Some frank thoughts on money, jealousy, and loneliness

The Purse is one year old, and I'm feeling introspective.

Welcome to The Purse, a newsletter about money and women and motherhood and careers and all that good stuff!

In mid-May 2023, I left my job as executive editor at Fortune. I didn’t have another job lined up, but I did have a business proposal for The Purse. I sent my first newsletter on June 1, with the subject line, “I quit my job so you don’t have to.” It went out to 200 subscribers made up of friends, family, and former-colleagues-turned-friends who I didn’t think would be too annoyed that I had spammed them with my musings on my mid-life crisis.

Today, a little more than a year later, I’m sending my 49th newsletter to 7,200+ subscribers. 

This has been such a weird, hard, wonderful, scary, stressful, fun, confusing, and complicated year. The highs have been so high, and the lows have left me worrying that I’ve completely tanked my career, and that I’m wasting my time (and my peak earning years) trying to get something off the ground that will never really work. I’m building a brand about women and money during one of the most difficult economic environments for the media industry. Am I a total idiot? (Don’t answer that!) 

As I’ve been thinking about this newsletter marking one year of The Purse, I’ve been trying to make sense of what I’ve learned over the past 12 months. There’s nothing like hitting a milestone to make you reflect on your wins and losses. Honestly, I’m pretty bad at giving myself credit for the wins, and you better believe I’m obsessing over the perceived losses. 

I always enjoy reading milestone posts, so indulge me while I reflect on what I’ve learned over the past year.

This has been one of the most uncomfortable years of my life. 

Lately I’ve been thinking about this as the “year of the too-tight pants.” No, my jeans aren’t literally too small. (Well, a few pairs are.) But doing my own thing doesn’t always feel great. This year of freelancing has pushed me so far outside my comfort zone that it’s hard to know what’s up or down. 

There have been many times when I’ve simply had no clue what to do next. And I’m doing this alone, so a lot of times, I have to force myself to just make a decision. I worry I’ve made a lot of bad ones. And I still get nervous whenever anyone asks me what I do for a living.

I don’t think it ever gets easier to be uncomfortable or scared, but I do think it’s making me tougher. I may not be exactly where I wanted to be after a year of freelancing and building The Purse, but I am still here. I show up every week. I’m allowing this publication to grow and change as I learn what works and doesn’t. And when I fuck things up, I try to give myself some grace. I’m learning here, and that needs to count for something.

Snapped this photo when we randomly paused a Peanuts episode on this scene that pretty much captures how I feel most of the time.

I’ve struggled to recognize my value—and charge accordingly.

I think the most difficult thing I’ve come to realize as I’ve been ruminating on one year of The Purse is that I’ve been greatly undervaluing my own work, and that allows others to undervalue me. This has been a huge revelation for me, and I’m not entirely sure why it took me 12 months to grasp this, but here we are. 

I’ve given away so much free labor this past year in the name of building connections and bringing in more subscribers to The Purse. I’ll say yes to what seems like a good opportunity only to feel overwhelmed or annoyed later by the amount of work that is required, and then I’ll feel disappointed that there’s no clear indication that all that free work even paid off in some way other than maybe good karma? 

What’s more, people don’t really appreciate free labor. It simply doesn’t have the same value as something you pay for. And I think my work is valuable. Scratch that: I know it’s valuable. So why am I so scared to ask for my worth? Especially knowing that if I was giving someone in my situation some advice, I would say, Fuck yeah you need to ask for what your worth¹. I feel like such a hypocrite when I can’t do the same for myself.

But I’m working on it, inspired in part by a recent conversation I had with Erin Halper, founder of The Upside, a community platform for consultants. We talked about the problem of freelancers undercharging for their work. It was basically the kick in the butt I needed to draw a line in the sand and announce the era of free Lindsey is over. My time is valuable, and going forward, I will be charging accordingly. 

Asking for money is weird.

I love to talk about money, but asking for money is weird. And I’ve felt all the feelings during the process of turning on paid subscriptions.

Last month, I made the mistake of looking at a Reddit post about the Home Economics series, and one of the comments was about how annoying I am asking for new paying subscribers. To say I’ve been obsessing about this comment ever since might be an understatement. 

I’ve been reluctant to put The Purse behind a paywall, but I also know how much time and energy goes into running this publication. I have weird feelings about the 1,000 readers who have opened every single issue of this newsletter but aren’t paying subscribers. I’m glad you like it! I wish you would pay! But I also acknowledge that I don’t give paid subscribers anything extra, so I’m changing that—and unfortunately that means adding a paywall.

Last month, I started putting many of my 2023 newsletters behind a paywall. And starting this month, I’m adding two more benefits for readers who choose to upgrade to paid:

1. I’ll be sending an additional Home Economics each month just to paid subscribers.

2. I’ll be hosting a monthly giveaway², which will include books and fun swag. This month, paid subscribers will get a chance to win a copy of Matt Schulz’s new book, Ask Questions, Save Money, Make More, along with the Revitalash Cosmetics Double-Ended Volume set (which includes primer and mascara).³

Will this work to bring in more paid subscribers? I don’t know! Will more commenters on Reddit say I’m annoying? Probably! But also: C’est la vie! A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, and this girl is trying to get more comfortable with asking for what she needs.

I’ve been lonely. 

This is maybe the hardest thing about building my own business, and frankly, it’s had me in a bit of a funk for a few months. I really miss having colleagues and a team I’m working with toward a common goal. This spring, I kept joking I was going to get a job at a coffee shop so I could have coworkers again. 

I got a little jealous when reading about Kate Kennedy’s business partner in Once in a Millennial⁴. She found her partner, who helped her take her podcast to the next level, after Kate mentioned on her podcast that she needed a Kris Jenner in her life. I felt the same way upon learning that one of the keys to Martha Stewart’s early success⁵ was when a marketing exec named Barbara Loren-Synder hooked her up with KMart. Barbara saw Martha’s potential and helped launch that billion-dollar empire.

So I’m taking a move from Kate and Martha’s playbook: I would love to find someone—a smart, passionate, business-focused someone—who sees all the potential of The Purse and would want to work with me to help me build it into more than just a weekly newsletter.

Anyone?

The goal post is always moving.

When I sent my first email, I knew all 200 subscribers, so of course it was thrilling when people started subscribing who I didn’t personally know. And when I moved to Substack in January, I saw crazy growth following the launch of the first Home Economics. That single post earned me 2,900 new subscribers because it was included in a Substack Weekly Reads email. It was exciting—and a little unnerving. I couldn’t help but wonder: Who are all these new subscribers? And are they all going to unsubscribe when they realize it’s not going to be Home Economics all the time?

Some people do unsubscribe every week, but I haven’t seen a mass exodus, which is a relief. I turned off the notification that sends me an email every time a free subscriber unsubscribes because it was causing me so much anxiety. But on Wednesday mornings before I send my newsletter, I do make note of my subscriber count for the week. And then I look to see how much it dips after I send the email (usually by 20 or so subscribers, TBH).

One of my great skills is building audiences, and it’s also a big source of my burnout. When I was a full-time editor, I used to tell my team to try not to totally blow our monthly readership goals out of the water. Exceeding goals wasn’t rewarded—it just meant the benchmark was pushed out even further the next month. And the new goals never took into account that any crazy influx of new readers was probably the result of a viral hit that wasn’t going to be easily repeatable. (Taylor Swift doesn’t drop a new album every month!) 

The traffic-chasing was exhausting, and I’m not interested in growth for growth’s sake. While I love to see The Purse subscriber list grow month over month, I worry more over my open rates. I pay close attention to how many people “like” an article or leave a comment. I don’t need all the readers in the world; I just need the right ones.

That said, I would love to see The Purse reach 10,000 readers this summer. I told my mom we’re going out for a steak dinner when it happens. But I also know that when I hit that goal, I’ll cross it out and move the goal post to 20,000. Old habits die hard. Growth is addictive, even when you’re trying to do it right. 

I feel jealous. A lot.

Some days, it feels like my Instagram feed is overflowing with people I know (or know of) attending cool events I wasn’t invited to. I can’t help but feel jealous. What does it take to get an invite to that cool-girl dinner hosted by the daughter of a very famous chef? How come I wasn’t asked to speak at that fun mom’s conference down south? Or that other one in NYC last month? Not going to lie: I’ve been muting people lately when I find that watching their Insta Stories just makes me feel too bad about myself.

I’m also trying to harness that envy and use it as motivation. How can I learn from people who are more successful? And what do I need to do to secure those invites in the future? 

I wrote this post-it note last summer and stuck it in my notebook. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I’m trying.

But more importantly, which of those invites actually matter? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been desperate to get onto a guest list only to discover it would have been more fun to stay home with Ken and our kid. Or spend a boozy evening out with my mom friends (which we haven’t gotten to do in forever). 

I’m not cool. I’m not an influencer. Most of the time, I’m OK with that. But when you’re trying to do a big scary thing all by yourself, it’s hard to not compare yourself to others.

It’s essential to have people who believe in you when you struggle to believe in yourself.

Sometimes I feel lonely. And sometimes I feel left out. But the truth is, I have an amazing community, and they make things so much better.

I took a big gamble on myself this past year, and the main reason I’m still here, doing this, is because so many of you have shown up to support me. 

You signed up as founding members. You made introductions to new friends. You replied to my newsletters to tell me how much you related to the stories I told. You have offered business advice and given me freelance work. You forwarded my newsletter to friends and colleagues. You replied to my silly Instagram stories with clapping-hand emojis. You gave me grace when I missed deadlines or canceled plans because I had to study or write or spend time with my kid. You served as sources and let me tell your stories.

You have believed in me even when I’ve found it incredibly hard to to believe in myself. Thank you so much.

The biggest thanks goes to my mom, who always comes through with a pep talk when I need it most. (And last night she babysat my kid and baked me cupcakes!) And to Ken, of course, who takes the time to carefully edit this newsletter each week, and who, for some reason, has not told me to go get a full-time job. I’m trying so hard to make you proud.

I love what I’m building at The Purse.

This has been a hard year, but in many ways, it’s also been one of the best. I love writing this newsletter. It has been such a joy!

My kid has been obsessed with the Muppets for a while, and we frequently listen to a Spotify playlist that includes “The Magic Store,” the final song from the original Muppet movie⁶. As I’ve been writing this newsletter, the lyrics have been playing through my head:

You're burning with hope
You're building up steam
What was once juvenilish is grown-up and stylish
You're close to your dream
Then somebody out there loves you
Stands up and hollers for more (More!)

And then…

Life's like a movie
Write your own ending
Keep believing
Keep pretending
We've done just what we've set out to do
Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you

I’m burning with hope. I’m building up steam. I’m not going to stop believing even though it’s absolutely terrifying to say my career dreams out loud and then try to make them a reality.

I’m able to do it because so many of you have stood up and hollered for more. Thank you!

So here’s to one year of The Purse, with all its ups and downs. I’m excited to see what comes next (and a little terrified, too). I hope all of you will keep following along!

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Random Extras

• Speaking of Matt, he’s got a monthly newsletter that offers all kinds of smart and accessible personal finance advice. New subscribers also get access to three of his signature money scripts, which can help you save money when navigating awkward or annoying financial conversations (think, when your bank dings you with an overdraft fee or if you want to renegotiate your cell phone contract).

• I added 27 new paid subscribers in the month of May! As promised, I’ll be donating $135 ($5 per new subscriber) to Chamber of Mothers. Thank you so much to all the new subscribers!

• Also, we finally have a winner for April’s giveaway. A big thank you to Niina Al-Hassan for supporting The Purse! I promise to send the swag by end of week! 😊

• Speaking of Chamber of Mothers, I love their #VoteLikeAMother campaign. If you haven’t already, please register to vote! I also encourage you to add your voice to the chorus of moms, led by Reshma Saujani and MomsFirst, who are calling on CNN to address the childcare crisis at the presidential debate on June 27.

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1. In fact, I gave this very pep talk to a friend last night.

2. If you’re a brand, author, or publisher who’s interested in providing products for these giveaways, please reach out!

3. The sweepstakes is limited to readers within the U.S. It closes at 11:59 p.m. ET on June 30, 2024. To enter without upgrading to a paid subscription, please reply to this email by 11:59 p.m. ET on June 30, 2024, that you would like to be entered in the sweepstakes. If there’s any further questions, simply respond to this email and I will do my best to answer them.

4. Yes, I know I’ve been talking about this book nonstop, but it is SO good.

5. I loved the Martha Stewart documentary on Max.

6. The Muppet Movie is also so good—if you haven’t seen it in a while, I definitely recommend a rewatch!