Division of Labor No. 10: Platonic Life Partners Raising a 1-Year-Old Together in Brooklyn
What it’s like to share the load when you’re not married to your co-parent
Note: At the suggestion of a designer friend (hi, Elsa!), I decided to add some photos to Division of Labor posts. It makes for better reading, but it also means the newsletter is now too long, and Google will cut it off if you’re reading it on a web browser. Bummer! Make sure to click through for the full Purse experience, including info on the Giving Circle and the October paid reader giveaway!
Ken was out of town this weekend, and I was solo parenting for four looooong days. It was hard, and now I am tired. It was also a good reminder of how much Ken does for our family and how much easier parenting is when you’ve got a good teammate. Don’t get me wrong: It was really wonderful to get some special solo time with our kiddo. And truly, with an eight-year-old, the caretaking isn’t as intense as it was at age two. But it’s still not easy, and I was very glad when Ken got home Monday night and I could kick back and relax while he prepped our son’s lunch, made coffee for the morning, and did the dinner dishes.
I also missed Ken because I love him, and I like hanging out with him, too. It’s not just about the coffee and lunch-making. Though men who help out around the house are generally more attractive, right? I was talking to a friend over the weekend who was so thrilled when her husband made a comment acknowledging all the work she does for their family that she was ready to have sex with him right then and there. Except they had to go pick up a kid from an after-school activity. Hope it worked out for both of them later. (Also, Dad, have I totally embarrassed you writing about sex? It’s a first for this newsletter! LOL.)
I’ve been thinking about sex and love and marriage because of this week’s Division of Labor, which features Amrita Vijay and Andrew Stephens, friends, business partners, and platonic life partners who are raising a child together in Brooklyn. You might have seen a story by Kayla Levy about them in New York Magazine earlier this year, and Ellie Rineck, host of the podcast A Day in Her Life, also interviewed Amrita over the summer. You can see why their story is getting a lot of attention: It’s not every day that you meet a couple raising kids together who aren’t romantically involved—or who weren't at least romantically involved at one point.
I’m not going to go into too many details of how Amrita and Andrew met and why they decided to have a baby together. Both the podcast and the article do a great job telling their story—and it’s an interesting one! But it’s worth noting that beyond the division of childcare responsibilities, they also share the rent and expenses 50/50. And they track their complicated lives like many of us, by Google Calendar.
Honestly, editing their diary, it struck me how similar it is to every Division of Labor up to this point. Obviously, the couples sharing with Purse readers don’t go into every single detail. No one has revealed how they fit sex and intimacy into their schedule. Heck, none of the couples have even gone on a date. Of course, we are only seeing a single day—and an edited version, at that. As with social media, our lives are more complicated and varied than what’s written in a diary entry.
But Amrita and Andrew’s story left me with two big takeaways: 1) Parenting is so much better when you do it with someone you care about who’s got the same stake in the game as you. And I think that’s true for Amrita and Andrew. And 2) Those of us who are in the trenches of parenthood with someone we are romantically involved with would probably be happier if we added a little more romance to our lives and didn’t just treat each other like friends, roommates, and co-parents.
Maybe this is just a note to myself? But let me know if you agree. And even better: I’d love to hear any advice on how to spice things up. (Though not too many details, please, as we established my dad reads this newsletter!)
Okay, I’m going to let Andrew and Amrita take it from here.
Name: Andrew Stephens
Age: 38
Co-Parent’s Name: Amrita Vijay (Note for context: We are neither married nor romantically partnered. We are close friends who have decided to co-parent together—and currently do so as roommates.)
Co-Parent’s Age: 38
Number of children and their ages: One 16-month-old child
Your job and how many hours your work per week: At the moment, we are cramming multiple full-time jobs into part-time hours! We work together as business and creative partners on most of our projects:
Writing: Our weekly Substack Emergency Contacts reflects on family, art, and community—and our non-traditional setup. We are also developing scripted works and working on a book proposal.
Audio: Don’t Think Twice is a podcast on intimate friendship. Plus, we DJ weekly on internet radio.
Creative consulting: We curate and produce live event programming and special projects—this is our bread-and-butter financially at the moment. We primarily work with large media organizations right now (e.g. The New York Times). In the past, we’ve created events for major performing arts, fashion, and tech brands.
Baby food startup: Along with another friend, we’re currently developing a line of small-batch, savory baby purees in a pouch format called Petite Palates. We noticed a gap in the market as parents and decided to try and fill it! Pre-orders will begin later this fall, and we’re aiming to have the product available for widespread purchase by early next year. Every part of this process has been a steep learning curve but a gratifying one so far.
Your partner’s job and how many hours they work per week: See above
Type of childcare you use: None.
Over the past year, as working artists, we’ve made things work by providing 100% of the childcare ourselves—dividing the parenting, professional, and creative labor between us.
We feel lucky to have spent so much hands-on time raising our child over the past 16 months—but we are both ready for a change. We will need to find a way to bridge the childcare gap until we are eligible to apply for NYC’s no-cost 3K/pre-K options in fall 2026. So, at the moment we are looking at a two-year challenge, with no clear way forward that preserves the right balance of revenue and time.
All this to say: If you were to look up our solution to the childcare issue presently, you’d just find that little “still loading” icon, spinning around and around and around…
How do you split up household responsibilities: We divide up the childcare duties during the day to allow one another a block of uninterrupted work time to use as we see fit.
Although not explicit, we most often take turns on the everyday household tasks like cooking, dinner, and laundry. Andrew enjoys vacuuming/mopping, and so he does more of the deep cleaning, while Amrita is the only one who has ever clipped our son’s nails. Amrita also enjoys more of the household organization.
Fortunately, our preferences around cleanliness and order align, which goes a long way in maintaining balance.
What labor do you outsource? We order groceries online through Amazon Fresh (which regrettably does turn out to be easier and more convenient a lot of the time, although they have a confusing tendency to randomly run out of stock on basic stuff like…broccoli) but take care of household labor ourselves. We’d love help but cannot afford it.
We have some great neighborhood sitters for the occasional evenings when we want to socialize together (or double-book social plans on the same night). We also have a few close friends who are able to come over from time to time and watch our child while we cook dinner or take an important phone call.
How did you decide who does what: When it comes to household tasks, each week is different, but we both do a little of everything.
When it comes to parenting, we made very conscious decisions about sharing our responsibilities.
I (Amrita) would like to add some sidebar commentary here—I think the reason we’ve achieved a relative degree of parity in our division of labor is twofold. First, we started from an initial baseline where Andrew was ready and willing to do 100% of the parenting work; I initially planned to be his surrogate. Circumstances changed, and we decided to co-parent, but in my view, it’s easier to dial back to 50-50 from a starting point of the male partner committing to 100% than how a traditional couple might approach this.
For reference: I read a book—Darcy Lockman’s All the Rage—which showed that both halves of a heterosexual couple will report that labor is divided 50-50 when the woman does 70% and the man does 30%. Our expectations of male partnership are generally so low that both partners will perceive they’ve reached equity when they get to a 70-30 split!
Which brings me to my second point: We are NOT a heterosexual couple. Because we aren’t romantically partnered, we bring no relationship baggage into our household management or parenting. We were able to start with a pretty clean slate in terms of negotiating whose turn it is to deal with gross baby things or take out the trash, and we can renegotiate these terms without risking repercussions on any romantic or sexual underpinning of our relationship.
Can you share one “parenting hack” that’s worked for your family: The classic combination of compassion and humor, both for your co-parent and yourself.
Our other top hack is avoiding complex parenting “strategies” or trendy, labor-intensive “systems.” Saves a ton of time and a load of anxiety about not doing things “correctly.” Downloading an app to track the baby wake windows? Nah. We do enough data entry running our business! Is the baby sometimes awake and other times asleep? Good enough!
The rule of thumb we try to follow about faddish parenting strategies—and when deciding what’s worth worrying over—is to ask ourselves: “What problem is this trying to solve? Is it ACTUALLY a problem?”
Do you feel like it’s a fair division of labor: Yes; a flexible, dynamic division that takes the shape and form of the moment, balancing itself out over the arc of time.
Anything else you’d like to share? For anyone whose interest is piqued by some of the benefits and challenges of how we manage parental labor and mutual care as friends, we are doing an event for the Brooklyn Book Festival on September 30 called “GROUP CHAT: When Friends Become Family.” We warmly encourage anyone who is in NYC to come join us over drinks in the LES at Caveat for a cozy short film screening, panel conversation, and community book swap.
Amrita and Andrew shared a recent Wednesday.
4:30 a.m.
Amrita: I hear a loud squawking from the baby monitor. Ugh. I don’t know what time it is, but it’s definitely too early. Sometimes having a baby monitor with a video screen seems a bit “extra,” but it does allow me to open one eye far enough to feel content that he’s going to resettle himself.
We have the baby’s crib set up in the basement, where our offices and music practice space is, since the main part of our apartment is just the two bedrooms (one for me, one for Andrew).
I turn the monitor volume WAY down and thankfully manage to fall back asleep for another cycle.
Andrew: Sleeping.
6:30 a.m.
Amrita: I wake up naturally. I’m not at all a morning person, but it’s a combo of being stuck on baby time PLUS waking up with my mind swirling with our endless to-do list… I look at the monitor screen to see the baby is awake, too. Recently, Aadi has been waking up slowly and quietly playing in his crib. I figure this newfound self-sufficiency can only be a good thing, and I let him roll around for a bit, cooing to his favorite stuffed bunny.
7:00 a.m.
Amrita: Still no peeps from downstairs, but I figure we may as well start the day—this is already later than usual. Our son is a real morning person, and he is all smiles and babbles when I go collect him.
7:30 a.m.
Amrita: After the usual morning ablutions—diligently brushing his four teeth (the absolute favorite activity these days) and a diaper/outfit change—I try to squeeze in a couple of emails while he plays. Unfortunately, I’m learning that it’s impossible to multitask now that he’s a toddler. Aadi bangs on the keyboard, and I give up. My replies will have to wait until the sacred quiet of naptime.
Andrew: Wake and coffee: It’s surprising to me when I get up and find that Amrita hasn’t caffeinated yet, despite being awake early with the baby. It’s for the best, though, because I can brew it at extra strength.
8:00 a.m.
Amrita: Breakfast (for Aadi), coffee for me, finally.
Andrew: Say hi to Aadi. He’s in a great mood at the table. He perks up sweetly when I come over to kiss him good morning. Then I’m off to shower.
8:30 a.m.
Amrita: The baby is getting fractious this morning. I wish he were talking already, so that he could just say what his problem is. We think it's his teeth. SIGH.
Andrew: Retreat to start work day. Although our desks are in the basement, I find that I get the most privacy these days by working from the chair in my bedroom. I need more quiet to concentrate, and I don’t want to risk interruption when it’s time for Aadi to go down for his nap.
9:00 a.m.
Andrew: Administrative duties: Neither Amrita nor I are big on mornings, so this makes it a great time to get the less creative tasks out of the way.
I’m working on some basic website and digital advertising tasks for Petite Palates. It’s a lot of stop-and-start work, as I’m learning a lot of this as we go. We’re used to having to DIY a lot of tasks from running our own business over the years, but it’s still tedious.
9:30 a.m.
Amrita: I decide that we’ll get out of the house for a minute. A quick walk to the grocery store should do it. I feel momentary guilt for not doing something more kid-centric like a playground visit, but I feel pretty certain Andrew will take Aadi on a long adventure this afternoon. It’s a gorgeous, mild day for late summer. We live in a neighborhood with a robust stoop culture, and a few older folks call out to the baby as we pass, which pleases him greatly and seems to turn his whole mood around. Unlike his parents, he’s a mega-extrovert.
10:00 a.m.
Andrew: Write/plan: I’d like to spend the majority of this morning on writing. I have an essay to write for our Substack, and I’m working on edits to an opinion column I’ve submitted to a news outlet.
11:00 a.m.
Amrita: Oh shoot. My calendar reminds me I have a standing meeting with the R&D team for the baby food startup. It used to be that our baby would be taking his first nap by now, but he’s been moving toward a later nap. I take the call with the baby at my feet and occasionally in my lap. We’re having issues sourcing one of the main ingredients for one of our three initial flavors. We discuss next steps and cross our fingers that we won’t have to reformulate this recipe. Our food science team doesn’t mind having a one-year-old guest star on the call. We are making baby food, after all—plus the scientists share that they are both parents themselves. Phew.
Andrew: Workout: I’ve been going to a local pilates studio recently, doing reformer classes and living out my childhood dream of training like a dancer. But I don’t have time for that today, and I have to settle for an at-home session with two dumbbells and some exercise bands.
11:30 a.m.
Amrita: Naptime! YES. Let’s go. I refill my coffee, do a quick little New York Times word game, and try to spring into action.
Andrew: More writing and planning. We are strategizing around how to create a sustainable life as writers (and parents). When it comes to our creative work, we are great at the “doing” but often aren’t thinking as much about long-range strategy. It’s not so much about bringing a business mindset to creativity, but rather it’s about making a multiyear plan that prioritizes writing and creative work as much as it plans for our financial stability.
12:00 p.m.
Andrew: Lunch break—this is usually my first meal of the day. I’ve never been a morning eater. Did I invent intermittent fasting? No. But kind of.
12:30 p.m.
Amrita: By the time I start a load of cloth diapers and spend way too long navigating my health insurance customer service line, a lot of nap time has already passed.
I settle into clearing out some of the most urgent emails in my three work inboxes:
Responding to feedback on the talking points I’ve scripted for two upcoming client events.
Connecting with a great new guest for our podcast, who will talk about the effects of zoning and architecture on community and human connection.
I don’t get to reply to everything, but at least I knock out the most timely stuff over the hour.
1:00 p.m.
Amrita: I hear the baby stir. I hand off the monitor to Andrew to handle the wakeup.
Andrew: Babycare begins. Aadi usually wakes up pretty cheery. I offer him some lunch, but I am hoping to get out of the house quickly to enjoy the day. Aadi loves an outing. (I do, too.)
1:30 p.m.
Andrew: I get the stroller set up and a backpack packed, while the baby gets increasingly riled up to leave the house. He’s gotten to recognize the routine, and it drives him wild with excitement.
2:00 p.m.
Amrita: More to-do list stuff. We’re working on an “editorial calendar” for our writing projects for the fall. We’ve decided to approach our creative work this year with increased rigor and strategy in mind.
Andrew: Walk to the park.
2:30 p.m.
Amrita: I hate having to manage lunch for myself. I usually assemble a sad jumble of snacks, a downmarket charcuterie.
Andrew: Park time. Now that our kid can walk more confidently, we usually aim for a playground—often the one near the Parade Grounds at Prospect Park, where there’s lots to look at. He swings, he slides, he climbs stairs, he licks the dirtiest surfaces, he points to airplanes, he yells at birds, he hugs other babies! It’s an active afternoon.
3:00 p.m.
Andrew: Walk home. We have a whole walk-and-snack routine down.
3:30 p.m.
Andrew: Play at home.
4:00 p.m.
Amrita: I need a break. It feels like everything we’re doing right now requires a LOT of deep thinking, which is exhausting. I scan through some newsletters I enjoy and realize I’ve missed a very juicy exchange in one of my group chats.
Andrew: Aadi ends up taking a second nap today. I guess we went pretty hard at the playground. I get to a few emails during the nap—some vendors for a fall event.
4:30 p.m.
Amrita: I plug in my headphones to listen to the raw audio from our last podcast interview. I take down notes and timestamps in a document to make editing easier.
Andrew: I get Aadi up from his 45-minute power nap, put away the clean diapers, and start a load of baby clothes.
5:30 p.m.
Amrita: We have way more footage than I can use. I don’t make it through the whole interview, but my attention is fading, and I decide to call it a day.
Andrew: The baby and I sit on our front stoop and watch cars go by. He could do this all day. When the ice cream truck goes by, he gets extra excited. He doesn’t even know it dispenses treats yet; he just likes the music.
6:00 p.m.
Amrita: I start cooking. I’m slow at this, and I am trying out a new recipe—caramelized corn and asparagus pasta with ricotta from the New York Times cooking app—so this could take a while.
Andrew: We listen to the radio and run around the house. I feed the baby dinner. He’s a little ambivalent about today’s offering, but he is very interested in watching Amrita cook veggies on the stove.
6:30 p.m.
Andrew: Bathtime (for Aadi)!
7:00 p.m.
Amrita: I finish cooking but pause to get a bottle together and help put the baby down.
Andrew: Bedtime routine begins—getting the baby into pajamas and winding down.
7:30 p.m.
Amrita: The baby is down for the night. He’s so cute at bedtime I can hardly stand it.
Andrew and I sit down to dinner, finally. The food might be a bit cold now, but it all came together pretty well!
Andrew: Aadi is in bed, with Bunny and Dragon, his most beloved friends. Eat dinner with Amrita.
8:00 p.m.
Amrita: Andrew lights a candle and cleans up the kitchen meticulously while I put away the baby laundry. We talk about the news; I catch him up on my group-chat gossip, and he tells me about his latest documentary obsession, the 1997 Ken Burns documentary about Lewis and Clark.
Andrew: I clean up dinner, load the dishes, hand wash the pots, wipe down the counters, and chat with Amrita while she folds the clean clothes.
9:00 p.m.
Amrita: Head to bed. I’m feeling bone tired, and I’ll be up with Aadi tomorrow morning. Fingers crossed for a good 12 hours of baby sleep! (It rarely happens, but I’m ever hopeful!)
Andrew: We make tea, and I read on the couch for a while. I’ve been reading a few things lately: When We Cease to Understand the World by Benjamin Labatut; Look Homeward, Angel by Thomas Wolfe (which I found on a stoop in our neighborhood); and The Mayfair Chronicles by Ann Rice (because I finally read Interview with the Vampire). I don’t have to be up in the morning, so I feel I can stay up a bit.
9:30 p.m.
Amrita: Read my book, Death at the Sign of the Rook, the hot-off-the-presses Jackson Brodie mystery from Kate Atkinson.
10:00 p.m.
Amrita: Lights out.
10:30 p.m.
Andrew: I’ve lost track of time somehow. Before Aadi, this was usually my most alert time of the day—I’m not sure I’ll ever fully kick being a night owl. I get ready for bed.
11:30 p.m.
Andrew: I’m out like a light.
Thank you so much, Amrita and Andrew! Readers, I recommend you subscribe to their newsletter and podcast!
Random Extras
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Really appreciated
’s recent Note about the lack of interesting and diverse reads in Substack’s Finance Tab. She rounded up some newsletters I love and put a few new ones on my radar. I always want to know: Who are your favorite money writers?More on The Purse
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So cool to read about a couple doing things their own way. I'm married with an 18 year old and 13 year old and often think about the fact that from the minute our first child was born, my relationship with my husband went from romantic partner to business partner. Not necessarily in a bad way - we absolutely love each other - but the only way we've found to return to "romantic partner" status is to take trips together sans kids. Even a short one night getaway does the trick. It's super-hard to switch into romantic mode in the midst of conversations about worrying rashes on the kids and long-range budget planning. 🤣😬
Though this couple has a unique relationship status, I gotta note how similar their story is to the ones about married/romantic partners. Co-parenting is a big, gnarly job no matter who you're sharing it with. It seems like this platonic arrangement gives some serious advantages to individual freedom, and maybe it changes a lot of the calculus that lives inside romantic co-parenting scenarios. This was a really interesting read and I appreciate Amrita and Andrew sharing their story.