycare three days a week. Daycare days are generally 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., including a 15-minute drive each direction (about an hour of driving total each day). We love our daycare. It’s the same one that O. went to, so we’ve had a kid there for almost seven years. My fourth book was dedicated to the center director.

Either Brian or I watch H. the other two days; right now, it’s more often me, but Brian takes days with her when he doesn’t have meetings scheduled. It really varies depending on whose work is in a busier season. Sometimes, we’ll split the day half-and-half. Usually, one of us will take her to stay-and-play at our local Y for two hours, get a workout in, then work in the lobby for whatever time is remaining. Other times, the parent with her will need to do errands like grocery shopping, so she’ll come along for that. She generally naps for two hours in the afternoon, so whoever is on with her can get more work done then, too.

Our elementary schooler, O., has a different schedule during the school year than he does in the summer. During the school year, he’s on the bus at 7:30 a.m. and off the bus at 2:30 p.m. After school, we tend to team up with other parents to share childcare responsibilities. A few days a week, he’ll have a friend come home with him, and they’ll entertain each other while the parent-on-duty (more often me right now, but frequently Brian) can either do work or housework. One or two days a week, he’ll go home with a friend; we try to time that with days that H. is in daycare so we have full coverage for the whole day. At least one afternoon a week, he’s just home with one of us. We generally use that day for chores, and he’ll often find a neighbor kid or two to play with once he’s done.

During the summer, O. does camps, which are booked week by week. Some weeks are half days, others are full days—it just depends on the camp we’ve signed him up for. On half-day weeks, we try to schedule time with friends in the afternoon, though that’s harder to arrange than during the school year. On full-day weeks, we’ll pick him up around the same time we get H. from daycare. When he’s home, one of us has to be the parent-on-duty.

How do you split up household responsibilities: We’ve settled into an unofficial split on most things. For housework, we both have things that we are more often responsible for. Vacuuming is generally my thing; cleaning bathrooms is Brian’s. Brian does most of the meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking; I’m more likely to clean up the kitchen or get the dishwasher loaded/unloaded. We both wash and fold laundry. I mostly buy the kids’ clothes and book summer camps or swim lessons (though we consult on timing); Brian’s does most of the Target runs and yard mowing. Whoever can most easily take a morning off will handle things like car maintenance and oil changes. Most of our bills are on autopay; Brian generally keeps track of the ones that aren’t, while I handle our investments and savings. I tidy and organize more at home, but that’s a choice I make because I find it satisfying. 

We both handle childcare, bathtimes, bedtimes, weekend mornings, packing lunches, playdates, doctor’s appointments, parent-teacher conferences, planning visits to grandparents, etc. And we often take turns with things to give each other a morning to sleep in or extra work hours on the weekend. 

We also do our best to bring our kids into housework. For H., this is still informal; we’ll get her to help us with small chores like setting the table. O. has more formal chores: He has to pick up and vacuum his own room once a week; take the trash, recycling, and compost bins to and from the curb on trash days; vacuum the dining room after dinner every day or two; make his bed every morning; and put away his own laundry. 

The mix is deliberate: We want him to have some chores that are about managing his own things, some that are about contributing to the household, and some that are basically cleaning up after someone else (the toddler is the reason the dining room needs to be vacuumed so frequently). He’s also expected to help out with other things when we ask, like clearing the table or picking up the playroom. Both kids are expected to do recurring tidying like bussing their own dishes after meals and putting away shoes/jackets/backpacks when they come home.   

What labor do you outsource? We pay for daycare three days a week and have a family membership at the Y that comes with on-site childcare (you can drop a child off for up to two hours at a time). We occasionally have babysitters, though not often. (They’re expensive!) Other than that, there’s not really anything we outsource. Sometimes it would be nice to outsource more, especially during our busy work seasons. Generally, though, we just slack on nonessential housework when things get busy and catch up when they’re calmer. We do order takeout or pizza sometimes instead of cooking, but not regularly.

How did you decide who does what: Some of it is based on who is less bothered by a chore; Brian doesn’t like vacuuming, and I don’t like cleaning bathrooms. We can both cook, but Brian likes it more than I do. Laundry is never-ending, so we both do that.

We don’t have a strict division on things, though; we’re very willing to take things off each other’s plates. If I want to go to bed early instead of handling the kitchen, for example, I’ll just say so, and Brian will do it. If a bathroom needs to be cleaned before friends come over but Brian has a meeting, he’ll tell me that, and I’ll do it instead. Neither of us would ever tell each other, “No, that’s your job; I won’t do it.” We wouldn’t want our kids to say it to us, so we won’t say it to each other. 

Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family: One of the most helpful things we’ve done is to make sure teachers and other parents know to communicate with both of us, not just with me. When we put our family in the directory for O.’s school, for example, we put Brian’s contact information, rather than mine. We do group texts with other parents about playdates or after-school childcare, and we always put both of us on messages to teachers. And we have a shared Google calendar that everything goes on.

Oh, and we also prioritize time off and hobbies! We both actively encourage the other to take time to meet up with friends or go out for evening/weekend activities. It makes both of us much happier, which in turn makes the hard parts of parenting and work feel much more manageable.

Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor: 

Katharine: I think it’s very fair. Someone always does more or less on a given day; Brian will often have a stricter work schedule during the week, for example, but I have work travel and he doesn’t. Overall, though, things even out. We both put a lot of effort into being aware of what the other is doing so we can make sure things stay as equal as possible. We also verbally acknowledge and express appreciation for those times when the other one is doing more, which I think helps a lot. 

Brian: I think we do very well, all things considered. In terms of activity, I think we have a very equitable split overall. But Katharine does more of the mental and planning work, especially when it comes to the kids: keeping track of doctor’s appointments, signing up for summer camps, buying new clothes when the kids size up, that sort of thing. I try to be aware of that kind of constant invisible labor and make sure it’s recognized and appreciated.

Katharine: Except for meals. I put no effort into meal planning or knowing what’s for dinner. That’s daily mental labor that I’m happy to opt out of. I’ll cook when I need to, but Brian usually has to remind me what to make. It’s great.

Anything else you’d like to share? 

Katharine: It took a lot of work to become aware of and reconcile the different ways we were raised. My siblings and I had regular chores growing up; we were expected to pick up before bed each night, had to cook dinner for the family, etc. Brian did things like mow the yard, but he didn’t have regular chores and never learned to cook until I taught him while we were dating. 

Brian had to become more aware of what needed to get done and how to do it around the house. When we got married, for example, I used to get so frustrated that he never dusted the baseboards when he cleaned. But he didn’t know what a baseboard was or that they needed to be dusted.

I, on the other hand, had to figure out what housework standards actually fit our priorities as a family. Is handwashing every dish that didn’t fit in the dishwasher the best use of my time? Or do I want to leave those for the morning and spend that time together as a couple instead? Brian almost always picks the second option; it took me years to accept that I could, too.

Brian: My main challenge has been to adjust to Katharine’s initiative regarding chores. She cleans things up when she sees that they’re messy, she does laundry before she’s run out of clothes, she works in the yard when she has time to spare. I’m much more of a procrastinator. I don’t think this is necessarily bad, except that it meant that she would do way more chores than me just because she got to them first. 

For the first few years we were married, I would notice this imbalance of labor and rationalize, “Well if she wants things done on her schedule, that’s her decision, and I don’t have to feel bad about that.” But over time I realized that if I wanted a more equal distribution of effort—which I do!—I would have to be more proactive. Between me cultivating some initiative, Katharine loosening up a bit, and most importantly, honest communication between us, I think we’ve gotten to a much better place (though it’s something I’m constantly working on).

Katharine: Ha, me too! I will frequently remind myself, “There is no 6 a.m. tidiness inspector coming. It’s okay if things aren’t pristine when I go to bed.”

Katharine and Brian shared a recent Friday in June.

6:15 a.m.

Katharine: I can hear our 7-year-old, O., getting up. I’m downstairs on the couch because our 2-year-old, H., had a rough night. I’ve had a lot of travel and nights out for work in the last two and a half months (I had a book come out recently, which always means promo events), and it’s made her very clingy and stressed at bedtimes and during the night. The second time she started calling for me last night, we decided that I’d deal with her overnight, and Brian would get up with the kids in the morning. I took the monitor downstairs so he could get uninterrupted sleep. Now, I move upstairs, kiss O. good morning, hand Brian the monitor, and get back in bed.

Brian: O. wakes up super early, as usual, and wanders into our bedroom chatting about whatever is going on in his active kiddo brain. Since Katharine dealt with H. last night I’m on morning duty, so I drag myself out of bed and head downstairs. O. is being picky about breakfast, so I start making bacon and eggs (his favorite). While I’m cooking and prepping lunches, O. watches a show on Netflix.

6:30 a.m.

Brian: Our almost-3-year-old, H., wakes up. She won’t just hang out in her crib anymore, so I immediately have to head up to get her out of bed, get her on the potty, and try to entertain her so she doesn’t go find Katharine. We read, sing songs, and play in her room.

7:00 a.m.

Katharine: H. is clearly up and full of energy because she comes bursting into the room to find me. It’s very sweet, but I don’t object at all when Brian comes to get her and tells me that he’ll check in on me if I’m not up by 7:30 a.m. I go back to sleep.

Brian: In a moment of distraction, H. gets away from me and barges in on Katharine. I manage to convince her to head downstairs with me to check on her brother, and I let Katharine know that she can keep sleeping for a bit longer. I’m able to get both kids to have a good breakfast, and we play for as long as I can keep their attention.

7:25 a.m.

Katharine: I get up and make the bed. O. knocks and tells me he’s been sent to wake me up. He’s clearly had a fun morning with Dad because he’s in a great mood. H. comes running in a few minutes later, and the two of them goof off together and roll around on our bed while I start to get dressed. We send O. to get himself ready for camp, which includes getting dressed and making his bed. Once I’m ready, I get H. dressed, too. I take both kids into their bathroom to brush teeth and hair. Brian asks me to double-check that there’s no swimming for O. at camp today.

Brian: The kids won’t be deterred any longer, and I can’t stop them from rushing upstairs to wake up Katharine. They’re both in incredibly mom-clingy phases. I take this opportunity to finish prepping lunches for both kids and get myself ready. I have a full day of errands to run in anticipation of the vacation we’re going on tomorrow.

8:00 a.m.

Katharine: We didn’t remind O. to vacuum the dining room after dinner last night, so I ask him to do it now. It takes a few promptings to be more thorough, but eventually he does a pretty good job. While he’s doing that, I confirm that he doesn’t need swimming gear, which makes packing his bag easier. Both kids just need their lunches and water bottles today. I make sure everything has the right date on it.

8:15 a.m. 

Brian: We get everyone in the car and head out. First I drop off Katharine and O. near his summer camp so we don’t have to deal with the car line; she’ll finish that drop-off and then walk home. I drive H. to daycare.

Katharine: At camp drop-off, I confirm early check-out procedures with one of the counselors (O. is only staying a half-day today so he can go play with a friend) and say goodbye. I walk home listening to a podcast.

8:30 a.m.

Katharine: I empty the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen from the kids’ breakfast, then make coffee and breakfast for myself.

Brian: I drop H. off at daycare, which is super easy these days. Then I take the car to get an oil change. I drop the car off, then go to a local coffee shop for a morning treat and to do some work while I wait for the car.

9:00 a.m.

Katharine: Brian texts to confirm the order of his morning errands and reminds me to add my updates to the Target list, since he’ll be going there later. I settle in at the dining table to work. We’re heading out of town tomorrow, first to visit my father-in-law and then to spend a week at the beach with friends. I’m trying to get ahead on a number of things.

9:30 a.m.

Katharine: I’m doing an event tonight with a local bookstore and several other authors, so I field a couple of texts to confirm plans. It’s going to be fun, but I don’t feel great about the timing. It will be my third event in less than a week, and this less than two weeks after Brian and I took a five-day trip to Los Angeles (book stuff plus visiting friends) while my parents watched the kids. H. will probably be a mess tonight. Luckily, this is the last event I have for about a month.

After sending the texts, it’s back to work: email, editing, etc.

Brian: I pick the car up and head to my next errand: placing a print order for a bunch of fliers for work. I need to pick them up later today.

10:00 a.m.

Brian: I arrive home and settle in for today’s limited two hours of working time. Thankfully, I got most everything done earlier in the week (including putting in some evening hours), so two hours is enough today.

10:30 a.m.

Katharine: I hop on a call about an event that’s happening in October. It isn’t a long call, so I’m back to work by 10:45 a.m.

11:30 a.m.

Katharine: Brian’s heading out for errands, which will include picking up O. from camp. He asks me to find and text him the number he’ll need to call for early pickup. I do. Then back to work.

Brian: I pick up my print job and drop it off at the office for the person who will actually need the fliers next week while we’re off on vacation. I go straight from the office to pick up O. from his summer camp.

12:00 p.m.

Brian: I arrive at O.’s summer camp way early and just do puzzles on my phone while I wait.

12:30 p.m.

Katharine: I stop work to make lunch and watch some TV while I eat. Afterward, I fold laundry while the episode finishes. Normally this is not a chore I would do during the day. Brian and I typically wait until we have two to three loads of laundry that need to be folded then do it all together while watching a show after the kids are asleep. But we’re going out of town tomorrow morning, and I want to get clothes packed this afternoon, which means laundry needs to get folded now. 

Brian: I pick up O. and drive him to his friend’s house. O. brags about making candy sushi and laments that he didn’t get to stay for the bounce house. What a charmed life you lead, child.

1:00 p.m.

Brian: I meet a friend for lunch. It’s arguably not the best use of my time when we’re getting ready for a big trip, but it’s a welcome break between errands.

1:30 p.m.

Katharine: I move from folding to packing. I still have work to do, but I can work after the kids go down tonight. I won’t be able to pack their clothes then, so that gets prioritized now.

2:00 p.m.

Brian: I finish up lunch and head to Target for my next round of errands. We don’t go to Target often because it’s a good 20 to 30 minutes away, depending on traffic. But we need certain things for a trip that we can most reliably and cheaply get there.

2:30 p.m.

Katharine: I do a quick vacuum, just rugs and hardwood, since I like coming back after a trip to a home without crunchy floors. (I did the bathrooms yesterday.) I’m not deep cleaning anything, and our house isn’t that big, so this only takes 15 minutes. 

Brian calls for a quick consult on some road trip supplies; he noticed I didn’t include gluten-free granola bars, which I usually like having for a trip. I do want them, so I’m glad he checked. He’s still at Target, which means he’s not going to have much time between errands and picking up the kids from playdate/daycare.

Getting ready for my event won’t take too long; I have time to quickly prep the cooler and pool bag so that getting from kid pickups to pool time isn’t too crazy. I’m starting to feel droopy after my highly interrupted night, so I make myself a quick iced coffee (half-caf, very creamy).

Brian: Shop, shop, shop.

3:00 p.m.

Katharine: I do my hair and makeup for my book event tonight. Brian teases me about these events sometimes because on the surface they often don’t sound like work. Tonight, for example, I’m participating in a book-themed trivia night hosted by a local bookstore and brewery as part of another author’s book tour. (There are five authors total who will be there.) So it will be fun and social, but it will also be performative and professional, which can be a tiring balance to strike. I love events, but I usually come home from them exhausted. I should be home early enough, though, that I’ll see both kids before they go to sleep.

While I’m getting ready, I realize that I left a box of books in the trunk of the car. They belong to the bookstore (I was selling inventory for them at another event last weekend), so I need to take them tonight. We only have one car, so I text Brian to find out when he’ll be back from his errands. 

Brian: I finish up at Target. Katharine lets me know that she needs the books that have been living in the trunk of our car, so I do my best to rush home to get those to her in time.

3:30 p.m.

Katharine: Brian’s back with books, my hair and makeup are done, my coffee is done, and my Uber is here. I head out for the evening.

Brian: I get home, deliver the books, unload the supplies, and help get Katharine out the door. After she leaves, I get a 15 minute power nap before I have to go pick O. up from his friend’s house.

4:00 p.m.

Katharine: Arrive at the brewery. Once the bookstore owners arrive, I help them set up book tables and get things ready for the event as the other authors and trivia host arrive.

Brian: I pick O. up, and we go to get H. from daycare. The plan is to then go straight to a local pool to meet up with some friends for swimming and dinner.

4:30 p.m.

Katharine: Trivia tables are filling up. The other authors and I are socializing with readers. I text Brian to wish him cheerful and cooperative children for the evening. This is when my phone goes off; I won’t turn it back on until the event is done. 

Brian: I realize that we left H.’s puddle jumper at home, so I take the kids home. Traffic isn’t bad, so it doesn’t delay us much, and it’s a good time-killer since we were going to be at the pool too early anyway. I run in and grab the puddle jumper, then we go to the pool.

5:00 p.m.

Brian: Pool time with friends! They have a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old, so the idea was that the kids would help entertain each other. This doesn’t work out. I have to be with H. the whole time, because she’s a daredevil who will walk off the diving board the second I look away from her. The other kids don’t spend as much time at the pool as we do, so they require both their parents’ full attention. This unfortunately means O. has to fend for himself a fair bit. It’s overall fine—he’s a great swimmer, and the pool has lots of fun features like a water slide and obstacle course—but I still feel a little bad. I try to check in and watch and give encouragement, but I can tell he needs more attention from someone (me, the other parents, the other kids) than he’s getting. But we have snack bar pizza for dinner, which is a huge hit with everyone.

7:00 p.m.

Brian: The pool closes, and we head home. I let O. watch cartoons while I try to unpack from the pool and start H.’s bedtime.

7:30 p.m.

Katharine: Things are wrapping up; we had great turnout, the bookstore made good sales, and the author who was here for her tour was really pleased with how the evening went. I turn my phone back on to call an Uber and text Brian that I should be home just after 8:00 p.m. 

Brian: Still trying to move through H.’s bedtime. Everything is out of whack since we were at the pool so late. The kids are tired but wound up, routines are out the window, everything is crazy.

8:10 p.m.

Katharine: I get home; both kids are in pj’s but not yet in bed, and they run down the stairs to see me when they hear the door open. I give hugs and kisses and hear about their evening while I ask Brian where we are in the bedtime process. H. wants me to do her bedtime, so I scoop her up to go do that.

Brian: Katharine gets home just in time to help finish H.’s bedtime. I can spend a little time with O. one on one, which I think he needs to help wind down after a very full day. After we hang out for a bit, I get him to start his own bedtime routine.

8:30 p.m.

Brian: Katharine takes over with O., and I start making dinner for the two of us.

Katharine: H. is down, and O. has finished brushing teeth, etc. I read to him in bed, then we have a snuggle and talk.

After I put O. to bed, I find Brian flopped on the couch, exhausted. I finish getting our frozen pizza (Banza chickpea-flour veggie) out of the oven and make a quick salad (basically a "what's in the crisper + lots of feta" sort of salad, with a mustardy vinaigrette dressing that I always make).

9:00 p.m.

Katharine: We sit down to eat and watch a show together.

Brian: Katharine and I have dinner and actually get to see each other and talk and hang out for a bit! I tell her about the evening with the kids; she tells me about her trivia event.

9:30 p.m.

Katharine: We get a few more things ready for the trip to (hopefully) make the morning easier. I had planned to work tonight after the kids went down, but there’s no way that’s going to happen. Between my interrupted night and very full day, I’m too tired. I’ll have to catch up this weekend while we’re visiting my father-in-law.

Brian: After dinner, we do more trip prep. I actually haven’t had time to do any of my own packing yet today. I’ve been running around all day.

10:00 p.m.

Katharine: Brian says he’ll finish cleaning up the kitchen and sends me to get ready for bed. He’s a night owl, so I’m usually asleep an hour or more before he comes upstairs. 

Brian: Katharine heads upstairs, and I stay downstairs to have some alone time. I usually stay up late to get time to myself. It’s not the best life decision, given H.’s current nighttime wakeups and how early the kids are up in the morning, but I do it anyway.

10:30 p.m.

Katharine: I try to read in bed for a little bit but fall asleep quickly.

11:30 p.m.

Brian: I decide to pack it in for the night. I clean up the kitchen and then head upstairs to bed. I get H. up to potty; she doesn’t really wake up for this and goes right back down afterward. This is actually early for me to turn in, but I’m tired, and I know we have a big week of travel and vacation ahead of us.

12:00 a.m.

Brian: I do a few puzzles on my phone before going to sleep. Hopefully, H. will have an uninterrupted night of rest and therefore allow Katharine and me the same.

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Thank you so much, Katharine and Brian! Katharine, I’m so impressed you’ve written so many novels while raising small kids! You’re an inspiration to me!

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